Contact after three years?

[DisturbingMachines]

I (and by that I mean me/DH/DD1) haven't had contact with my mum for coming up to three years, and she'd not even met DD2 (18 MO).

We fell out big time over something that mattered to me and DH a lot, but is irrelevant to the OP in that we want to put it behind us.

Emails and texts were exchanged between us at the start of this time, but I soon realised they were going round in circles and so stopped contact all together.

Over the time DD1 (who's 10 now) had contact with her through my dad (who's divorced from my mum) three or four times, but each time mum would start kicking off afterwards about the original argument, sending me shitty emails about how wrong I am etc, saying dad was trying to stop her having contact with DD1 when in fact he was the one enabling it.

Each time we've just said, 'fuck it, it's just not worth the hassle' and left it again, the situation's calmed down, then we let her see DD and it starts all over again.

Only my opinion, but it's like she's never progressed on from the angry stage and we were waiting for her to 'get over it' (I don't mean that in a get a grip way, just that she was still embroiled in the argument when we wanted to forget it).

Anyway, it was my birthday the other day (a significant one) and she sent me a card, I've not heard anything from her for a while and the card she sent had a picture that meant something to us both, so I thought it might be time to see if anything had changed in the way she feels about it all and email her a thank you.

But we bumped into her in the street before I had chance so I took the bull by the horns and said it, she was really really pleased and happy I'd spoken, and to meet DD2.

I was going to leave it a couple of weeks and perhaps sort out DD1 and 2 going round for a short visit, but she's text me this morning re-issuing her invite to go round for a cup of tea, and I'm not sure what to do now.

I could send a short text back, but it just feels too quick after so long without contact, and because of having my fingers burnt before with contact through dad and then her getting angry, I don't want to get myself into a situation that'll be hard to back away from.

Should I text her back? But what kind of text? If I'm just 'civil' I'll look as though I'm being shitty with her, too emotional and I won't feel comfortable.

Perhaps I should just leave it and email her in a couple of weeks like I was going to? But then it looks like I'm spinning some kind of power game, 'you'll have to wait until I'm ready' kind of thing.

Arrrggghhh, I've tried to simplify a really complex situation, so I'm not drip feeding if I explain things I've left out, but I'd be interested to hear your thoughts and advice.

i would phone her and set a date for the meeting and chat on the phone a few times before the meeting....test the ground, you have to trust your mum again before any bridges can be built, sorry if i get this wrong but it's what i would do

You have to respond promptly, otherwise she'll think you're still not willing to make amends. I'd take her up on her offer - it's only a cup of tea, not a fortnight's holiday. She's been making positive steps - the card, pleased to bump into you, the offer of a cuppa - I think it's now your turn to move towards her. Good luck.

I'm not sure if this is a helpful suggestion or not, but could you meet up somewhere neutral for a cuppa rather than going to your mum's?

I know that it may be difficult with an 18mo, but would you be able to arrange it so that it is just you and your mum to give you a chance to clear the air before trying to move forward?

Good luck.

I would proceed with caution as this may well be another dead end re your mother.

How have you felt without being in contact with her for 3 years; happier without her in your lives?.

She may not want to repair your damaged relationship ultimately and thrives off the power and drama.

Do not use text speak; if you communicate do so by letter or in direct conversation over the phone and test the waters further that way.

Have you ever read the "well we took you to stately homes" thread on these pages?. That may be beneficial to you.

Thanks for your replies, I'd feel really uncomfortable actually meeting her face to face anywhere.

It has to be text or email, I just want some control over the interaction and for it not to go too quickly for me to be able to think it through properly, which it will if I see her.

I've been totally alright Attila, unemotional about it if the truth be told. That's why I'd prefer to keep a distance and just do it for the DDs at the moment, I don't want to be manipulated into feeling I have to go along with anything just because if I don't I'll be risking it going back to square one.

I've had a look at the stately homes threads before thanks, but it was being suggested by a poster on a thread I'd written a year or so ago and she was really confrontational, accusational and went far beyond reading between the lines of my OP, so I didn't think it'd be helpful to bump into her again.

Hi DM,

I don't think that particular poster is around any more.

Do not feel guilty or guilted into contacting your mother either because of some innate misguided feeling that the DC should have a relationship with her.

You would not take such nonsense from a friend; your mother is truly no different in that regard. You may also find reading "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward helpful if you have not already done so.

Toxic parents more often than not make for toxic grandparents; they can too easily get back at who they regard as their errant offspring via their grandchildren.