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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Could I have some opinions please? Need to make a decision

11 replies

agentofevolution · 09/06/2011 00:19

I would love some opinions from posters on here as at the moment I'm livid with my DP and would like to know if I am being unreasonable (he says I am) or if the following situation is indictive of an insurmountable issue.

Background - together 4 years, we have DD (from my previous relationship, she is 5) and a DS together (who is 2). Both work full time.

Last night DD fell and burst her lip open and her tooth was wobbling and bleeding. I tried to call DP who was staying at his mums with DS (he stays there every Tuesday night as DS has a playgroup near DP's mum's and DP's mum takes DS as it doesn't work around our shifts so to make it easier for her DP stays there with DS on Tuesdays so DS can be already there in the morning). he took around 30 mins to answer my calls and texts.
When he called backand I told him DD had split her lip and her tooth falling out, didn't know if should take her to out of hours GP service, he just said "Oh hope she's OK"
Bearing in mind HE is the one with the car at his mum's 5 mins drive away and DS was asleep and DP's mum also in the house for DS. I got annoyed at him for not responding properly and still he refused to come saying he is "tired" and "you can deal with the situation" and that DS had woken up with nappy rash and was crying so he was needed there.

In the end she didn't need medical attention and is fine today but to me it feels as if something has switched inside me and I can't see the equal family we'd agreed on. If it was DS (his biologically) hurt, he would have been straight there, but because DD is not his biologically he wasn't particularly bothered. He even said "this phone is going to cut out of battery soon" but didn't bother to call me from his mum's landline.

Usually he does not treat them any differently but I always 'sense' something and I worry that she does too )-:

I confronted him on the phone today as to why he never offered to help or call back and he sent a text "DS is my number 1, 2, 3 and 4 priority, that's how it has to be. he was crying and needed me at that time. I hope she is OK"

I was LIVID at that message, especially the first part. Don't even want to speak to him or look at him at the moment.

He claims I am over-reacting but I'm not sure - fair enough it was pretty minor but at the time all I had said was she burst her lip and her tooth was almost knocked out. He was not aware it had calmed down and OK until this afternoon.

So mumsnetters, if you have got this far, is he right about me over-reacting ? or are my feelings that we will never work out because of his disregard for DD accurate?

OP posts:

beautifulswan · 09/06/2011 00:26

I'm really sorry about how you must be feeling about this. I can really relate to this. The fact is it's happened, you can't change that or what he said afterwards (how hurtful) now you have to decide if you can accept years of this (may not always be apparant but this certainly wont be the last issue) or if you're not happy with your lot.

mumoy · 09/06/2011 00:30

Are all men w#nkers at the moment???? - mine is playing up, long story- maybe another time!
I got pretty livid reading your post and seriously I think I would tell him to F right off!
When you are really calm you need to talk this through, if his feelings are the same then you need to consider your future or you may find you have a two-tier family. I really hope he is just being a bit stubborn because he knows he is in the wrong. Good luck!!!!

Original poster

agentofevolution · 09/06/2011 00:40

I feel he knows he handled it wrong but is now trying to "brazen it out" and sort of ignore it and hope it goes away. But it won't for me. There was another incident 2 years ago where DD's nursery called saying she needed picked up as she was sick. I was on other side of city and DP was on his day off in the house 5 mins from nursery. Yet still he moaned and moaned and asked why I couldn't do it . I'm guessing he can't help how he feels about DD but just wants to brush over it but I can't as it hurts and I don't want her affected by it .He is nice to her, cuddles her etc but when the going gets tough he is not there in the same way he would be for DS, and he is rude and defensive about it. I don't know if I can have a future like that.

OP posts:

Original poster

agentofevolution · 09/06/2011 00:45

Almost like when you are friendly and fun with a friend's child but you don't want much to do with the reality and the icky or hard stuff. That is what it's like - he will do it for his own flesh and blood but not DD.

