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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

constantly made to feel a bad mother

24 replies

NeedsABreak · 10/06/2011 23:08

Long story short, my stepfather made my life hell as a child. I'd have moved out at 16 if I could have but I ended up moving out to live with my then DP when I was 18.

My stepfather has continued to hate me but has always adored my kids. When I became a single mum years ago, my mum helped me out by dropping my kids off to school and me to work on her way to work as I cant drive (I didn't ask, she offered). A few years ago my stepdad started driving her to work as she was finding parking difficult and having to walk a fair distance to the office. Now my mum has developed a phobia of driving and wont get in the driver's seat at all. She's now totally reliant on him, he drives my kids to school and mum to work.

She pays all the bills, she bought the car, he contributes nothing to their household and hasn't for years....they had a business years ago and he drove it into the ground with his spending.

In the last few years I thought we were making progress. We've had some Christmas dinners together, done daft things like go to the garden centre etc. Like families do I assume.

Here's where it gets complicated. My mum is pissed from about 6.30 every night, arseholed to the point where she can barely speak. It upsets me and makes me angry. I have begged her to stop but she blames me, says worrying about me makes her drink (single parent blah blah). I spend a lot of time feeling angry towards her which probably does make me unreasonable at times.

She is quick to criticise me...tells me "that table needs a wipe" or "you need to put that recycling out". Do I go into her home and tell her that her crystal glasses in the display cabinet have two years worth of dust on them? no. It's none of my business.

I guess it got to boiling point. Years of resentment. Mum and I had a row a couple of days ago. My stepfather ran up my garden path and threatened to hit me for upsetting my mum (how ironic). I told him to try it, that I wasn't a child anymore and no longer scared of him.

It brought back some really horrible memories. My head is all over the place. I hoped he had changed, I thought he loved my kids, I thought he was maybe sorry for everything he did to me and mum and was trying to make amends. Clearly not, as he has slagged me off to ds since, told him i'm mad (I suffer from depression).

I dont want him anywhere near my kids now. I tried to tell my mum tonight how I feel but she was pissed as normal, said she needed sleep. (After accusing me of lying and trying to start an argument). Why the hell would I do that? I hate confrontation. I told her that if her husband carried on slating me to my children I would not let them go there anymore. She told me I was selfish.

I dont know what to do.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 10/06/2011 23:12

How old are your kids now?

harecare · 10/06/2011 23:14

I don't think you can rely on either of them for help or support. Try to work out a way so that you don't need the lifts for the kids and then ONLY see them when it suits you.
Once you are no longer reliant on them you may be able to have a relationship with them.

ike1 · 10/06/2011 23:17

Oh goodness, catch the bus and find some baby sitters. Keep contact to a minimum.

NeedsABreak · 10/06/2011 23:20

I'm not sure I want to have a relationship with them. I've buried this for years. He was an alcoholic and did awful things. When he stopped drinking I thought he'd be okay...but threatening to punch me probably proves he's just a bastard whether he's drunk or not.

My kids will be so upset if I dont let them see him anymore, but I dont really want to tell them what he's like.

OP posts:
NeedsABreak · 10/06/2011 23:21

My kids will blame me

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 10/06/2011 23:24

How old are the kids though, as you say "several years ago", so they must be getting to an age where they can go visit without you.

snailoon · 10/06/2011 23:25

I'm so sorry. Life is hard enough without having someone treat you like this.

Is there any way you can escape from relying on this awful man? How far is it to school? Can you bike, or catch a ride with someone else? Is there a bus? It is painful and destructive to be forced to accept favours from someone whose existence you can barely tolerate.

moaningminniewhingesagain · 10/06/2011 23:28

From what you have said, I think once they are old enough to understand, they will see you are protecting them.

You know they are unpleasant people and you are in charge of your family now, I would happily stop contact in this situation. It sounds like he has bullied you and neither are really fit to look after the children.

Have you looked at the stately homes threads about toxic parents? It may be helpful for you (my dad is a twunt, I have stopped trying to please him, he does get to see my children but not look after them on his own and I will stop it at the first sign of any spitefulness like he has shown me)

NeedsABreak · 10/06/2011 23:29

sorry squeaky, they are 14 and 7. I dont want them to visit though if he is going to tell them their mummy is mad. Poor ds was upset tonight because his grandad was saying awful things about me and he was torn...he told me because he loves me but he didn't want to cause a row.

I so wanted to tell him that his grandad was a woman beating bastard...but obviously I wont. So I remain the villain.

OP posts:
animula · 10/06/2011 23:29

I'm sorry to be the one to bring the cliche, but have you read "Toxic Parents"? You seem to be caught in a vicious circle of need and dependency, seeking love and comfort (and affirmation) and being kept needy. No wonder you're depressed. (Though, obviously, I realise there are probably lots of reasons for that.)

By the way, you do know you are not the cause of your mother's choosing to drink? You are not.

harecare · 10/06/2011 23:31

They may hate you for stopping the contact, but you know it's for their benefit. The "hate" they may feel will be short lived and shallow.
Definitely don't let the DCs visit an alcoholic woman and abusive man without you.

animula · 10/06/2011 23:32

There really is so much in your post but I have to just say very clearly that your stepfather telling your children their mother is mad is incredibly destructive and way over the boundary of any boundary going.

I'm feeling so angry for you.

squeakytoy · 10/06/2011 23:33

14 is certainly old enough to know the score, and to tell them to shut up if they are bad mouthing you. And plenty of 7yo's are well aware of what is going on too, they arent daft.

I agree, both adults sound as bad as each other, and you need to break off any dependence on them as this situation will only make depression worse.

