DH really bad with DD

[KD0706]

Will try to be brief plus have baby to take care of so sorry for typos etc.

Dd is 13mo. Was prem and we all had a rough start. DH admitted bonding issues but has said on more than one occasion that he's getting better, and has shown improvement.
DH works away a fair bit. Maybe one week a month. And works long hours when here. I am SAHM through my choice but supported by DH.

This past week he's been away and dd has ear infection a d just grumpy and needing attention. So today I left her with him to have shower on my own. Bliss.
Cone back she's upset he's ignoring her. He says in front if her that he isn't cut out fir being dad can't hack it and she is just annoying him.

I'm so not prepared for her to be treated this way but don't know how to address things what to do etc.

Our last rough patch was mid feb and I threatened to leave and he's Bern on good behaviour since then but that's not long really.

Sorry have to run dd is grumpy. Thanks for any advice

Oh Dear God.

If he says he feels this way, believe him. I'm so sorry.

Have you asked him what he honestly wants to do with the feelings he has and the situation he finds himself in?

Choices - he stays and mans up, getting help.
- he does nothing at all and hopes things get better.
- has her adopted.
- leaves.

He must have an idea what he wants.

You also have a say in this of course. You don't have to stand by while he ignores his daughter and doesn't care for her..

I have read on this board many times, when a man tells you what he is like believe him.

He is struggling and only he can say if he wants to try and fix it but he will need help.

Would he consider some type of counselling? If a woman said this we would all say pnd and supportively suggest that she find help and sympathise that parenting can be overwhelming. NOT tell her to man up.

He probably does have feelings related to dd's birth that he probably can only just about admit to himself let alone you.

He does sound overwhelmed and unsure of himself. I think the key here is talking to your dh and finding out what he wants. Does he want you all to be a family but is struggling with it or does he want out? i.e. out of the relationship. What does he think would make things better?

It is hard for you too, you have a lot to cope with and a dh who feels he is on the edge just adds to it all. Remember too kids improve with age, in a years time when she is toddling around and slightly more independent he may view it all entirely differently. The bottom line is you both need to talk with each other honestly and try not to attack what is being said but discuss. (I know its not easy, the temptation is to choke the bugger)

Does he actually spend much time with her unsupervised and taking charge normally or do you usually facilitate / control their contact to some extent? Maybe he doesn't feel very confident and giving him a sick child to look after may reinforce this (not criticising you, of course you want some peace and a shower on your own). Could you talk to your Health Visitor and possibly get some parenting help together.

Thank you everybody for your thoughts.
Its probably true that he feels unsure around her and the fact she's poorly and grumpy didn't help that. But as I said to him today, I don't have a choice. I don't have the luxury of saying 'oh she's grumpy and I can't hack it'. I just have to get on with it even when I am fed up with her or can't soothe her etc.

Anyway, his solution is that he thinks things will get better as she gets Older and he can communicate with her.

To be honest at the moment I'm thinking of just carrying on as though he's not around, effectively raising her myself and with him just being the poor Sid who goes out and earns the money. He really doesn't see much of her anyway.

I know you will all judge me for my attitude, the bonus of Internet anonymity!!

I just don't really want to go through all the drama of kicking up a fuss when in fact all that's actually an issue is a couple of hours of grumpiness a few times a year.

Erm, if you don't want to kick up a fuss then obviously you're quite alright with the situation . If someone treated my DD like this, out of all people her father, I'd be kicking a a great stink and throwing some suitcases through the window. But that's me. Don't you feel sorry for your DD that she has such a crap father and you're not prepared to do anything about it? If you can't get through to him, at least you tried. If you do, then smiles all around.

Some parents DO find it difficult to engage with babies. It doesnt mean that they dont love them, but they find it very hard to interact with them.

It could simply be the case here.

I would say that there is every chance that it will get better as she grows up and develops a stronger relationship with him.

