Ok, where do I start?? sorry its a long one!
I've been with my husband for 10 years, we met at school (but were in completely separate groups, and didn't become friends until we left school), then got together when I was 16, he was 17, so very young. I had previously had a serious(ish) bf, but I guess I was his first proper relationship and first love. We have been married for 2 years, and have a 4 month old baby.
On the whole, our relationship was good, he loved me so much, and was so caring, gentle, just perfect in every way! About 5 years ago, we had an episode, where he told me he wasn't happy, and split up with me. We didn't have any contact for over a month, despite me calling and texting him. Eventually, we got back together (he realised he was unhappy without me), and I guess due to our youth, never really worked through the issues, and were just both so happy to be back together (I know I was!). About 2 months later, I found out that he had been getting texts from a girl he worked with (sent before and while we were split up), and I found out from mutual friends that he had kissed her. I wasn't bothered about him kissing her, I just was very angry that he didn't tell me. Anyway, I confronted him about it, and he denied it for a while, then eventually came clean. After that, he worked very hard to regain my trust. Although I always had in the back of my mind, 'if he could keep that from me, how do I know I can trust him?', so I had big trust issues as a result. Couple this with my fairly low self-esteem and confidence (that to be honest, even I know is unjust), and we had the beginnings of massive trust issues, but I guess we put that to one side, and didn't realise it was a big deal.
Fast forward to last year when I was pregnant with our son. Your hormones wreak havoc on your life, and obviously the huge belly, stretchmarks etc made me feel crap about my body. Also, our sexlife took a real nosedive, as I just wasnt in the mood. I always tried to 'look after him', but he said he felt guilty me not getting any, and him getting some. I never minded though. There was also an incident (sorry for tmi now), I was about 5 months preg, and we were 'busy'. I was on top, and he asked me to turn around (basically so he didn't have to see the bump). That really hurt me, and affected my confidence. I should also mention that on 3 occasions I found him looking at porn. Now I know men do this, and if he wasn't getting any, I didn't blame him at all, but it really upset me that he to realise that he wasn't seeing me in this way anyway. it made me feel even worse about my body. So anyway, I started questioning why he was getting back late from work, and getting jealous when he was out because i would convince myself that he was going elsewhere for sex (even know i knew he would never do that to me). I always spoke to him about my feelings (I never think its a good idea to bottle things up), and I told him that I knew how stupid it was, but I couldn't stop myself feeling like it. We had a few arguments, but he always put if down to the pregnancy, and moved on.
So I had the baby, and all was good, although a blur, as the first month tends to be. Then after about 4 weeks, I was on the laptop, and had to go into my history to find an old webpage. I found that he had been on google translate and had translated the phrase "this guys a pussy and a heartbreaker" from Spanish. Then he translated "I may be a heartbreaker, but I am no pussy" into Spanish. I didn't really know what to make of this, whether it was a big deal or what, but knowing what had happened before, I had a bad feeling about it. So I asked him, and he said some girl from work sent him a message on facebook in Spanish, so he was translating it. Then when I asked why he replied to it in Spanish, he said he was just mucking around. I accepted that, but thought it was still odd behavious...Anyway, we we had a fight because he got pissed off that I didn't trust him, and that it was still totally inocent (im still not really convinced).
Looking back now, I notice that he became a bit more distant after that. There is one day that I remember. He took the day off work due to a bad back, and I thought, 'great, someone to help with the baby, and we get to spend some quality time together'...but he spent the whole day in the loft room reprogramming his iphone because there was something wrong with it. But you would think that he would spend the day with his son and wife???!
Another thing I remember, one night, he was playing his guitar. He tended only to do that when he had things on his mind, so I said to him, "is everything ok, do you want to talk about something?" to which he replied "nope, everything is fine, there's nothing wrong". Then I asked if he still loved us, and he told me that this was a stupid question and of course he did. I thought nothing more of it (I was so tired anyway!), and left it as that.
Then, a few weeks later, when the baby was 6 weeks old, I kissed hubby goodnight, and smelt a perfume smell on him. I had smelt this perfume on him a lot during the pregnancy. I always asked him about it, but he said he didnt know where it was from and that I am just being paranoid. So I always put it down to the handwash at work or something like that and pushed it to the back of my mind. Well this time was a weekend, so I got a bit suss. Then I was wracking my brain trying to work out what it was, then I suddenly realised it was his face moisteriser. So I went upstairs to smell it, and sure enough, thats what the smell was. Hubby came upstairs (knowing that something was wrong) and asked me what was up. Anyway, I told him and we had a massive row with him saying that I don't trust him and I will never trust him, and he can't take much more of this, rah rah rah. So that night he slept on the sofa. The next morning I was breastfeeding our son, and he kissed the baby goodbye, but didn't say a thing to me. Got home from work, packed his bags, and said that he was staying at his dads because he needed time to think. That was about 2 and a half months ago, and he hasn't been back since. I am staying with my mum and dad.
Since he left, he has been dianosed with depression and been given anti-D's (but not taken them...). He has been really really angry with me everytime I see him (he still sees bubba 2/3 times a week). I said that we could do counselling, or that I could go on my own to fix things, and he started off saying maybe, then he said outright that he didn't want to do that as he didn't see the point. Now he is saying that he doesn't love me, and although he doesn't WANT a divoce, he doesn't see any other option. I am going to counselling for my issues, because I completely know I have been out of order, and I have aknowledged that and apologised countless times. But he doesn't even want to try and work things out, not even for the baby's sake?! Speaking to his dad and his dad's partner, he told them he was 90/95% sure that he had made up his mind to leave us for good but that he didn't want to make a mistake, hence he is not 100% sure.
I really don't know what to do. The thought of being a single parent scares me to bits. I love him so dearly, and I don't want my son to grow up without his dad. The thought of someone else raising him freaks me out, and I don't know how I will ever trust another man with my son. My counsellor asked me why I love him the other day, and I was really stumped and couldn't give him a straight answer, so I am wondering if (hoping!) I am falling out of love with him. I just don't know anymore. I wonder if after 10 years, things are just habit? I do still get butterflies everytime I see him though. I know he is being really imature about the whole situation, and I do think that the sheer responsibility of the baby has freaked him out. Also, I earn quite a bit more than he does, and he is in a job that he hates (but is too lazy to leave...) whereas I have a good career, so I think he felt a bit demasculinized by that. He seems also to be having a bit of a midlife crisis, in that he has got himself a bankloan to buy a new sportscar that has a massive engine and costs a bomb to insure and run. We were never in a financial positon to buy a new car, or pay repayments on a loan, massive insurance etc. Bear in mind that I am still only on maternity pay of £500 oer month. Also he got himself some new shampoo for hair growth (he has been balding for some years). He is 27...
I don't even know why I have posted on here. There's not really any advice anyone can give me. I guess I was hoping that someone would tell me straight that he is clearly being an idiot and that I really need to walk away now, without looking back. I know deep down that I should, but I just don't want to! I just want to hear it from someone neutral, that has no ties to either of us!!
Thanks,
M