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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I think the only way out is to leave without the DC.

17 replies

culdesac · 10/06/2011 20:12

I don't know where to go and my head is so messed up. I feel I have no option but to leave my marriage, my DH is making me deeply unhappy and it's been this way for a while.

He's in the Forces and I've started many a thread about issues in our marriage. I don't want to go through it all, but basically it's deep rooted selfishness and a huge sense of entitlement. I've tried to tell him where it's going wrong, I've spoken to him so many times about it all but he tells me "it's a load of crap".

We are now at a stage where we are rarely nice to each other, there are a lot of rows and put downs and it is so fucking miserable and relentless.

BUT he won't leave, tells me to go without the kids. I have no where to go, I'm a SAHM with no savings, in a privately rented house.

He has other 3 other DC with 2 other women that he pays for but doesn't see, so if I went to court I don't think he'd get full custody, although he's already told me he'll tell them that I can't cope - with no way to back this up, I might add.

I don't know what to do, I feel so trapped and whilst all this is going on we risk completely screwing up the DC, but he doesn't seem to give a damn.

OP posts:

K999 · 10/06/2011 20:15

Have you got anywhere at all that you can go to?

oldqueenie · 10/06/2011 20:16

please find a family law solicitor and get some advice about your options.

K999 · 10/06/2011 20:16

Sorry just realised what you said....But can't you go to family?

K999 · 10/06/2011 20:18

If he is in the forces, don't the army etc have support/advice they can offer you?

SaggyHairyArse · 10/06/2011 20:18

Go to see a solicitor, the CAB and a lone parent advisor at your local job centre. I too was a SAHM with no savings and managed to find a way out with the kids. You CAN do it too!

Hassled · 10/06/2011 20:18

There will be a way. Go and see a solicitor - one of the ones who will do a free half hour session. Or CAB. Don't give up, and don't leave your DCs with someone with "deep rooted selfishness and a huge sense of entitlement" - they deserve better than that. They deserve having their mother around. I'm sorry you're going through all this - it sounds like hell. But please persevere with an escape route - there will be one.

KeepErLit · 10/06/2011 20:24

Please contact Womens Aid.

www.womensaid.org.uk / 0808 2000247

You can ring the helpline for general advice or you can turn up at any refuge with the children at any time of day or night and they will give you all the help and support you need re:benefits, housing, legal matters etc. Please do not be afraid of going into a refuge if you have no other alternative. I see many in my work and speak to service users. In the main, they are nice, safe, supportive environments and not the scary, miserable place that most people imagine.

Original poster

culdesac · 10/06/2011 20:25

I've spoken to the CAB before, who told me to phone Woman's Aid (he's not physically abusive or anything though)

Here's a thread of mine from last year, to give you a bit of background. This was the straw that broke the camels back and I've found it very hard to get past this.

OP posts:

Original poster

culdesac · 10/06/2011 20:27

I wish he could see that by leaving amicably life would be happier for us all, especially the DC. His ex wife stopped him seeing their 2 DC so I think he's scared that it's all going pear shaped again.

OP posts:

KeepErLit · 10/06/2011 20:44

It doesn't have to be physical abuse to seek help from Womens Aid. Telling you to go without the kids, threatening you with courts and losing custody of the children is emotional abuse. Womens Aid can help with this too. Ring the helpline. Honestly, they can help you.

FabbyChic · 10/06/2011 21:05

Ring Womans Aid and get out of that house WITH your children. He is emotionally abusive that is enough.

You cannot continue to live the way you do. He will not get custody he is trying to scare you. get out and get out now.

Original poster

culdesac · 10/06/2011 21:19

am going to ring them again in the morning when he goes out.

this is all such a mess.

OP posts:

hiddenhome · 10/06/2011 21:22

Please don't leave your dcs. My ExP tried this emotionally abusive shit on me too, but it got him nowhere in the end. You must try to remain strong for your dcs. He will not get residence.

Northernlurker · 10/06/2011 21:25

Have only read the first post of your other thread but that's enough. You CANNOT leave your dcs with a man like that. You just can't. I hope you can find somewhere to go. HAve you parents or siblings who could take you in just for a little while whilst you get sorted?

meditrina · 10/06/2011 21:26

Is it a private rental that he pays for, or a letting that MoD pays for?

Can you get on to SSAFA?

meditrina · 10/06/2011 21:27

SSAFA Stepping Stone Homes.

Original poster

culdesac · 10/06/2011 21:50

it's a private rental nothing to do with the MOD.

Thanks for the link to SSAFA.

I'll never leave them, but I feel so, so trapped. Family unable to take me in, it's only my parents around and they don't have enough space for them let alone me and the 3 DC.

Need to start making phone calls again.

OP posts:

Flip