Yes, squeakytoy you are right (to an extent). There is one thing when men (most often than women), don't know how to engage with babies and quite another to ignore your baby, when she is visibly distressed. My DD's dad often says : "but what do I do with DD?'' as he feels he can't do much for her being so little. But then I tell him and he does as he's told and they both enjoy themselves. I know that some men do not connect with babies as they don't seem very responsive, but to be honest 13 month old is pretty "interactive". Anyway, hopefully it'll be like you say and OP's DH will get on with it.

Well I think there is some truth about him feeling it will be easier as she grows up and starts talking.
I also think that, if he had some issues with bonding, things can be quite hard for him at the moment. Recreating a bond with a child takes time, a lot of time (at least that's my experience with my own dc).

But, you are also totally right to say that you don't have the choice to say 'I can't do it' and leaving it to someone else.
My H had similar problems and his answer to do was to get away as much as possible (through work and hobbies). That doesn't help in any way as he obvioulsy did not get the experience and the reassurance that doing things and seeing them work give.

I believe that there is parts to that issue.

• One is that your DH needs to take responsability for his actions. In the case you give, he could afford to 'give up' and wait for you to finish your shower. If he had been on his own, he wouldn't have been able to do so. So perhaps, leave him on his own with his dd (when she is feeling better) and go away for half a day (or even a day). Leave him the full responsability fot her. At that age, he should know what she is eating, when she needs a nap. For the rest, leave it to him. He will probaly not do it like you would, perhaps not perfectly, but tbh most women don't do it completely right with their newbon either. They need to learn too.

-Second, I would be carefull to leave him some space so that he can rebuild his bond with his dd. That will take time so perhaps allowing for 'mistakes' and some grimpyness as he is adjusting. And helping him see what he could have done differently. Everyone has a different way to handle things. I like to read, other prefer to talk through different scenarios. see what suits best your DH. And check how he is progressing. Perhaps counselling wuld be a good idea (If I was in that situation again, I would go and see a counsellor. Much easier than doing it on your own).

BTW, carrying on as if you were on yur own is a good way to deal with the situation if you are sure it is just a blip and it will sort itself out on its own.
I did that as it felt like the easier thing to do. but it wasn't a good idea. It meant that H took even more time to 'get used' to be a dad. And it has been even more difficult for him to create a bond with the dcs. I am actually not sure he will ever have a strong bond with dc1. Just a thought

HTH

Thank you everybody. I was in a bit of a grump when I first posted, though I admit things aren't perfect, to be fair to DH he is often good with dd. She is really fond of him, holds out her arms to him etc. It's just that he seems fine when she isn't hungry or tired or otherwise out of sorts. But as soon as there is any real parenting required I always get called through to take over. I do think he really lacks confidence. Probably partly my fault as with her being so poorly when she was born, when we got home I was over protective of her, even with him.

He is really good with our nieces and nephews who are all older than dd.

Well, I am going to try to abandon the two of them together more and will continue dialogue with DH. He is in no way up for counselling or parenting classes as he just says it will get better once she is older and he can better communicate/rationalise With her

But that's the issue, isn't it? He's saying he can't be bothered to put in any effort, he'll just wait till she's older and easier. Don't you resent that at all? He means he won't be involved in the toddler tantrums, the toilet training, or the discipline, he'll just do the fun stuff. If you have another child, what will you do on the nights when DD is acting up and the newborn wants to cluster feed? Or when DD is ill and the baby is newly mobile and needs 100% attention?

Why would you think it's alright that your husband can't be arsed with the tedious job of raising small children, but thinks it's alright that you can?

When you put it that way tortoise it sounds really bad.

I fully admit to being a spineless wuss. I'm just not sure what if anything I should do about this and doing nothing seems the best/easiest option.

I do feel sad that with this attitude I probably wouldn't be able to consider another dc as you're right it's one thing carrying on as we are with just dd but another ball game if you add another dc to the mix.

DH's attitude is there is no problem, it will resolve itself as she gets older. If I challenge him he kind of brushes it off with a 'I'm rubbish at this sort of thing' kind of comment.

