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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex being a pain

14 replies

SpiritualKnot · 11/06/2011 08:08

Need to vent!

Posted a lot on here last year about the decline of my 20 year marriage, husband's affair with a girl half my age and subsequent divorce. Thanks to all those at the time, found it a huge support!

Divorced in December, I bought him out of the house, so I could stay here and have a large mortgage as a result. Husband agreed legally to pay £250 a month for our 12 year old daughter (which is under what CSA would have stipulated). I give our son £200 a month for University..ex gives nothing as he says son is 19 so he doesn't have to.

In April he bought our son a new laptop for £289, I would have bought one but couldn't that month as I needed to pay about £1000 to urgently replace a large fence in my garden that had blown down in the wind. Son agreed to pay half the laptop. I paid for his first laptop which he unfortunately broke when he dropped it.

Now ex is demanding half the laptop money from me, he now says it cost £500. I texted and let him know that I would be ensuring son would be given the money from me to pay (as I know that son knows how much it is and will not pay half of the wrong amount)

Ex now says he will not be paying child maintenance this month, as he can't because of paying for the laptop and he will not go overdrawn for me.

I never agreed to pay half the laptop in the first place, he offered to buy my son it.

Ex says I am greedy. We have a property in joint names which we rent out. He was to take it over on divorce, as I had full responsibility for everything to do with it and didn't want to carry on with it, but the rent was paid into my account to compensate (about £200 profit, but I'm paying off the £12000 deposit I as well, so there is no profit for me).I'm still running around getting things fixed in the house and making sure the tenant is happy, so there's no change.

It stayed as it was, me paying mortgage and insurance on it until he sorted it out. He hasn't sorted it out,in the end I had to do all the paperwork to get it put into his name. It's still not in his name, despite my phoning the mortgage company regularly to hurry things up.

He should have been doing this himself, I can't ring around other mortgage advisors for a mortgage for him, he has to do that apparently.

Ayway, he feels he should have some of the rent from the property, he says it's not his fault it's taking so long. But I feel that because it was me that paid the deposit on the house of £12000, (I increased the mortgage on my current house to pay this), there is no profit for me anyway.

He says I am preventing our daughter from seeing him, he wants her to stay overnight with him, the girl he left me for and her 3 year old son, in the new house they've just bought together. My daughter says she is happy to stay there if his girlfriend isn't there. Her parents live close by so this would be easily workable, but obviously they don't want this and ex feels I should be encouraging her to stay with them. But she doesn't want to.

Anyway, he says if I like I can take him to court, he says I'll be forced to pay him something from the rental profit, something for the laptop and that visitation rights can be set up. He has no restriction on visitation, he turns up whenever he feels like it. I used to let him in the house but stopped when he slagged off things I had bought, started taking house keys and looked through my bills.

I am upset by this as I am staying in this town for my daughter's sake, so she can see him. I'm not from round here and am planning to move back up North when she leaves school.

I think I will have to consult a solicitor as I need to know whether I could be forced to give him something from the rent, when he legally agreed to put it into his name by the end of January and hasn't.

Has anyone any experience of this kind of situation? Sorry if it's a bit garbled!

OP posts:
davidtennantsmistress · 11/06/2011 08:14

he sounds controlling and a bully, would go so far as to say he's talking out of his bottom but as i'm not a legal bod, i'd suggest you get your self a very goof solicitor and take things from there - I assume you've not yet sorted the financial settlements etc of your divorce?

SpiritualKnot · 11/06/2011 08:19

Hi davidtennantsmistress, thanks for the reply.

Yes everything has been sorted, we have a consent order stipulating the rental property was to go into his name and the family home into my name by the end of January and that he pay £250 a month for our daughter in child maintenance.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 11/06/2011 08:25

Go thro CSA.

No court will tell you to pay half the money of the laptop to him.

Speak with a solicitor regarding having the other property transferred to his name. Why are you running around fixing thing for that property? Get your name off it.

He could take you to court & you could show him the legal agreement he had made to transfer the rental property to his own name, which he hasn't done. What exactly does he think the courts will do?

Definitely keep him out of your property and get legal advice.

How old is your daughter? After the age of 10 most court will take into consideration the childs wishes regarding contact, so they won't force her to have overnight contact if she's dead set against it.

