Love in a Singles Group

[maturelady111]

I was widowed ten years ago. I have a grown up dc and dd. I had one relationship five years ago and fell head over heels but it wasn't really right and it ended after a year. I was heartbroken for a long time, in fact until I met someone else. I belong to a singles social club and met him through that and had already known him for three years. As the group is not a dating agency and is for single people we kept our relationship quiet and acted discretely. After a year we split up and he immediately took up with another member of the group which was so difficult and humiliating for me as they acted openly like a couple. I was devastated. After four months he came crawling back to me. He has always had a tendency to depression and at this point appeared to have a breakdown. He was diagnosed with severe depression and put on Citalopram 20mg. I saw him through all that and he promised me he had "learned his lesson" and "wouldn't hurt me again". Once he started to feel better he took himself off the tablets (as they affected his performance in bed!). (To complicate matters we are both on the committee of this group and he has been chairman for two years. I have always preferred up to now to use it as a friendship group.)
He was ok at first after coming off the tablets but then to me began to deteriorate and I am convinced now that he has other psychological issues BPD? He became paranoid about another member of the group who he thought was abusing it and began to obsess about this, wanted him out etc. He is also extremely sensitive to criticism, feels very guilty (eg. after what he did to me), feels his customers (he's a builder) are abusing him, has a desire for revenge which he knows often destroys the thing he wants, is very tidy and orderly (he thinks I am too untidy I am!) and has a fear of abandonment eg he jumped into another relationship as he thought I was going to dump him.
All this culminated in us going through a rough patch as I tried to make him see reason but we were going to talk about it when I got back from a week's break with a girlfriend. This was a year ago. When I got back I found out he had been "sniffing round" another woman in the group --visiting her house. I was devastated again but didn't handle it very well. I couldn't face him so just wrote him an angry letter. He tried to deny it but I just said "I hope it all works out for you" and hung up.

Since then we haven't spoken about it but I have had to see him on the committee and he began appearing with this other woman she isn't divorced yet. They don't look happy and he looks very rough, tired and older and I think has been ill again. I have had a miserable year tho I have really tried dated a couple of men, joined a gym, taken classes etc.
He had been fitting my new kitchen and lately has been making excuses to come and check and fix things. We talk and talk (but not about anything personal) and I feel very close to him. I don't think he meant this to happen, once again, he thought I was abandoning him and was testing the waters with someone else.
I KNOW I have had a lucky escape and he has treated me like shit but I am miserable without him. I feel he is going to make an approach to me and I would like to be strong but doubt it. I want to take care of him and get help for him.
Any advice other than run like the wind?! Do you think he does have BPD as well as depression?

I think if you go back to him you will only have years and years of the exact-same thing, over and over - as you have done already.

The main issue here I think is your codependence re i want to take care of him and get help for him. You can't do that, nobody can, only him, but codependents think the rules don't apply to them and that they can, that their (I should say here: our!) love and attention will finally get the object of our affections on the straight and narrow.

The reality is that codependents tend to be addicted to dysfunctional people - relationships with a combination of troubled & codependent almost always have a highly addictive element to them. You know that if he comes sniffing back you will be helpless to resist and tbh I agree, because you are addicted to him - or the drama and pain of the relationship.

CODA, sharpish!

Wow, Springy, people on here are so wise and perceptive. Had never thought of it like that but I think you are right. My last relationship was very similar. I'd never thought of myself as codependent. And I know deep down that your advice is correct. Thank you.

Bless you lady, it's not easy to face up to but at the same time it's liberating, makes sense of all the painful going-nowhere relationships - recognising it is half the battle. Have you heard of CODA? It's Codependents Anonymous and will be a real revelation - you will see yourself there! You could also google to see what comes up - I know there are some good books around too, classics. It's a long time since I read them so can't remember any of the titles/authors - perhaps someone will come along who can. It's never too late to address the default position, so take heart lady. Although I have to always be aware of it, I now know enough to know how to avoid relationships like this - I am no longer attracted to them or attract them. Phew!

