Help: Terrified of financial situation if I split from husband - any advice?

[CrouchyMummy]

I have been married for 8 years and my marriage has been becoming more and more strained over the past year and a half.

Despite couples counselling, and basically trying everything to make it work, I really feel that we are coming to the end of the road together. It all feels incredibly scary as we've two young children and having been brought up in a single parent household, nothing scares me more then having to do what my mum did when we were young (struggling without any money, no outside support and lots and lots of stress). Whenever I think about it my mind just goes to the worst case scenario of loosing our home, having to move my children from school, friends etc.

I've done a bit of research about how much my husband would have to support us if we split. I presume I would be the primary carer of the kids as my husband works away lots, so I do most of the childcare now, but I really need to know how we would decide an amount for maintenance? The stuff I've read says to try and sort it out amongst yourselves if possible, but how does that work? I've been a stay-at-home mum since my oldest was born (DD now 5, DS is 4) and my earning power is really not very much at all. I'm currently nearly completely reliant on my husbands salary, although once my youngest starts school I'll be able to work more.

This all feels so scary and not something that I ever thought would be happening. I'd really appreciate it if any of you have any thoughts of what I should do and what to expect. I'm really at my wits end with worry.

Thanks in advance.

Try a visit to the CAB who can advise re benefits and maintenance. You have to book an appointment.

Sorry you're in this position but it's a lot more scary to contemplate than do and you sound like you've decided you'll all be much happier in a different living arrangement so try to stay focused on making a happy cosy home for you and your DCs.

Good luck.

Hi, i can only give you practical advice from my own experience, if you go onto income support you will get around £69.00 per week, you will get rent and council tax paid for, and you will get child tax credits of around £53.00 per week for one child obviously you would get more for two children, through the CSA they would deduct around 15% of your partners wages, when your youngest reaches six you will not be entitled to income support i think them you have to sighn on to job seekers, but if you manage to work over 16 hours like i do you get working tax credits, finacially you will manage your definately better off if you work if your husband has a low wage, you can phone your local income support or google the CSA, and benefits calculator they will both give you an estimate. i know from my own experience even though i was maybe a little skint at times i was still happier after leaving an unhappy relationship.

Thank you both for taking time to reply. I think you're right, the CAB would be a good place to start for some impartial advice - thanks pickgo.

I agree iikeshoes, being happy has to be the motivation and I'm sure, in the end, will benefit the children even if in the short-term things are hard. I just wish I wasn't quite so scared about the whole thing.

It just all feels really grown-up and I don't feel quite ready for that yet! I'd better get real though as I don't think I can bury my head in the sand any longer.

I am in a similar situation, have been a sahm for 9 years, h left us last week, check out www.turn2us.org.uk to calculate what benefits you are entitled to and also www.csa.gov.uk to estimate what child support you should expect.

Go on the CSA website and do their calculator test - put info in as if you are single with the kids, and he has left. You will need to know how much his net monthly income is to do this. As you are the main carer, and possibly gave up a job to bring up the kids - you may be entitled to spousal maintenance as well.

Get on google - look at local solicitors in your area, pick one who specialises in family law and gives a free hour/half hour session, book an appointment and take it from there.

Hi, I split with H a month ago have a three year old and am four months pregnant. It was a very scary decision, but I am already feeling happier now that I am not in such a miserable relationship, you cant really put a price on that

I dont live in the UK at the moment, so financially speaking all the rules are different for me, but we are also "sorting it out ourselves" rather than going the legal route. I have had a lot of help from a therapist and a lawyer and have had the following pointed out to me:

• I should make it clear to H that the money I am asking for is for DS not for me

• DS's expenses should be itemised and estimated - that would be: food, rent, electricity, water, nursery school fees, clothes, doctors, dentists, school trips etc

• DS's lifestyle ideally shouldnt change or suffer, so any clubs/activities etc that he is enrolled in should be considered as his "costs" too. (he shouldnt have to give anything up)

I totally agree with the others that you should seek advice from professional sources as soon as you can. I was really scared to, but just knowing what you are entitled to and what you need to try to negotiate for really helps a lot. good luck xxx

Itstooearly, by that calculation I would get 100 per week, my mortgage is 2k per month.
I don't understand benefits at all
Op, I think it's quite scary too, are you worried about your dh's attitude, do you think he would try to get out of paying you?