SpiritualKnot · 11/06/2011 09:38

Hi Fuzzywuzzy,

Thanks for the reply.

Daughter is 12. He thinks the court will order that I give him half the rent until it goes into his name and will order I encourage my daughter to go and spend time with his new family.

Apparently my name can't be just taken off the mortgage, it all has to be done via a transfer of equity into his name. I had a lodger until recently, who was a solicitor, she said she felt that in the interim, he should pay the mortgage and I should get the rent for the inconvenience for doing everything. Of course it's not in my interests to let the ex know just how inconvenient managing the house is, otherwise he's delay things even longer.

Interesting about the age thing, I feel it's up to my daughter to decide not for me or him, so what you say supports that.

OP posts:
SpiritualKnot · 11/06/2011 09:40

Fuzzywuzzy,

sorry forgot to say that because we've got a consent order stipulating the £250 a month child maintenance, that can't be changed via CSA for a year and one day following the order, which came in force in December 2010.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 11/06/2011 09:45

Remember all this he says, he thinks is just that. One, unreasonable, person's point of view. It's not what the court said; he has to pay that £250. And let him take you to court for the rest, at his expense and his trouble. You might find they do you a favour and order him to take the rental house.

Agree with the others, you need good legal advice on this. The lodger may have given you a few useful tips but it is not the same as a paid legal Rottweiler working on your side!

SpiritualKnot · 11/06/2011 09:52

"paid legal Rottweiler"...like it!

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fuzzywuzzy · 11/06/2011 10:08

SK go speak with a solicitor, write out a list of questions and ring around yur local family solicitors. Most solicitors do one hour free consultation.

Also keep a written record of all contact your daughter has with her father, so in court if he announces he never gets to see his daughter you can give dates & times & duration of when contact took place.

My girls have court ordered supervised contact with their father, between the age of 8 & 10 the child's wishes are considered after 10 what the child wants is supposed to be heard. In yur case as the father has contact anyway & overnight is being refused by the child I don't think the courts will make any further orders, if he takes you to court make sure the CAFCASS Officer speaks with your daughter regarding her wishes.
Childrens hearings take years & are expensive & never ending. He won't take you to court he's just trying to control you & is attempting to scare you into submission.

As soon as the court ordered child maintenance payment order runs out go straight to the CSA, have his address, NINO, and work address handy.

NettleTea · 11/06/2011 10:13

also, thought that if you DS is 19 but in full time education, that he still has to pay for him as well.

SpiritualKnot · 11/06/2011 10:29

Thanks fuzzywuzzy,
will keep a list of contacts and phone calls from now on. He's annoyed as we've just come back from a holiday, but that was paid for on my 0% interest credit card. He says he can't afford a holiday so the £250 child maintenance he's not paying this month will go towards a holiday for him.

Nettletea,
I don't think he has to pay anything for our son? The solicitor who handled the divorce said that our son could ask him for money but that legally after the age of 18 ex wouldn't be legally bound to give him anything. My previous solicitor lodger thought he should pay something too. However, I put in the consent order that I would give son £200 a month and the courts took this out as they couldn't enforce it.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 11/06/2011 11:03

I think that's right, morally you can say parents should pay towards the son but legally there isn't anything to say they have to. Vaguely remember looking into this during my divorce, though from the opposite point of view (ie I was the one with the income in those days and it seemed likely that the DC would live with XH).

fuzzywuzzy · 11/06/2011 12:15

If there's a court order in place that he has to pay child maintenance, he can't refuse because you went on holiday.

He sounds like he's pissed off with his lot in life, which he chose & is trying to take it out on you & your children!

FabbyChic · 11/06/2011 12:56

My son went to university for four years and I never gave him a penny, he did get full support though via loans. Does your 19 year old really need 200 am month?

With regards the rental property tell your OH you are going to sell it, you should have nothing to do with it and should not be paying for it either.

SpiritualKnot · 11/06/2011 13:55

Hi Fabbychic

The loans he gets cover the tuition fees and don't quite cover all accommodation costs, so I have to give him something unless he leaves with an even bigger debt.

Property market round here is poor, probably wouldn't sell for ages and I'd end up continuing with the mortgage, if tenant left would be hard to rent out again if it was for sale, and I'd have to organise it and pay all the fees. Any discussion about these things with him is pointless, can't do with the stress of that, hence putting it in his name.

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