Thanks Springy. I had not heard of CODA as I had no idea I was a codependent! I became a Special Needs teacher as I was always drawn to the children with problems -- but at least I could leave them behind at the end of the day! Unfortunately there is no CODA meeting anywhere near me but the website is useful and I have been busy googling!
I suppose I like to feel needed especially now my children have left home (one had special needs!)
Thank you for making me aware of this trait in myself. It had never ocurred to me before.

What puzzles me- and you don't have to say why but it would help- is why you split up in the first place? Did you end it or did he- and why?

You cannot blame him for seeking out another woman in the group then- and the fact that they flaunted it when you had not is not wrong- they were just behaving differently to you and him. it is what men do- they tend to replace an ex very quickly as they don't like being on their own generally.

Looking at this really dispassionately, it looks as if you have always had a very on/off thing with this man and seem unable to settle on either friendship or lovers.

I have the impression that part of you doesn't want him- but neither do you want any other woman to have him either.

Are you a controlling type of person? Do you thrive on difficult situations and trying to "sort " people, when others would simply walk away?

I think you need to decide if you really want HIM and have a very honest talk with him about this expectations . if you do decide you want him in your life then he surely has to get his mental health sorted- maybe he has OCD rather than BP?- and not be his rescuer- that's not your role.

I split up with him because he began seeing this other woman while I was away and we were officially still an item. He had a tendency to sniff round other women as soon as he felt a bit threatened or jealous (because I had gone away). So what with the issue of trust and the problem of his unstable behaviour as a result of taking himself off his medication, I walked away. I still love him and we were definitely a couple/lovers in all other situations other than in this group which is for single people who on the whole want to get away from couples. I have made a lot of friends there so still like to go.
I don't think I am at all controlling but I do like trying to solve problems.
Thank you Strawberry. I have never posted before so I don't think I have explained myself very well. I find it hard to get feelings etc sorted in my head and onto paper.

He sounds incredibly insecure and even a bit of a player! if he can't wait for you when you spend time alone with your friends what kind of basis is that for a long term relationship? I suppose without being a fly on the wall it's hard to know what he thought when you had time away from him- if he thought he was being dumped maybe?

If he has problems with trust - let alone you- then it's never going to be easy.

I think TBH that he sounds hard work. yes, it might work long term but it would be a bumpy ride. Is that for you?

Thanks Strawberryjelly. Yes he is all those things --insecure etc. It's this real fear of abandonment and thinking he is going to be dumped that makes him jump first then regret it (BPD?). I know I am really better off without him, he has so many issues, but until he had a breakdown and then wouldn't stay on his medication for severe depression, everything was lovely and I want that person back. But after reading many threads on here both in Relationships and Mental Health, I do wonder if I would cope with such a roller coaster life.

Can't you have real herat to heart and tell him exactly that?
if he was to seek help for his problems ( counselling and medical help) and take the meds- would you stand by him?

You aren't his counsellor or rescuer- but if you do love him there could be a way- but you need to step back and be his girlfriend not any of the former.

I would love to be able to have a heart to heart with him but at the moment we are circling each other warily waiting for someone to make the first move. I just want to be able to point him in the right direction to get help. He knows he has problems and always seems to manage to "make a mess of everything" but doesn't think anyone can help him. Unfortunately I have to go away next week for 10 days (more suspicions!) but I shall be seeing him when I get back, for work reasons and am determined to confront things one way or another. I am pleased that you didn't just dismiss him straightaway and tell me to run! I am grateful for that. Thank you.

If you have had a sexual long ish term relationship it shouldn't be that hard to arrange a time to chat? Just call him and ask him over for a drink or a coffee- or go out to a pub. Or at least lay down the seeds of doing that before you go away?Be brave!

afternoon maturelady, I am also widowed and have just come out of a 'wonderful' relationship with a man who had pursued me for twenty years and he stepped in within only a few months of my H dying. He was actually married and had left his wife but has revealed his true self to me very recently.

