Relate - Can it help save my marriage?

[chocoholic]

My relationship seems to be in tatters at the moment.

We have been up and down for a long time. We got married last year after 10 years together. To be honest, looking back, I think he asked me because he thought it might help our relationship somehow.

Talking last night he has decided that his issue is that I can't give him the love / affection he wants from me. He doesn't know if that is because of me or because he has such high expectations no-one can ever give him that amount of love. It doesn't help that I went off sex when my DS was born (now 5) so we have had sex about twice in 2 years. Not at all since we have been married.

He has accepted this, or has tried to, but he keeps having outbursts and verbally attacking me because he keeps so much bottled up. This is happening more and more and he knows it isn't fair. He will leave if I want him to but I don't. I do love him but I just wish we could try to resolve our problems.

So, we have agreed to go to relate to try to help solve things. Are my expectations too high to think it might help to salvage something? We both love each other but it just isn't working and we are going downwards on a nasty spiral quickly.

I don't know if anyone has any similar stories or advice to give me. I don't talk about this in real life, just put a happy face on, so I think I just need to get some perspective from someone else.

Thanks for trawling through if you have made it this far.

Well it might do. It's worth a try. Sex once a year? Why is that?

relate should help you both decide whether you can save your marriage or not. and may help you decide how to do this. either way - it should help you both move forward. you cant continue as you are

No, you are right, we can't keep going as we are. It is miserable at times and it really shouldn't be.

My labido just vanished after I had my son. I'm not sure why. I started taking Prozac part way through my pregnancy (I lost my Dad and had a m/c earlier in the year and I think it was fall out from that) and I only stopped taking it this year. I think that can have an effect. My DH is the type of man who won't force or pressurise me into sex and basically I think he just gave up on it. I don't seem to be able to instigate it and he won't if he thinks I don't want it so we ended up with no sex at all. He denies that this is an issue but I can't help feeling that if we got that back, he might feel more loved.

I'm just really scared that I'm going to pin my hopes on some counselling and it will backfire on us.

Well, as you describe the problem, counselling sounds like a good idea. I doubt it will backfire unless you have a spectacularly incompetent counsellor (and as sensible human beings, I expect you would realise and ditch him/her for a better one before long). If you basically have a good relationship but have fallen into this no-sex habit so deeply that neither of you quite dare to break it, a safe space with someone drawing you out to express your worries could be exactly what the relationship doctor ordered. Basically your DH doesn't sound like a bad man although he is beginning to behave rather badly, perhaps through frustration. If you can break through this, with a skilled referee, that would be excellent, not least for your DS. Children flourish best in a secure atmosphere where their parents love each other as well as the child.

If, however, you discover that there isn't a future for you as a couple, it won't be the counselling that broke it - as you say in your OP, you are going downwards on a nasty spiral. Counselling can help you at least end things amicably, knowing you did your best.

So sorry to hear of your bereavement and m/c. Although I dare say you needed the Prozac, it probably did kill off your libido, and habit did the rest.

I wonder about Relate. Personally, I reckon counselling would be a good idea but ... you know, I think it would be worth putting out a call for a recommendation for a top-notch counsellor.

Like the other poster, I think the infrequency of sex seems to be a thing you need to go into. It might be the Prozac - but even if it was a result of that, the absence of sexual intimacy will have impacted on your relationship.

Being boring alert: Sex is one of the languages of a relationship (as a rule of thumb), a really important language of intimacy. That is why its diminishing in a relationship can be an indication that one (or both) partners are unhappy about something else in the relationship. Also, because it's a language of intimacy, when it goes, other areas of intimacy and communication come under pressure. Just like if you sprain your ankle you can end up with a stabbing pain in your shoulder.

In an ideal world, you'd find a great, great counsellor and explore if it was the prozac, or something else, and then move on to whether (and if yes) how you can restore sex/intimacy/comfort in your relationship.

But I have heard that Relate counsellors can be a mixed bag, so I would definitely suggest trying to get the name of someone.

I think part of Relates job (from what I've been told) is helping you sort issues even if it's likely you will split.That way you are in a more amicable place if that should happen.
Not sure what the waiting list is like for Relate in your area, think it can sometimes be a long wait so maybe worth thinking about the private counsellor route?

Think it depends. If you have something to save it can help but if you have really deep issues it can just sort of magnify them
Good luck

Agree with what Animula says about intimacy. Very true. Although disagree about Relate. That's just my experience but they have been fantastic. They are trained in couples counselling which is very different to counselling one-to-one so if you do go private make sure you find a trained couples counsellor.

I really appreciate your thoughts. I'm really terrified of going to see someone and laying everything bare but we are at rockbottom so have no-where else to turn.

I can see that a lack of sex is definitely not helping so perhaps if they can help us get that moving again it might help everything else fall into place.

I think I just need some hope that we can turn it around.

Text from DH this morning to say he isn't giving up on us so at least I know we both want to make it work if we can.

If you both want to make it work it can. DOn't be scared of going to see someone, I know it's nerve-wracking but after the first session all the nerves disappear. I went with my DH about a specific incident but it was the best thing that ever happened to us, and it improved our relationship in so many other ways. We've only been together three years and we went for 2 months, but I imagine if things have been building over a long period of time, you may need to see your counsellor for longer. The most important thing it taught us was communication- sounds stupid but I never realised just how important it is- we've stopped going to the counsellor now but still have a time once a week where we go out and talk through everything, and are just so much more open with each other in general. Can't believe how much it helps! Good luck, I really hope it helps you too.