It's disappointing and hurtful even more so because we discussed at length the implications of having a child and how it would affect DD. It was decided by both of us that they would both be treated exactly the same by him and that's the only way it could work. He brought this up and was totally for it, but the reality is different.

OP posts:

pickgo · 09/06/2011 00:50

I think I'd have to treat his underlying attitude seriously and if he doesn't see it as a problem and change then I'd have to consider long-term implications.
Ultimately your DD will sense she comes second to her brother and that will have a big negative impact on her long-term (and your DS) IMO.

mumoy · 09/06/2011 01:02

I am calmer now!!!!!!! Listen try not to feel bad, I give him another couple of years and when the novelty factor wears off DS he will be the same with both of them. My DH moans and is useless when it comes to our DD (part of the reason I am so mad ) since she started school, he wasn't like that when she was small. I now have to do everything!!!!
It is always going to be natural for him favour DS not just because it's his biological child but also because he is younger and maybe, just maybe because he is a boy (I call it mini-me syndrome). Both children are yours, so you love them unconditionally, but because there is a difference between them you are always going to be sensitive and sometimes see slights where none are intended although that said what he did was 'bang out of order'. Keep working at it, he sounds like a decent bloke on the whole.

differentnameforthis · 09/06/2011 03:22

If his mum is only 5 mins away, can't ds be driven around there in the morning?

I think he behaved very selfishly & I don't know that I could live with that. What would have happened had dd really needed him?

To moan about having to collect her from nursery is harsh too...how is he with her when he thinks you aren't paying attention?

DS is my number 1, 2, 3 and 4 priority, that's how it has to be. he was crying and needed me at that time. I hope she is OK

To me, he is basically saying that neither you nor your daughter are priorities in his life, and never will be. And that you have to gets used to that, as it isn't goping to change.

Can you live with that? I couldn't. Sorry.

TheFrogs · 09/06/2011 04:20

I may get flamed for this but I dont think your DP is being unreasonable.

Two parents, two children. Your partner was caring for the youngest who was with him at the time, who he admitted was crying and needed him. Your dd had a split lip and wobbly tooth which at age 5 isn't really out of the ordinary (says she who has two accident prone kids). I'm sure it was painfull and distressing for your dd (poor little thing!) but it's not an emergency as such. I wouldn't necessarily assume that it's anything to do with the fact that dd isn't biologically his.

But, I say this as a mum who had a ds spending lots of time in hospital with asthma when he was young so a split lip wasn't really a big deal to me. (and yes, they've both had them ).

You comfort one child with a split lip, dp comforts one much younger child with nappy rash, you both were already in charge of said children.

Agree, his text seemed a bit off but maybe that's something that should be discussed....

saffronwblue · 09/06/2011 04:57

It is not unreasonable to divide the parental resources so that each child is with a parent meeting their needs. However I do think his text is off - sounds to me as if he saying that his biological child will always get priority over your DD. That is a very unhealthy streak to run through a family. When you have all calmed down I would ask him what he meant by that text and if he will always put DS's needs ahead of DD.

PenguinArmy · 09/06/2011 05:14

I guess a proper discussion needs to take place to ascertain whether there is really a big difference in how he feels about them. That text would have left me fuming as someone else said he is ruling you as well as your DD out there.

Saying that, I know plenty of male parents who clearly favour their son over their daughter so it doesn't just happen with step families

midwife99 · 09/06/2011 06:06

Men are miserable when they get woken at night hence the unfriendly response but I'm sorry I agree with the above. He was dealing with DS so felt that you should deal with DD. I have 3 DCs from a previous marriage, my partner has a DD from his & we have one DD together. The fact is I don't love his DD as my own & he doesn't love my DC as his own. We look after each other's kids the same etc but that deep inner bond isn't the same with step children. What could he have done in the middle of the night anyway? He just didn't handle it well but it would be a shame to let this drive a wedge between you.

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