she shows me little affection

[lightning02]

I am a dad of 2 and have been married to my beatiful wife for 12 years.
The problem is that she seems to show little or no affrection towards me. I am the one who always initiates sex and kisses and cuddles her. To be honest, I reckon if I stopped doing this then we would probably go for ages without any physical contact what so ever!! I feel rejected and pushed away because of this. When I do show her lots of affection she tells me to stop being too needy and clingy! I find her really attractive and I really miss the intimacy between us, it's driving me mad!!

In general we get on quite well, but this "problem" is starting to burrow itself deeper into me the longer time goes on!!

Any ideas on how I can sot this out? Should I just cool off alltogether and see how she reacts, or is this too harsh?

Hello
Does your wife have any issues from her childhood regarding intimacy? Has she ever been hurt by a previous relationship? How is she with her family? How is she with your children, does she hug and kiss them? And how are you, with your kids?

Was it different in the beginning of your relationship, or has it always been like this?

Lots of questions, but all relevant I think x

Have you tried talking to her? Was she always like this or is it since having children? Maybe after a day spent looking after children she feels "touched out" and just needs some space.
Don't just freeze her out, if it's bothering you then just sit her down and chat and sort it out.

And be honest - is the kissing and cuddling just because you want sex? Or do you feel affectionate towards her even if that's not on offer?

Hi Lightning
Affection and sex are two different things a lot of the time though. Are you happy to show her affection (i.e kisses and cuddles) without sex or do you always expect it to lead to 'more'?
It's just you mention affection in the title but then you mention sex and finding her attractive in the post. Not judging, it's just a little confusing.

She has no past issues from childhood or relationships. At the beginning of our relationship she we were always all over each other!

I show her affection all the time, not just to initiate sex.

She shows tonnes of affection to the kids all the time.

Might just boild down to me! Maybe she just doesnt like me. :(

maybe she's just exhausted

Kids are at school and she doesnt work.

Sometimes its easy to take people close to you for granted.

I think omg and transfer are both right, she might be really tired, and you need to talk to her and have her understand that its not you being needy, its something you both need, to stop you feeling like housemates.

And when you talk, its really important to avoid saying anything that sounds like you're placing blame, or being self pitying. Be realistic and try and agree on a way forward with affection, ie. a cuddle when you come in from work, sex 'booked in' once a week, or whatever.

Have you sat down with her and told her in a calm manner how you feel? If she used to be an affectionate person and isin't now then something has happened to make her feel that way. Until you work out between you what it is then you cannot move forward.

You are not unreasonable in wanting to be shown affection. I have just come out of a relationship where my ex rarely showed me affection and it makes you feel like shite. How long have you been together and when did things change?

we have sat down and talked this through a few times. The last time i mentioned it she got all defensive and said....oh not this again!!

weve been together 14 yrs, married 12.

Could you write her a letter? Really pour your feelings out and let her know how much its affecting you?

I hate to be the first to say this but are you sure she isn't seeing someone else?

While I can understand why the frequency of sex has reduced over the years, I find the sudden loss of interest in cuddling and affection surprising. Not wanting to be touched by your partner can be a telltale sign that they are emotionally elsewhere. Alternatively there could be some other issue bothering her that no one knows about

Well if it's honestly just affection you want not continual sex and there is no reason for her to be like this then maybe she just doesn't need affection the way you do? Do you need more than you used to? Do you feel detached from her in other ways?

I dont think she is seeing anyone else. sounds crazy, but I know her and know she wouldnt do that kind of thing!

I prob do crave more affection than I used to, purely because I dont hardly get any now. Before, we were both affectionate towards each other so prob subconciously didnt crave it.

You really do need to talk about it. It's just going to drive a wedge between you. I understand you're sure she wouldn't have someone else but sometimes women are very good at hiding things. It's probably unlikely that's the reason but don't just disregard it if it's even a vague possibility.

Just another question (ie not being directly helpful...) but how old are your kids?

do you think there are unresolved issues that she feels are in the way and stopping her from opening up...Ask her directly..look her in the eyes and tell her it's breaking your heart that you're not as affectionate with each other as you used to be..and if there's anything you've done wrong, then please can she tell you because you value her very much

When you say you show her affection "all the time", do you think maybe you are being a bit too clingy... for example, if she sits on the sofa next to you, do you immediately touch her, hold her hand, pat her leg, cuddle up to her? Or if she is busy doing something, do you constantly hug her, or be "there"....

It could be that she simply feels her personal space is invaded all the time.

I will be honest, I cant be doing with being pawed, or constantly fawned over.. I find it too much.