Depressed husband - need help please

[kate1984]

Hi Guys

I am new to this site and forums on general so pleased bear with me.

My husband has been diagnosed with depression recently and has left me and out 2 year old son, he says he doesnt love me and feels nothing for me or the 9 years (4 of them married) that we have shared together.

I am in complete shock and feel so confused about things. All our family and friends are saying that they dont recongise him and he is not his normal self but he seems so detached and determined to stick by his deicision - its like he feels I am the reason he is depressed so by removing me from his life he will be fine. Since he left he has taken his wedding ring off and is going out a lot more than normal with his newly single best mate - someone who I feel has a strong influence on him.

I have been to relate who offer support in this kind of situation - I wanted him to come with me but he refuses. The person I saw was very helpful and said that I need to give him some space and not crowd him with questions etc which is something that I am trying to do but am finding it so hard - whenever I see him (which is normally when he picks up our son) he seems so detached like we have never been together and it hurts so much - how can you just flick a switch and stop loving someone who you have shared a life with - this time last month we were coming back from a family holiday!! He is currently on medication and is on a referral list to see a physcharist which I am hoping will help.

I just wondered whether anyone has been through anything similar or has any advice on what I can do - although i am hurting I love him so much and want him and us to get through this and continue building our life together.

Sorry for the long post Kate xxx

It is not abnormal behaviour for a depressed person, more than likely it is his depression that has caused his change in feelings about your relationship rather than 'him' as you knew him before. A depressed person will often try and fix their horrible reality/mindset by breaking up with partners, self-medicating on alcohol, drugs, sex, other addictions. Anything to take themselves out of that pit of despair. But his reality right now is exactly what he is telling you, even if the reasons for his thoughts and actions is his illness and therefore to a 'well' person screwed up and wrong.

But I am not sure there is much you can do. But I would imagine take the advice you were given, be detached but nice, don't ask him questions, get on with your life without him and be patient. He is taking antidepressants and going to have therapy, and maybe that will solve the situation, but it is not something you can change, that is what the professionals are there for. And it is not a quick fix. Perhaps be willing to wait and see if he comes back, but that may or may not happen?

He may or may not have been acting out the single lifestyle in the meanwhile. Would you be willing to wait and the take him back even if you find out he has slept with other women? If he is trying to make himself feel better that may well be the case. Even when he gets out of the depression, he may not be 'back to his exact old self'.

I know there are a couple of people in a similar situation on Anne Sheffield's message boards (google 'depression fallout'), they would be able to give you better advice. Her books are very good too, and give you insight into what it is like to be the family of a depressed person.

Poor, poor you. It is so hard to be with someone who is depressed and must be even worse if they separate themselves from the family.

I don't want to get your hopes up with a quick fix, but mention this just in case it helps.

After suffering pretty awful depression for about a year, my DH worked out there was a link between his anxiety/depressive episodes and the amount of alcohol he had consumed in the previous day or few days. And of course he had been drinking more the more miserable he felt, and entered into a vicious cycle.

He improved so dramatically when he cut alcohol out of his life, I can't tell you the difference it made. He was suddenly able to get out of the cycle of obsessive thoughts and think about other people and is now, so long as he doesn't drink, completely back to his old self.

I hope if alcohol isn't the issue that the drugs have a similar effect for your DH.

Thank you both for your comments and advice. I am off to Madrid next week to see my Dad son hopefully the space may help and fingers crossed an appointment comes through soon.
Thanks again Kate xx

You are so welcome and lots of luck. Enjoy yourself in Madrid and make sure you look after YOU through all of this. I saw you posted on the other website, so I hope you'll get some good advice there. Those men and women are veterans (some have been through this for decades) and know what they are talking about.