He needs practice then doesnt he. Otherwise how are you ever supposed to have a life outside the home? Things like meeting friends for a drink or shopping. Most people are glued to their child for the first year but after that you should be able to start having a bit of alife outside.

He still does.

Thing is there are difficulties with any age child, you never stop being their parent (My 30 year old is always calling me for advice).
It sounds like he hasn't bonded with her due to your circumstances, try having family fun time together to make some happy memories.

He may also be feeling "responsible" for you both, as you are a SAHM, nothing wrong with that but some men feel their responsibilities very heavily for the first year or so of parenthood, feeling that everyone is depedant on them.

A lot of the reason why older children are easier is because they've got to know you and you've got to know them and the communication has been built over years.

Ask parents who have adopted older children, I bet they won't say that it's easy. If your husband thinks he can abrogate any parenting role and then swan in later, he's sadly deluded.

Cone back she's upset he's ignoring her. He says in front if her that he isn't cut out fir being dad can't hack it and she is just annoying him

he may believe what he says about becoming more involved as she gets older but i find the above sentence alarming. no matter how difficult a person is finding it, all would comfort achild who is ill and distressed? is he depressed? this is different to finding babies boring/ not knowing how to interact etc IMO

"Rationalise"? A child? .

While I will admit my dh enjoyed the children more when they reached 6 months and could do more, he was a 100% hands on dad from the second they were born. He would wake up at night even though I was breast feeding, bring the baby to me and then wind them after a feed. He would do anything at all that needed doing. My children are 6-10 now and he is a brilliant dad, much better than I am a mum. He was there from the second they were born and thrown in at the deep end when we had an emergency section and laid the ground work for the great relationship they have now.

Maybe I'll be flamed for this but lots of people feel this way. Its just a big taboo to admit it. He didn't say he didn't love DD, he said he found her annoying. IMO young toddlers can be annoying. He has been honest in saying this. As for saying it in front of DD, so what. Offensive to OP yes, but what difference would it really make if he said it out of earshot?

This doesn't excuse him not taking care of her for 10 minutes, he should man up on this and generally and get on with it. Poor DD would have understood his disinterest. Also what tortoise said. Its not fair, but its also not fair that many DPs stay late at work to avoid being with their kids until they are in bed.

The difference with your DH is that he is at least aware he needs to improve and is being open about the way he feels about it. On this basis, maybe it really will get better as she gets older. When he will owe you big time

KD, there is always hope. You are staying at home and you are the main carer and I guess you DH very much sees his role as breadwinner. It is a very traditional set up isn't it. I am guessing that this suits your DH too.

My father disliked babies (had 7) he didn't know one end from the other. Babies dislike him too! my son used to scream at him on sight.

By the time I was 3yrs I was toddling round the garden with him. At 10 I was playing tennis with him, at 14 arguing about politics and religion, at nearly 40 we speak every day.

Don't despair just gently encourage.

Yes we do have a very 'traditional' set up and tk be honest always have even pre dd. I've tended to make dinner and clean the bathrooms, he would more likely clean the cars or take rubbish to the tip. (he doesn't do nothing at home, he does do housework, just that I'd there are two jobs to be done we would each gravitate to the more traditionally male/female job).

I am continuing dialogue about this. And for example today i was bathing her when he came in so I said she needs her face and hair washed and ran off and left them and he finished off bathing her, played well with her etc

I do think he finds her whingeing crying annoying, which to be fair it can be. But yes he needs to man up a bit and I'm just trying to handle it with gentle encouragement rather than being too in his face, which I think would just lead to confrontation and resolve nothing.

Thank you all again for sharing your thoughts and helping me with this.

Oh and also, when I say she was upset in my op I don't mean screaming just quite grisly and whingeing, pulling at his trousers etc.

I wasn't there obviously while this was going on but she seemed in the sort of mood when she'd whinge to be picked up, then struggle to get back down on the floor, then decide she wanted something different again