Advice please for cousin who seems to be coming trapped by her controlling 'fiance'.

[CrapBag]

My cousin is only 16 and very young for her years.

She met a 20 year old a few months ago and she is now engaged to him and they are living in his bedsit.

When they met he told her he was a model and has a private helicopter to take him all over the world (but lives in a bedsit and she believes him, she really is not blessed with intelligence or common sense).

My aunt had made it worse by allowing her DD to do whatever she likes, when she likes and just allowed to her to move out. Now she is saying she is worried and she wants others in the family to say something to our cousin as she won't listen to her mum or dad. This has to be done via messages as they don't live in the same place as the rest of the family.

My cousins 'fiance' won't let her out of his sight. If she goes to open the door to her mum, he goes to the door with her. He has been kicked off the college campus a few times because he goes there with my cousin and he isn't allowed to as he is not a student. My cousin was going to stay at her mums but said she would miss her 'fiance' too much so my aunt let him stay too. We now think she won't come to a wedding as he will not be allowed to stay with anyone down here and we are thinking that he won't want my cousin to go. She believes and goes along with everything he says.

Apparently, she can't wake him up when he is asleep as he doesn't like it. He wakes her up by tickling her or whatever but when she done it to him, he tried to punch her but missed!

She isn't taking the pill anymore and she said they were using condoms but has now admitted her doesn't like them so they aen't using any protection. She has always gone on about how she wants a baby but she couldn't even hold my DD properly, even when told. She had the pretend baby from school before for 1 night and couldn't handle it.

He has tattooed her, she is letting him practise on her. She has 2 so far, 1 on her leg and 1 on her arm but he wants her to have a sleeve and I have no doubt that she will let him do it.

He told her to ask her parents for money, so she did (and got it, but thats another story).

What the hell can I say to her? She has always looked up to me in the past but I know that she is obsessed with boys and anyone that pays her attention, she will drop everything for and do whatever they want.

She is very young for her age and extremely naive but you can't exactly tell her anything as she doesn't listen, just like her bloody mother who we all blame for letting this happen (from the age of 10 her mum would laugh and say how she was going to have problems with her as she would be pregnant at 15, thinking it was some great joke and saying it in front of my cousin).

No idea what you can do really but it sounds awful :(

I'm sure its against the law to tattoo someone under 18. I'll google it for you. If it is - there you go! Call the police and have him arrested, while he's getting booked a few of you go to the bedsit give her a talking to and get her and her stuff back home. If she's as daft as you say it should be fairly easy for you to railroad her.

When she's safe at home look at getting an injunction to keep him away from your Aunt and her and get the college to step up security in case he show's up there. If this was my cousin I would do this because its an absolute nightmare and she'll be glad you did this in the future.

Yes its a crime! Make some plans with your family and then call the police and maybe even social services - she is a child at risk.

I agree with RudeEnglishLady, call the police and get him arrested. Bloody hell what a horrific situation, what the hell was her mother thinking? (Or not thinking it would seem)

Trouble is if she goes back to your aunts it sounds like the woman is incapable of caring for her child anyway. I hate to mention social services as well but it sounds as if they need to get involved tbh. Your cousin is well on the way to ending up pregnant with a child she cannot care for.

A very sad story OP and I wish you the best of luck.

I agree about the tattoos being a crime and getting him arrested for this as a means of getting her on her own. Could you perhaps have her to stay for a night, as she looks up to you and would perhaps listen to you more than her mum?

you need to get him away from her before she becomes pregnant ... do what you can. sounds like a tough measure is needed. 16 is extremely young

You need to get her away from him before the relationship turns violent. Because that is exactly where it is heading. :(

I do know how ridiculously arrogant most 16yr old girls can be though, and they will insist that they know better than anyone else. Just be ready to catch her when the fall out happens, which it will.

The problem is, there isn't anything I can physically do. They live a few hours away from where I live.

I was also told that when my cousin was at home, she was afraid my aunt was going to stop her going out, so she just climbed out of the window. He is also in arrears with his rent and may be thrown out of his bedsit. My aunt told my cousin that she will always have a bed there but she isn't to bring him and my cousin said she will stay on the street with him rather than go home.

My cousin is 'in love' with this idiot and gives him nearly all her money and just does what he wants. Apparently even if she goes to the shop or to answer the door, he follows her. On facebook it says that she is over her friends but she said she is missing him, she is not going to want to leave him, and that is the problem. She also wants a baby, which will be a massive mistake and I dread to think of the life the poor child will have. I am the result of a teenage pregnancy and my 'mother' disowned me. My other cousin got his 15 year old girlfriend (at the time) pregnant and she has moved out and isn't that bothered about her DS and my cousin isn't the best person to be looking after a child full time either.

Crapbag this man has committed an offence, tattooing a minor is serious. Report him to the police. Even if you can't physically grab your cousin this is going to kick the hornet nest and bring about a serious change in their circumstances. It will also bring the authorities in to see the situation for what it is. He will be charged, he will have to go to court. This is a big chance for you and your family. Take it. This is something you can physically do :)

Do you want to do it?

