Excuse to leave....again. Longer post than I'd hoped (sorry)

[PeepToes]

Hi
Background info - left drunken and abusive H before Xmas. He stopped drinking and I went back 12 weeks later. Have 3 pre-school DCs. Since we have been attending relationship counselling, H has depression and referred to psychiatrist (depression not new). I had PND and was and still am seeing a psychiatrist. We are both health professionals.

Anyway....I have been in limbo since retruning - not really settling and unhappy. Feel I have lost the spark for my H (unsurprisingly) so have battled with guilt mainly about the 3 Dcs, and destabilising them if I left.

H has been ok with drinking - not stopped completely though to my annoyance - ie still doesn't believe he has a problem....and in terms of abuse, he is less controlling and I am more assertive, and no physical abuse (as this was related to alcohol).

Last night he had a night out with his friends, came home drunk at 3am put the telly on (loudly) and crashed out on the couch, eventually went to bed at 7.30 when I came downstairs with DC2 for breakfast. I have things I needed to do today - I volunteered to help at DC2s playgroup fair before, during and after.....in the past whenever i had things on he tended to get so drunk he lay in bed (still drunk and eventually hungover) so that kind of sabotaged my plans or commitments. Also did this when I had 7am starts at work so I was late a few times.

This is the first time since we returned that this has happened, and I packed up a bag intending to go back to the house I am still renting...not sure how long for. I was just taking my youngest out the door to put him into the car when my MIL drove in. My suitcase was in the front hall, and I now know she got a text late last night from my H to say that "an early morning visit would be appreciated".

She's away home now, the 2 eldest DCs are with her. She didn't seem to notice the bag. I would have had to come back tomorrow for work anyway.

So, what now? Is this the start of the drunk behaviour? Am so confused and annoyed with him and myself.

I guess I'm just looking for an outlet for my emotions, but any input greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

If you're looking for excuses to leave, then it's effectively over already, wouldn't you say?

You have to wonder about him calling his mother round. He must have had enough presence of mind to know that what he had done was unacceptable and that you wouldn't take it well, so he called on mummy (diddums) to back him up.

Why did his mother being there stop you leaving?

Probably because I felt gulity about it. She was so upset when we left - lost so much weight - went down 3 dress sizes. She's tried to support me as she knows I find it hard looking after the 3 DCs, but when I left at Xmas I was honest with her and said that she colluded with him. Really if it wasn't for her pitching in things would be even more unbearable.

I do admire her as she's such a strong woman, and she can be kind, but she's the stereotypical matriach and I'm a bit intimidated by her, and i suppose i seek her approval if I'm being honest.

Also I know that she would have tried to stop me, and then that would have woken up H so that he would get angry with me, and it would just be a mess.

Sadly, I've realised sneaking away is the only way I can go.

Sad indeed, but if that's what it takes, do it. If he's ever going to keep himself to the straight and narrow he has to know that making gestures for a few months just doesn't cut it. Although you may have really had enough by now and even if he does re-invent himself as a sober citizen it will benefit some other woman in the future, not you...

To be honest your MIL should have pinned his ears back for being drunk and irresponsible, not covered up for him.

put your bag in the boot of your car and as soon as he goes out or to work put the children in the car and leave.

If his mother says anything tell her that he is never going to get better while she and you allow him to continue. That you, she and the children can still have a decent relationship but in coming around like this she is effectively becoming your jailer and you will eventually have a falling out.