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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't know what to do

10 replies

justnumb · 08/06/2011 20:57

Actually, I don't know if there is anyhing I can do. I think our marriage is over.

Things have been rocky ever since DD was born, and it's just got to the point where I think we've both just given up.

H has just said that his 'head is gone'. He's been in the pub, but I think he means it. I'm just numb. I certainly can't live the way I have been living.

We are supposed to be relocating at the end of the month. Have sold the flat, he has a new job, we've found a new house out there. We are supposed to have more money so that I'm not stuck at home with DD all day long, taking her to the swings alone and sitting at home while he's out with people from work. Life is supposed to get better. But honestly, I don't know if I love him any more, and I'm not sure that he loves me.

Can someone help me?

OP posts:

pickgo · 08/06/2011 21:02

Were you planning to move far? Would it be out of the question to give it bit longer?

Is getting a way to family/friend for a week a possibility?

Babies, no money and moving sound like a really stressful mix. Could this be a temporary rocky patch that you try to get over?

Alambil · 08/06/2011 21:08

do you have a children's centre near so that you can get to meet other mums and babies? look into it in the new area too

Littlepic · 08/06/2011 21:09

Can I ask how old DD is? I agree with pickgo that you have a lot of stressful things going on at the moment.

Perhaps you need to do a lot more talking with DH. I hate to hear about relationships falling apart when a small child is in the mix.

Original poster

justnumb · 08/06/2011 21:23

Thanks for your replies.

DD is 17 months.

We're moving out of London to a small town in a different county. It's all sorted now and we can't put it off.

He's going on a stag do this weekend (again) so we'll have some space, but we're supposed to be going to stay with friends next week, then moving two days after we get back.

It has been really stressful, lots of money worries, I had PND and attempted suicide. I have been feeling as though I'm getting depressed again recently and we argue a lot about the amount that he goes out. It's not all the time but averages about once a week.

He's drunk now and just spent a long time shouting at me on the phone. He says he's done and doesn't give a fuck about anything anymore. I don't think he'll be coming home any time soon and I'm quite glad because he's wound himself up and is spoiling for a fight. I'm completely exhausted.

OP posts:

Original poster

justnumb · 08/06/2011 21:31

I'm really sorry, I know that there are people on this board with much worse problems than mine. DH is not abusive and hasn't had an affair. He's just drunk and this has been going on for so long now that I think tonight has been the straw that broke the camel's back.

It's just been so long since I have had a real social life that there's not really anyone I can talk to about this.

OP posts:

JetLi · 08/06/2011 21:36

Phew - plenty of stuff going on for you both in the last couple of years - big life-changing stuff.
Moving abroad is a Big Change - is it tipping you both over the edge maybe?

Littlepic · 08/06/2011 21:38

I'm sending you a great big hug justnumb it sounds like you need one!!!

Are you getting help/ have you had help for your PND? Can you get support from family?

It sounds like a very tricky situation and I hope you can sort things out. I think you need support as an individual and as a couple. xxxxxxxx

iseeyou · 08/06/2011 21:55

Having a baby changes everything, thats my experience. times can get rough but you got to ride through it and pull together. discuss your goal - where youre going with your lives/ family. work out how you can help each other get there

magicmelons · 09/06/2011 10:33

Had to reply as a couple of years ago i could have wrote your post. We had our first dd when i was 24 and dh then dp was 22. He didn't settle easily into family life or rather he thought he was living family life whilst really he was just carrying on his young single life. Your part about the swings makes me feel so sad for you as i remember exactly what it was like. My dh was that he was trying really hard to be a good dad and was great with dd. We had lots of screaming arguments and i felt like i was always nagging him to be fair to him in hind sight i had PND as well which must of been really hard for him. I felt totally trapped, my parents were just waiting for it to fail but we plugged away we made time to go out together i did threaten to leave a couple of times which terrified him. In the end i can't say when it changed but it did, partly having us time and partly me getting better but it did get better, much better. We are very happy now and having baby no 3 and he is a really good dad.

My tips would be, you need to demand time for yourself, if he can't sacrifice his time then you need something like posh gym membership where you can put your child in creche and have some Me time even if it's just sitting in the steam room or having coffee your own mental health will be improved.

You need to find a toddler group, brave it and make friends even if they're not your type of people they are vital for support.

You need to tell him that things are so bad that it looks like your relationship is over unless things change, tell him you are prepared to work at it if he is.

Get a babysitter get dressed buy yourself something nice, get your hair done so as you feel confident and amazing not just like someones mum and then go out. Don't talk about babies/problems etc just have fun ( get drunk ).

And i'm sure you have done but talk to a health professional about your PND, its not going to get any better in the countryside.

If your relationship is truly over and you have done the above things you will hopefully be leaving it in a better place than you are now, more confident, more supported. Counselling may be a good option too.

Chuckles78 · 09/06/2011 11:42

Could not agree more with magicmelons - in fact i think I need to take some of that advice myself :)
I had crippling PND with DD1 and it had a devestating impact on us all. DH was not supportive and at times made it all worse. He was incredibly selfish and ignorant to what I was going through. However, things changed when I went back to work. Just speaking to someone else made a huge difference to my wellbeing. As I started to feel less isolated things definitley eased up at home. DD2 is 8 m/o and I do again feel isolated and ignored but I keep telling myself that this will pass. DH has been brilliant this time round - encouraging me to go to the gym to get a break and just generally being more supportive. Some days though I do wish I could leave him alone with DDs all day and take his cars keys so he can't leave and see how he would cope lol.

Noone ever tells you how having a child can have such a massive impact on a relationship - it really changes you.

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