Awful as it is and destined to get worse, I don't think there is anything you can do. Social services will not get involved with a girl of this age who is in a relationship of her own volition. I hate to say it but until this young girl finds out for herself that she has backed a loser, there is little anyone can do. If her mother were more emotionally mature, she could go and forcibly remove her (I've known mothers and fathers do this in similar situations). Your cousin is totally deluded and thinks that this man's possessiveness is because he loves her so much.............oh dear it's very sad, but the more anyone tries to disapprove of what is happening, the more she will dig in her heels. Sounds like she is desparate for love and thinks she has found it.

Young people are only meant to be able to leave home at 16 with their parent's consent but I can tell you that the police are not going to bother themselves about this, and it sounds like her mother consented anyway.

The man is very troubled too and has probaby experienced a troubled childhood......all very sad and sometimes it takes years for the penny to drop and then young women get hooked up with someone else who is equally unsuitable for them. So very sad, but no easy answers.

How do I go about it? Obviously I don't phone 999 but it isn't my local police station and I don't know where abouts they live either, only the name of the town.

Thats the problem, the mother did consent to her moving out. She has let her do what she wants for a few years now and this is the result. My cousin doesn't want to leave this loser and you are right, the more people try to interfere, the more she will dig her heals in, exactly like her mother. If my nan tries to give my aunt any advice, she always purposly does the opposite, even now as a woman in her 50s and her daughter is turning out the same. My aunt is very immature and recently admitted she let her DD have boys over to stay because she wanted to be seen as a cool mum.

I would google the local police for that area and get the station number. Call it and ask to get out through to an officer dealing with offences against women and/or children. If you have to wait to speak to that specific person then do so. You don't want to be brushed off by someone who has no clue about this kind of thing. Report your concerns as unemotionally as possible, primarily the part about him tattooing a minor and his stated intention to do more. Have ready their names, addresses, DOB - as much info as possible. Sounds like there is financial and emotional/physical abuse also. Ask if they can involve a social worker or at least a YIP or Connexions person as (at least this used to constitute) a young person at risk. When I worked in this area (a while ago, admittedly) this would have been flagged as fairly serious concern. Poor girl - I do not like to think of her in a few months maybe pregnant, bruises and covered in shit tattoos :(

Your description of the situation is really upsetting. I don't know what the answer is but in the short term can someone persuade her to get an implant or contraceptive injection because the situation would be so much worse if she were up the duff.

I messaged her and had a reply.

She wants a baby now, is adamant he will stay around "because he loves me". She choose to stop taking the pill and she said it may be too late as well anyway. She doesn't appreciate people interrferring. Her mother is apparently twisting everything and he didn't try to hit her, she flicked him in the face with the quilt which he doesn't like and he done something (can't remember what she said) but she said he didn't try to hit her.

She was quite shitty about it and she is not going to listen to anyone. He is in arrears with his rent and if he is thrown out on the street, she is going to stay with him there rather than go back home.

I know it sounds harsh but she really is an idiot and my aunt is for totally allowing this to happen. Its a long story but we all knew this was how it would end up due to my aunts behaviour over the years wrt her DD. My cousin said she has grown up but she is more like an immature 12 year old than a street savvy 16 year old.

Is there any organisation or group for sexually exploited girls in their area? NSPCC run some.. They might be a good place to call for advice. This is the classic situation and if there is a group they might be able to work with her on recognising what's going on. I agree about the police, social services etc but she might be more willing to engage with a service that doesn't have direct power over what happens.

Well, if you won't take the police route and get him prosecuted for his crime (or at the very least some very unwelcome intrusion by the authorities) then you are just going to have to take a deep breath and not let it eat you up. Hopefully when she is pregnant, as she inevitably will be, her HV and Doctor will react on the situation wrt the abuse and the underage tattooing.

She will not accept any organisation trying to help her. She is a stubborn and pigheaded 16 year old and the more you try and talk her out of something, the more she will dig her heals in and do the opposite, exactly like her mother who has now backtracked and said she doesn't want her DD to feel like everyone is getting at her and maybe she didn't put it across to my nan properly what she wanted us to do.

I'm washing my hands of it. My cousin won't listen, my aunt has bascially encouraged this situation then asked for help, now saying thats not what she meant. She is a difficult woman and always has to create a massive drama but then she will always go back on what she says or contradict herself.

I tried to help, it wasn't wanted and neither will any further intervention (from my cousin or my aunt) so they can deal with the consequences and I certainly won't be listening to the moaning and complaining that will come later when this all blows up and neither will my other aunt who wouldn't talk to her niece because she said it is all her sisters fault and she has created this situation (all true) , I should have said the same tbh.

Thanks for your help though.

When the baby does come along, I hope that the HV does keep a very close eye and tbh, it would be better looked after by someone else.