Somebody who really did love/care for you wouldn't treat you like this would they?

[MilkandWine]

I know that people will think I'm being stupid here but I need to just get some rational opinions. Plus I'm feeling quite hyterical and posting might help calm me down.

Some people may know that 2 weeks ago my DP found out via a thread I had started (stupidly) on Mumsnet about a guy I have feelings for that predate DP. I should point out that in the thread in also mentioned I had NO intention of acting on feelings and I don't consider DP 2nd best.

Anyway, he decided he couldn' see 'past it' and that we would have to split. I am staying in our house for time being but I've been offered a job in London starting July.

About an hour ago it all kicked off with us arguing again, culminating in me curled on bedroom floor literally hysterical and on verge of nervous breakdown (I feel so SO dreadful about what I have done). I don't want to sound like an idiot but I could quite happily go out of house now and walk in front of the next passing car. Then DP (after reducing me to such a state) picks up his 12 pack of larger and gets in a taxi to go to his friends BBQ.

So I am literally beside myself with emotion (I'm still shaking now) and he just gets up and leaves even though I'm saying I wish I was dead (and I'm not even saying that as an empty threat, I really wish I was at the minute). I mean, god forbid he might be late for his BBQ.

I couldn't believe he would care so little as to leave me in such a vulnerable state and rang his mobile to tell him as much. His response was 'You told me to go'. Now I'm sorry but I couldn't have left him in the state he left me no matter how much he told me to. I would be far too worried about what he might do.

Now me dad is coming for me in 45 minutes (DP has asked me to go to parents as he will be coming in drunk and can't promise he won't say horrible things to me when he gets back). I look like I've been punched in both eyes they are so swollen. What the hell am I going to say.

DP says he still loves and cares for me but how can he if he reduces me to that state and then merrily leaves me for a night out. My head is utterly wrecked by it all. Am I so undeserving of basic compassion? Am I that bad a person? Maybye I am.

Of course you deserve basic compassion, and far, far more. Your DP is lashing out horribly, and probably isn't proud of himself either but I'm really glad your not going to be alone tonight and can hopefully curl up and metaphorically lick your wounds.

DH once left me curled up on the stairs sobbing and feeling unable to move. His reason? Apparently he didn't know what else to do and he couldn't deal with the fact that he couldn't fix the problem. So he walked out.

Please take care and look after you. There's no shame in retreating into a big sofa with ice cream.

Thankyou Theskiinggardener He has just text me and said he's sorry but he doesn't know what else to do. How come men always get to be the ones to walk out crying that they can't handle it eh? Makes me so furious.

I have calmed down a bit now, if I swap the ice cream for Jack daniels I may be ok. I just feel like utter, utter shite

No he wouldn't treat you like that if he really cared ... but you know that don't you?
Glad you won't be on your own, hope you soon start to feel better.

I know milkandwine it stinks! DH and I have had a fair bit of counselling, what it mainly came down to was a completely different way of thinking and dealing with things. One of them was his caveman instinct (oog, woman upset, must fix it, oog) which still drives me potty but at least now we can talk about it.

He really sounds like he's lashing out though, I guess you know him and whether you'll be ably to talk about it or not. If he's going to bottle it up and behave like this then run for the hills (or London, in your case).

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Sending but have secretly filled it with JD

MilkandWine

Take this job starting in July and please try and value yourself a bit more than you do. You're still being taken for a fool here by this man; he still holds all the cards re the mortgage and everything else that is going on within this deeply unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship.

You can do better than this one and I think deep down you know it as well.
He cares not a jot for you really. Look what he has reduced you to, a heap of a lady sobbing on the floor in bits. He decided of his own accord to go to this bbq, you did not make him go (turning it around to make it all your fault is a classic abuse tactic) and chose to leave you in a right old state.

Go to your Dad's, rebuild your life and for goodness sake this time get this bloke out of your life for good!.

No he wouldn't treat you like that, my ex once got in that state and I couldn't/didn't leave him like that, 1. because although he had been a shit, I still loved him and could not bear to see him in such distress and 2. I could not leave ANYONE in that state, I really feared for his sanity that night, he could have easily walked in front of a passing car.

So I would say your 'D' p is a bit of a shit.

Sounds to me like fate is offering you a timely open door into a brighter future with your job offer. You don't want to spend the next however-many years being made to feel this bad, do you? The punishment he's dealing you, and the punishment you're giving yourself, are not in proportion to what you did, which was to acknowledge feelings you would never have acted on.

I would say take the job, leave him to his selfish ponderings, and find yourself a new, free and happy life.

I have to say, with the kindest intention, that your DP is probably incredibly hurt and not handling his emotions properly, maybe inside he is as devestated as you. He was wrong to leave you like that, but then if he didnt care about you, he wouldn't care enough to have arguments about it would you - he would say, well, you want X have him. Do you have children together? Do you think you would have been happy with him if this hadn't have happened. Because a bit of fantasy about an old lover on mumsnet has devestated your family - i would be looking at giving him some space and suggest counselling, make him see it is him you want and that you are/were happy together and have a future. After all, you said you would never have acted on your crush on your X and it was DP that you want.

Why is the stock response, that he is an abuser and a bit of a shit? can you imagine if a woman had posted "well i logged on to my DPs dadsnet account and it turns out he still has feelings for an ex" He would have been hung drawn and quartered. Why is it woman = right and justified, Man = utter shit? Selfish ponderings? If i found out my DP were hankering after an X, maybe i might have a few selfish ponderings to make myself.

I dont know the back story, maybe ive missed it, that your DP treated you badly before this happened but if not, just consider how he is hurting to. He shouldn't have left you, but i understand why he did.

Sorry if I have missed previous history and that this goes against the grain but am i the only one that can see that he is behaving badly because he is hurting?