So is this what you mean by a toxic family?

[Lorenz]

All my family ever do is bitch about each other, backstab, suspect and take the piss. It's mainly my grandma, mum and aunties but a typical example is one will go into one of my cousin's houses and be nice as pie and then they'll come out and tell everyone:

"you should have seen the state of her house, absolute disgrace, stuff everywhere, lazy sod she is, it's disgusting etc etc"

They were moaning yesterday because my cousin called her mum crying - apparently it's pathetic - for the record my cousin was due to be getting married in a couple of weeks and a few weeks ago he husband to be walked out leaving her a single parent of two little kids!!! so she's having a cry - FFS up until a few weeks ago she was still under the impression she was soon to be someone's wife - now she's a struggling single parent with a wedding dress still hanging in her bedroom and they're moaning because she has a bit of a cry over it???

They're constantly slagging everyone off - it's so draining. When I got into uni it started going around that I was exagurating about the qualifications I had/was heading for and someone actually said to me "how did YOU get into uni??"

When a friend of mine was killed in a car crash with her 7 year old daughter the first response wasn't "how sad" it was "well I can't understand what she was doing on that road anyway - " as if there was some conspiracy and the woman was obviously up to no good!

A family friend has cancer - they insinuate that he's making it out to be worse than it is because he'd be dead by now after having cancer for so long. Oh and he's not allowed to moan about it either or it's "annoying".

Another family member had a brain tumour. Apparently he exagurated his symptoms for attention he died soon after yet they still insist some of it was attention seeking.

My son is being bullied - I've recently found out that during a good bitching session it was said that I should just accept the fact that DS is a little shit and is obviously the one causing the trouble even though the fucking school have admitted he is being bullied.

And my other son is "irritating" and a "snob" apparently. This is because he has confidence and isn't shy of blowing his own trumpet. But then he is only 12 - what 12 year old ISN'T over confident??

I just find them all so draining and hard work. Is this what is known as a toxic family??

Yes, it is. I had counselling to help deal with mine. How do you get on with them as individuals? Do you have a good relationship with your DM?

Well it's one of those situations were they're lovely to my face but behind my back they slag me off just as much as they slag everyone else off.

My mum is the one that tells me what they've said but she can be just as bad sometimes. For instance we'll have a conversation about how stupid it is that they're all slagging off my son and then when we're back with the others she'll change and say "well, you do know what DS can be like - maybe it IS him causing a bit of the trouble?" just to agree with the "pack".

I've started to distance myself tbh and then they moan that I don't bother with anyone but what's the point??

Good lord, yes. Talk about a nest of vipers. Good on you for not being a chip off that block.

Not excusing this, but after a lifetime of it:

A) It will now be such ingrained behaviour as to be automatic, and
B) I suspect for your mum and aunties it will have been a self-preserving behaviour. If everyone is having a go at someone else - your cousin, you, etc. then they (the older generation of DSis's) are being left alone.

Have you and your cousin(s) ever pulled them up on it?!?! Do you and your cousin(s) evenly openly acknowledge it's happening?!

I say fight it, but not if you are just one person - what about your dad, uncles, grandfather? What do they think?!

It sounds as though bitchery is the glue that holds together the female members of your family. If they were not bitching about each other would they actually have anything to talk about?

I agree that it's exhausting....and depressing too. I think a little distance would do no harm.

Yes, they are vv toxic and I agree with Cutting, some distance may help.

Have you thought about restricting what you tell them? Can you rely on others for support rather than them (who clearly aren't capable of being supportive)?

Am in the process of putting distance between myself and my mother and find it very liberating to keep her on a 'need-to-know' basis.