I have made it very clear that I do not wish to have any contact with him, and he is currently back in his marital home as far as I am aware, doing what I do not know.

Yes I miss him, I miss what we appeared to have and this makes me sad, however I actually feel better as I know I have done the right thing as his behaviour was making me feel worse.

I am allowing myself time to actually understand how I feel, resting, asking people to help when I need it and not trying to second guess what he may be feeling or thinking - he treated me badly when I had been very good to him. It wouldn't sit well with me to treat him in any way other than I wish to be treated myself. I have sent him one message to say exactly how I feel regarding his deceit, not angry, just a commentry on the situation.

You need to ask yourself lots of questions about why you need him, what do you really want and then take things from there. Be open and honest with yourself first then all the rest should fall into place

Thank you Merrywidow. I followed your thread with interest and great admiration for your strength and shock at how you had been duped. As you say strawberryberryjelly, I do just need to have a proper indepth conversation and thrash it all out. Because I just walked away, I have a lot of unanswered questions which are eating away at me. Don't know if I'd get the truth but need to try before I can try to work out the best direction to take.

I don't honestly think he will be straight with you lady - imo he is probably incapable of being straight and honest.

You know as well as I do lady, as we've been around the block a bit (years wise that is ), that men know how to look after themselves. He is running rings round you lady, with the poor-pity/ I can't cope act. He can cope! Don't be kidded otherwise. All this 'she has abandoned me so I'l find somebody else' - sorry, don't buy it. He has got himself ragged precisely to reel you in - it's working, because that is your weakness and he knows it. he can look after himself lady - said that already!

I think you are horribly right Springy but he hasn't had it all his way. He was shocked when I walked away. He was caught red handed "testing the waters" and putting a replacement in place "just in case" and did not think I would do it. Although I have had to see him around, I have had no meaningful communication until recently and I know he is full of regrets that he "messed everything up" so I have been strong and determined for a year and I will try to continue that but it will be hard. Thank you for trying to keep me on track. I am off to a little scottish island for ten days, no telly, no internet --just going to walk, talk, read and think with friends.

Lucky you! Have a fab time

when you are back and see this, have you asked why he needs a relationship on the go all the time? is it for sex or is he needing women as an emotional crutch.
I always think it's a bit worrying when guys replace women so fast- like we are cars or something that they can't simply do without. Maybe that iis men though.

Is he a guy who is simply no good on his own?

Thanks Springy.
Strawberryjelly. Yes, I think more than most men even, he needs a woman all the time and jumps from relationship to relationship in desperation, a sort of constant rebound! I was one of the most stable he'd had. He doesn't have any male friends and gets very lonely so it is more for an emotional crutch I would say. He is attractive to women, at least at first, so finds it easier to pick up another one than try to build a proper friendship with either male or female. As I had already known him for 3 years we were friends first.
Must go and dig out my waterproofs!

Probably best to just stay friends with the man, OP.
But please, please could people stop trying to make a mental health diagnosis on here - and then blaming any bad behaviour on the supposed diagnosis.
I actually do have BPD, and it is hurtful to think people who don't know me would judge me because of it.

So sorry Kallista. I had just been hoping to get a bit more insight from more experienced people tho I realise it can't be diagnosed on a forum.

If this man has been bed hopping with you, with another woman, with you, maybe with another woman and this is what he may have been like in his past the first thing I would recommend is getting yourself to an STI clinic.

Xales, I haven't slept with him for a year now.
I have seen the light at last! I shan't be going back to him. There are too many red warning lights that I have been turning a blind eye to lately. He certainly doesn't deserve my friendship either!
Thank you to those who have given me the benefits of their wisdom.

I shall let the scottish winds blow him out of my system!

That's ok. Myself i tend to avoid serious boyfriends as i find it so hard to trust others, and can get paranoid - BUT if i had a partner i would do my best to treat him well. Hope you find a better man + have a nice holiday.