Am I wrong?

[Chuckles78]

Last night DH and argued - AGAIN. He threw a carrier bag in my face. I cried. Didn't hurt just felt degraded. He said I'm pathetic, shouldn't complain as it didn't actually hurt me. I'm sick of this. It's not the first time. Am I wrong to feel so hurt by it? Short post I know but he's upstairs :(

Carrier bag today, frying pan tomorrow.

That sound flippant but I think you need to be aware that this sort of behavoir can and often does, escalate. You need to talk seriously with him and make it clear that his bullying is not acceptable. Is he able to discuss things rationally or does he always resort to these "shutting her up" tactics?

Always resorts to the "shutting her up" tactics. He seriously will not accept that he has done anything wrong. If I even dared to approach him about this it would end up in another slanging match. I've had enough, I'm no innocent but I really don't deserve this. I keep saying I don't want this anymore but he won't listen. It's not the first time I've had to deal with it all. Maybe I do deserve it, I've tolerated it haven't I. I've made my bed so I have to lie in it.

You're not wrong and you don't deserve it. It doesn't matter that he threw something that doesn't physically 'hurt' as the other posters have said. You're not wrong.

NO you don't deserve it - no one does! If you feel degraded and don't want to put up with it then why are you doing so?
Tell him that it stops and things change or it's over.

I don't hold with that "you made your bed, now you must lie in it" nonsense. Fatalism is against my religion. You can always remake a bed, or get out and sleep on the floor if it's that bad. Call it progress, or learning, or self-improvement. Mistakes can be put right. Human beings can amend their behaviour (if they're willing to). Sometimes you are trapped by circumstances, but there's no reason not to plan how to get out of the trap. Sometimes you marry the wrong person; but fortunately in this day, age and hemisphere, you can un-marry them.

Oh, and for the avoidance of doubt, it IS wrong for one adult human being to throw things in the face of another (actually it's not acceptable for children either, but it takes a while to train them out of it). The fact that it didn't hurt just meant that it could have been worse, it didn't mean it was all right.

You're not wrong.

You don't "deserve it" because you've tolerated his behaviour this long: you've been waiting for him to treat you decently.

You're not wrong. Here's why:

1. He threw something at you. The fact it was only a bag doesn't make his inability to talk like an adult any better.

2. He called you pathetic when you cried. Again, doesn't really matter why you were crying - still a horrible thing to do.

3. He thinks it's ok to throw things at you as long as they don't really cause you pain. This is the big one. How long until that changes to, He thinks it's ok as long as there isn't a visible mark? Or, He thinks it's ok to throw things at you in front of the children? Your children won't know if you're hurt or not: they'll just see him throw something at you and you start crying. And will they worry daddy will do the same to them?

You see where this is going. The fact he didn't hurt you this time isn't relevant - the point is that he snapped and threw something at you, and now he's trying to justify it but undermining you.

Thankyou so much for your responses, the remaking a bed struck a chord. Nothing will change because he doesn't think he's wrong. Thinks it's justified. I'm more annoyed with myself, why the f£$k don't I think I deserve better? If this was one of our DD's he would kill whoever had done this. Why does he think it's ok for me to accept it? And before anyone else asks, yes I've said this before to him and his response is, "well that's completely different". How? Am I not somebodys daughter? I'm rambling, sorry. I'm stupid, I've cut myself off, I have very little support, I've got no where to go. He won't leave. Everyone thinks the sun shines out of him. I think I just need to scream in a pillow.

He is in the wrong. It is not OK to throw something at someone's face - regardless of whether it hurts or not. As others have said that is already a boundary that has been crossed and he will likely continue to slowly erode your boundaries. It is also a huge red flag that he showed no remorse when you were upset. His actions are inexcusable, it is pathetic that he is trying to focus on defending himself rather than apologising to and comforting you.

Chuckles...you deserve better. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be respected. You deserve to live a life without fear of belittlement, taunts and emotional jiggery pokery.

You're not rambling, you're making perfect sense!

I can't help but suspect he has made you feel as if you don't speak sense by strategies like the one you describe in your OP - but you sound totally sane and persuasive to me and obviously to other posters here too.

If he cares about his daughters, does he not realize that throwing things at their mother and making her cry is likely to scare them and make them afraid of him? Is he really that thick? Or is he just hoping you will do his dirty work for him and keep on trying to make things look normal for your children?