Well, it looks like it has happened. Last night 'd'h came home and cooly said he'll be looking for somewhere to rent so I guess it's all now become a reality sooner than I hoped.

I did that calculation on the CSA site too and it estimated that I'd get a fraction of our monthly costs. In the past he's said that we'd have to sell our house straight away as we currently live right to the end of our means, implying that he's quite prepared to uproot the children from their friends/school etc.

I just feel so unbelievably sad that we've come to this and wish I'd been so much more cynical about our relationship from the start - perhaps I wouldn't have become so reliant on him and his earnings. Bloody nightmare really.

All those who are going through the same thing, thanks for posting. I don't know anyone in this situation and it's great to hear how you are all doing. I know that it'll be better on the other side. It's just getting there safely that's the problem.

Sending
big hugs to you all. xx

Morning Crouchy.

Firstly let me tell you it's not an easy road you are about to tread but it's also not impossible. 9 years ago I reached the end of the same road with my ex. The only difference was that as a man I naturally expected that she'd be the main carer and that I would be the weekend dad. It was a bloody big shock to find that actually she didn't want the kids full time so it was me who had to step up. Now that was a shock I can tell you!

Anyway, the key thing is to try if you can to remain civil with your ex. This will pay dividends in the long run both in terms of sorting out practical matters such as finances and also will be best for the kids to see their parents are not gouging each others eyes out. Trust me, you will soon feel like you wouldn't spit on him if he was on fire!

You also need to be realistic. It's natural to want to keep things the same as possible for your kids. But money does not grow on trees and now your husband's money is the only pot which must be split two ways. He does need to live somewhere and somewhere must be suitable for him to have the kids. So he has less money to give you, even if he were so inclined.

You need to get yourself sorted out in terms of tax credits & benefits so you know what financial position you are in. If your H has enjoyed a good salary then the next couple of years is likely to be a shock to all of you.

But don't lose hope. Life is full of ups & downs. My eldest is now 14 and my son 10. Both are incredibly well balanced and whilst I won't say the split hasn't affected them, they are hardly suffering.

Being a single parent isn't actually hard as long as you are realistic. Where I see people go wrong time and time again is trying to either provide their kids with a lifestyle they cannot afford or haven't managed to move on from the bitterness of their split. Obviously that takes time but it's something you do need to do. But that's a step in the future. Right now you need to cry a bit, get the support of your friends and sort your finances out.

Separating feels so overwhelming - I remember that it just felt impossible but you can get there. Niceguy has given good advice, there will be 2 homes to provide for and that means both households will be smaller. Children are very adaptable, they cope with change, I had to move our dcs several times and they are completely fine. You will need to determine what the finances are - do you have equity in the house? What are the martial assets, i.e pensions, savings, What does your ex earn? Can you get a job?

It really is very do'able but I appreciate it's very overwhelming having to think it through.

Think you need to try to upskill and get ready to return to the workplace, one salary keeping two homes is not usually doable and benefits are a safety net but not going to be a viable long term solution. However both your children will be in full time school soon and you are likely to be eligible for help with childcare costs so that should help.

Good post niceguy2 - some good advice.

Hope you're okay Crouchy - must have been a shock then that it it came to a head so quickly?

I'd imagine you are a bit all over the place today but I think you've got 2 jobs now - first keep doing the basics, feed the DCs, clean, wash, bed on time etc. Second, get finances sorted, solicitor, CSA, Tax credits, bank accounts.

Apart from those don't do anything for a good few days, no decisions and just try to be as kind to yourself as you can while you take it all in.

Don't regret your previous trust, after all if you had started off cynical you'd never have married or had DCs in the first place.

Try not to worry - bottom line - you'll be okay, really you will.
Keep posting x

Unfortunately you more than likely would have to sell, but thats a blessing as you could use any equity to rent a place local to where you live now so as not to have to move your children from their schools.

Your rent would be paid via housing benefit, but you would have to find the first months rent in advance and a months deposit.

Any debts in joint names will need to be sorted between you both, any debts in your name irrespective of what for will have to be paid for by yourself, and he will have to pay debts in his own name too.