Your kids wont blame you. Honestly, they wont.

NeedsABreak · 10/06/2011 23:36

I've tried so hard not to cry but everything has come back. They ganged up on me when I was a kid. He'd beat her, i'd try to protect her, he'd beat me too and then it would be my fault...she'd give me a bollocking for causing trouble. I feel like a bloody ten year old again. This is the first time i've answered him back since I left home.

OP posts:
dittany · 10/06/2011 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedsABreak · 10/06/2011 23:47

What on earth do I tell my kids though? My mum loves us but I do get the feeling she will take hubbys "side". She always did, despite the fact he threw her down the stairs, blacked her eyes, knocked her teeth out and set fire to her. How can I possibly tell my ds what he is really like Sad

OP posts:
dittany · 11/06/2011 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sonearandsofa · 11/06/2011 00:02

You don't have to tell them very much at all at first. Just something vague about you "taking a break" from them, and spending more time with each other. And only say something if they ask.

I'd figure that out when you are in a more settled, confident state of mind.

Please don't take this the wrong way but while I know that part of you sees how damaging they have been/are for you, I think another bit of you hasn't quite acknowledged it yet. It's a hard thing to do. I know this because I had counselling a while back, and this is the sort of stuff that came up and it was all very strange - the fact I "knew" but "didn't know".

I, personally, would fudge along until I felt a great deal more secure in myself, because otherwise you will almost certainly be telling the children it's your fault for things that really aren't.

Vix1980 · 11/06/2011 08:00

Im speaking from experience when i say this but you are absolutely not to blame for your mothers drinking, more likely its because she has to live with this man and probably fears him too so thats the way she has found to cope - to loose herself in a bottle.

My Other half is going through the same thing at the moment, his mum drinks from the moment she gets in from work (the off license actually buys her favourite cider in for her, how bad eh!), He has also had to have counselling for similar issues and is still going through this, i know exactly what the above poster means though as he tried to explain how he knew it had all happened but hadnt accepted it had happened,in a small part of him he wished he could go back and start again and he made that small part bigger than it should be so he always felt that regret more than anything else, when really he should of removed himself from the situation at the earliest point. We have said everything to his family to get them to stop their drinking and abusive ways even the fact that we wouldnt let our children stay with them nothing has worked so far so thats it really we dont really go round

You definatly need to stop your children from going to see them for a while at least, let them make the 1st contact with you if they want to make the effort to see their grandkids then tell them they can come to your hom and see them for a few hours, under no circumstances go back to their house, as thats obviously what he wants - to feel secure in his kingdom, so shake it up a little and gethis insecurities going. Your children are not stupid, they will understand why they havent seem them for a while, if you tell them that they have issues they need to deal with and its not making them nice people to be around at the moment, the 14 year old seems to have had a taste of this mans personality already by slagging you off. Its hard to see the woman who brought you up acting in this way but at the moment look after yourself, go talk to your doctor arrange to have counselling even, there are many unresolved feelings still as you say, Just make yourself and your children your main focus from now on. dont have any other negative factors in your life! YOU WILL BE OK!! XXXX

pink4ever · 11/06/2011 08:41

You let your kids be around a man who "beat,knocked the teeth out and set fire to" your own mother?. Really?Shock. Cut these vile people out of your life-they are only a convenience to you because they drive you places.

harecare · 11/06/2011 21:03

Listen to those with experience. Separate yourself, seek professional help and learn that it is NOT your fault.
Good luck.

ChaoticAngelofLitha · 11/06/2011 21:30

You really need to cut contact with these people for both yours and your DC's sake.

NeedsABreak · 13/06/2011 23:23

It's been an awful weekend. I really haven't wanted to speak to my mum but I just cant bring myself not to, it will make her drinking worse. I've hardly slept for thinking about the whole situation.

She told me that my stepfather "wants nothing more to do with me, as he's sick of me". That hurt me even more, she may as well have shrugged at the end of her statement. She was drunk tired though and said we'd talk about it another day. Why bother?

Dd was a very good girl today, i've been trying to get her to tidy her room for months because we are trying to move away from awful neighbours. Normally she strops, cries and does nowt. Today she was brilliant and I said i'd call nanna and tell her how good she had been, thought she really deserved the praise.

I called my mum on her mobile because normally she spends the evening in a different room to stepfather, the landline is in his room and he wont answer it if he sees my number (and that's on a good day). She was so drunk she didn't realise she'd answered the phone, as it happened they were in the same room for once. "oh I missed it" "who was it?" "it was needsabreak, I dont know why she's phoning the mobile" "she's probably having a tantrum" "well that's stupid". All the time i'm on the other end "mum, mum, i'm here, mum, you need to put the phone by your ear...mum...".

Two minutes later she called back. I told i'd just heard everything they said. No, I couldn't have because there was no connection. She's slurring her head off.

You know the strange thing? They used to fight so much when I was a kid, but as soon as I tried to stand up for her i'd be the villain and they'd be much closer for a few months. She's the only family i've got, how can I cut her out? Sad I am finding this so hard.

OP posts:
harecare · 14/06/2011 14:08

I know blood is thicker than water, but when the blood is poisoned by alcohol it's time to make friends your new family.
Who cares if stepfather is sick of you. Aren't you sick of him? Don't worry what he thinks of you he's not worth it.
Your Mother is an alcoholic and though she may blame her drinking on you it is NOTTTTTT your fault. You've stood by her all this time and she has never stopped so maybe cutting her out of your life with the clear message that you'd love to hear from her when she has been sober for at least a month might actually be the wake up call she needs.
Seek help. Make a call NOW to AA or your GP. You can manage without their awful influence, but you will need help.

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