Why are you so isolated? Is it because he didn't like this friend or that friend so you let them fall by the wayside to keep the peace?
He doesn't see you as someone he loves and respects, he sees you as something he owns. That's why he won't acknowledge his responsibility for his own behaviour.
You do deserve much, much better than this. This will escalate...I hate to say it but it's a downward spiral.

I have to go to bed, but I can't before I say that you don't deserve this, that you don't have to put up with it, and the You Made Your NEW Bed thing is bang on.

YOU own your life, not him. He has NO RIGHT to treat you like this.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? Your H is in there, with my X.... and many others... they are pretty much all the same.

You can't change him, don't waste your breath/time trying, it's pointless. Really.

Remove yourself from his clutches, remove your DC from his poisonous ambiance and get yourself to freedom. You will never regret it. I promise.

Lazarusb - yes that's exactly right. He despises my 2 closest friends, bitches about them. I've asked him to stop, that it hurts me, that it makes me question my judgement about my friendships. I think part of this is unlike other friends he can't "win them over" iyswim. Whenever they have been in our company, they've been more interested in me and I really don't think he likes that. He talks about himself endlessly, to the point that other people make fun of him for it.
I'm sure I will get roasted for this but I've always felt so lucky that he was interested in me. I've always known I loved him more than he loved me but I was ok with that. I don't think I am in love with him anymore. He doesn't respect me as a wife or a mother. I just need to find some strength from somewhere but I suspect that will take years.

You are not lucky he was interested in you. You have low self-esteem and I'm guessing that was the case before you met him. He picked up on that and reeled you in. He controls you. That is why you feel like this now and why he has put distance between you and the people who genuinely care and are interested in you. Please ask them for help. I bet they can see right through him and are willing you to make the break. They will be your strength.

HerHissyNess is right, you will NEVER regret making the break, only that you didn't do it sooner. I can't tell you how many people have told me they couldn't believe it took me so long to leave my ex.

The longer you leave it, the weaker he will make you. You know it's not right, you know also on some level that you are NOT wrong, or you wouldn't be on here.

He will not stop (trust me, I've been there) until he has removed all joy from your life.

My now X isolated me from life itself, I was pretty much contained in a tiny flat in Egypt for literally weeks at a time with no access to any communication, TV/internet for a 6m period. The longest stint indoors was 10 weeks, the same amount of time the Chilean Miners spent underground.

We moved, it got betterish, at least I had telly and a dial up internet connection in the end and a mobile with a couple of quid credit on it. I made it back to the UK and began to see how life needed to change. He came over and from the start I think it was clear that it wasn't going to work. he'd never go back to being the person I fell in love with. that person was all smoke and mirrors. never existed.

My last straw was when he told the husband of my ONLY friend out there (one I'd only get to see every couple of weeks for a few hours) that I'd been in a mental institute for 5 years, that he'd shagged 249 women and that he was having raging affairs all over the place. He told him this to get him to ban hios wife from seeing me.

That wasn't the last thing he did, oh no, that was to rip the Venus Fly Trap plant out from it's pot as it was in dormancy in my garden. I'd wanted a VFT since a little girl, but had never had one. I'd managed to keep it alive for 2yrs, and he ripped the heart out of it. Only because it gave me pleasure.

Don't abdicate control of your life to him. Say NO, mean it and make sure he knows you WON'T be told what to do.

Oh, here is a time saver: Don't think you can reason with him. Please don't bother to explain why you are feeling down, how if he were a little nicer, more supportive, less critical then it'd be OK. He will never, ever and i mean EVER change.

Buy yourself Why Does He Do That here It will open your eyes and give you back all the power you need to get you through this.

Trust me, being this side of an abusive relationship, i.e the outside - is a lifetime better than a second of being in one. You may be scared, but is it not scarier to think that life will never ever get any better, and in fact WILL get worse, the longer you stay in it?

My ex pushed me one day.
Another day he hit me on the arm.
Twice he properly hit me.
I left him after that.

One ex hit me in the face.
I apologised to him .
I left him a few weeks later.

My point being it can start of seemingly minor but then escalate.

Having said that DH hit me on the arm once when I hit him. I was but then shouldn't have hit him and he hasn't laid another finger on me in the years since and nor me on him.