Crap friend - me that is.. long sorry

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Ok. So I have this friend, lets call her Anna. I've known her for a very long time (about 15 years) and I wouldnt say we were "best" friends who socialised together all the time. We were work collegues once, and socialised regularly, but she (and I) both had our own groups of friends. Nowadays, She lives in another town now a couple of hours away, so I rarely see her these days, and neither of us FB anymore, I've been to visit her once for a weekend and it was so much fun. We are the type of friends who go months and months without being in touch, then out of the blue she'll text and we'll go for breakfast and talk constantly for 3 hours. I am so so fond of Anna, she is a really lovely kind person.

Anyway, towards the end of last year we emailed and she told me about a new man in her life, she was SO happy and I was totally thrilled for her, she so deserved a special guy. They'd been together maybe 7 months or so, but he was an old friend (who I'd never met). Anyway, he died very suddenly :( and Anna was heartbroken. I emailed and sent her a wee card, but I didnt go to the funeral, as I had never met him. But I felt so bad for her. I thought of her lots (and still do)

So then a couple of months went by and I email/txt a couple of times and mentioned going to see her, she seemed happy about that. But then my plans all fell through. And I really let her down :( In an email she said she was too sad to come back to the town were she used to live (and where I live) and that she missed her boyfriend so much. I felt so badly for her and didnt know what to say, so didnt say anything :(. I feel awful about this. I didnt contact her for ages. I've also had a crap year, nothing on the same scale as losing a partner, but enough to make me a bit down. Thats a pathetic excuse. But she is SO far away, if she lived here, I'd go around and see her.

It was was really bothering me, that I'd been a crap friend and I knew I needed to write to her to explain stuff, so I did as best I could without being me me me. That was about a month ago and she still hasn't replied.

I don't know what to do :( I'm such a useless friend. I just want to tell her how sorry I am. I'm frightened she is either depressed or just really angry with me.
Sorry this is so long, but I need some help.

I'm assuming that she is still angry and or disappointed in you. I would leave in a little while and then write again explaining a little more that you have been a little pre-occupied and that you are very sorry if you have let her down.

She maybe justs needs a little more encouragment to get back in touch.A friend of mine lost her husband and you wouldn't believe the amount of people that just pretended nothing had happened when all she needed to do was talk about him.

Be the bigger person, try harder.

Good luck

How about making a huge effort and go and see her. phone her or whatever, and just let her know you are coming then you can talk to her face to face and make all your explanations etc

OK. well she really does live quite far away, awkward to get to etc. BUT I have tried to make a start, and I have texted her right now and asked if she'll be in to talk tonight. I really hope she is up for that and replies to say thats ok.

Thanks for the advice (not sure why I have 2 identical threads)

See my post on your other thread.

Since you are friends rather than best friends I think that you're not that crap!

I agree you should go and see her. I would make it an easy visit, iykwim? Take food, or take her out, don't give her any extra work to do.

To be honest with you, I would be hurt you didn't attend the funeral. It shouldn't matter that you never met the bf, you would be going to support a friend in deep shock and mourning. But I know you can make it up to her. Its after the funeral you need friends, when people leave you and get on with their lives. She may be delighted to see you. Good luck. You don't sound a crap friend btw.

When I lost somebody close when I was 21 my best friend totally abandoned me and I felt so angry and let down. I still do and I'm 40 now. I told her where to go in the end because you are that raw and hurt. But it would have been lovely for me if she had tried to say sorry and get in touch so do keep trying, hope she has replied to your text by now because it sounds like you could be just the friend she needs.

Thanks all for advice. I feel really shitty. I swear this wouldnt have happened if she'd lived closer.
I didnt go to the funeral because I didnt know him at all, but also I was assurred that she had lots of closer friend/family support.

I texted today and asked to let me know if she was free at 8pm tonight to chat. But not heard anything back :( I don't know what to do now. I can't just go around there as she lives 75 miles cross country and I have small children. Going to see her is a great idea but I can't do that if she wont even talk to me :(

Makes me very sad, and Im kicking myself

Sorry to be negative but I do think you should have gone to the funeral and if I were in your friend's position I would be very hurt that you didn't. You seem to really love her so I'd say hang in there and show her that you really mean your apology by just being there so that when she gets over her hurt she can contact you (if she wants to). Are you sure you have the right contact details for her?

It may be that she's not upset with you so much as with life, and if she's feeling really down she may not feel like chatting/emailing/socialising like she used to. Perhaps give her some leeway, don't assume it's all about your actions, and just keep letting her know you're there for her if she wants you.

Write her a letter, try to explain how you miss her and regret not being there. You still seem to be justifying not going to the funeral, reitterating you had never met him and that she had plenty of friends/family. Thats as may be, but you want something from her now, her friendship, when maybe she feels you didn't deem her worthy of a trip when her dp died.

I'm not having a go, I just think you need to see this more clearly for what it is, or at least, could be. She may just be busy/on another phone no, but she could be deeply hurt at your non show.

My nana(90, and a total witch) moaned last week that all her friends were dead. Said her neighbour, a good friend, died suddenly, only 64 and that she was devastated. I asked how the funeral went and she said ' Oh I didn't go, I prefer to remember her the way she was, chatting over the fence'.

No one was asking her to view the body, but going to the funeral shows respect for the family, the bereaved left behind, and it's a tribute to the dead person and their value as your friend.

Maybe not the same in your case, but I do think it could be hurting your pal more than you realise. A letter is a good place to start, she can take her time over reading and digesting it, it doesn't put her on the spot. And everyone loves getting a letter

I agree with everything above. When my OH died, I had work colleagues (which was unexpected) turn up to his funeral. My circle of closest friends were nowhere to be seen. This still rankles with me. I've not had much contact with them for the past few years and when when I did take one to task, it was all about her and her excuses as to why she didn't call etc.

Don't bother with asking what time to call, just keep calling her until she picks up..... I know things are difficult with young children, but not impossible.....

Lemonylemon I'm so sorry you lost your partner. Dreadful that your close friends let you down.

I agree with lemonylemon - just keep calling. Better to be there for her now (when her OH's death will still be raw for her), than never at all. Explain that you know you've been crap and that you're sorry, and that you're ready to listen now if she'll still find it helpful. Ask her how she's doing now - it can be refreshing to have people talk about death long after it's happened so that you acknowledge it can still be painful.

Stop texting and pick up the phone.