How to get over DV and related issues in previous relationship

[mole1]

This could be very long and difficult to put into a sensible post but I'll give it a go.

Ex-h became an alcoholic and violent after we'd been together about 8 years. He'd had a bereavement and lots of job problems. I stuck with it for 6 years, although the violence got progressively worse and during that time we had 2 DDs. He also forced me to have sex on many occasions. He smashed stuff up about the house, sometimes hit me up to 70 times a night, tried to strangle me twice and generally was a complete loony by the end. I finally got the strength to make him leave after counselling and went to the police.

We had to move area and the children had to move schools. I lost 3 close friends who seemed to lose patience with me taking so long to sort it out.

Fast forward 6 years, dd1 and I are still suffering from being unable to make friends and don't seem able to really fit in in our new lives. I am very isolated, hardly anyone local knows my history and I don't feel that anyone knows me properly without it. I have a new husband who doesn't really know what to do with me - empathy isn't his strong point, although he is laid back and kind, he expects me to sort myself out and 'lighten up'. He doesn't understand why I can't open up to people and make friends.

Is there any hope for me and dd?

Of course there is hope! You are still breathing aren't you love?!!

Pop over and see the thread Support for those in EA Relationships

Don't be put off by the title, a fair few of us there have been victims of physical violence too.

Some of us are already OUT, others are still in DV relationships, it's a place to open up, to vent, to share and to try to work out how to heal.

There are plenty of resources you really DO need to tap into, There is a link at the top of this thread which talks about DV, and gives links to organisations to help and support your recovery.

Come over, please and join us?

Thanks - I know there's hope really! I feel a bit pathetic as it's quite long ago now, but I don't seem able to really trust anyone anymore. I don't believe DH when he tries to reassure me, he's getting exasperated with me. I guess my self-esteem hasn't really recovered. In some areas of life, I'm ok - eg at work, I don't really have a problem being friendly and standing up for myself. But in social situations, I have no confidence and expect people to judge me. I still get upset when I think of the best friend I lost.

I will check out the other thread, thanks :)

Honey, please understand one thing. A bruise will heal itself, the damage verbal/physical/emotional abuse doesn't. EVER. Not until YOU make them heal.

You need to read Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That. You still need to START the healing process. You were so brave and so courageous to get out, but you still have to heal.

I would suggest that you read the book, as a matter of urgency, as it will show you categorically that under no circumstances did you have any cause in his decision to abuse you. HE is the one that made that choice. Nothing you did could have caused it, and also, more importantly, nothing you did/said/thought or otherwise would have ever stopped it.

When you understand this, a HUGE weight will lift from your shoulders, I promise.

You also could benefit from the (FREE) Freedom Programme. It runs for 12 weeks, and I think you can find out about it from Woman's Aid.

Of course there is hope for you, but you know that.

When you worry what people will think about you when they learn your past, that is him. He has made you think like that. You need to beat him, finally make him see that what he did wasn't your fault. That he will not continue to control you.

I agree entirely with everything Herhissyness has said, great advice.

I had a lot of counselling around the time we split up, and I really felt then that I had healed. But I will check out the book and I know of the Freedom Programme locally.

Moving to a different area was really unhelpful. DV isn't something you just drop into a conversation, but I don't feel like the person really knows me until I do. Then they are usually very surprised and don't always believe me, or certainly not the severity of it, and one Mum who I had trusted immediately went off and gossiped about it in the playground.

Dd1 is 12 and still has contact with her Dad. He keeps talking to her about it, making out it was because I didn't support him and slagging off my dh to her. So he's still messing with her head. Contact is set under court order, so no getting away from it. I think she has the same problems as me with trusting people. She told me she wanted to be a counsellor when she grows up, because she's been through so much she could really understand other people's problems :(

mole I knowthat there are programmes for kids to do similar to the freedom programme. Also, I would consider putting her forward for some help thru mental health adolescent team in your area, not suggesting she is mentally ill, more that she needs some counselling/therapy to deal with her issues.

Also, do you have a domestic violence support worker of your own? If not, phone your local domestic abuse service and see about getting one. It doesn't matter that you are 6 years down the line, that's what they are there for and they can help you to talk thru your issues and start to heal.
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