Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Proposals

12 replies

LatherRinseRepeatAsNeeded · 08/06/2011 16:48

DP and I are both divorced and when we first got together 10 years ago, we both said that marriage was not on either of our radars, and we had a very casual relationship, after a few years we decided that we wanted to be with each other long term and moved in together.

Like all relationships we've had our ups and downs at the begining but things have been great especially since DD arrived 18 months ago.

It's been a bit of a running joke, that if I ever wanted to get married that I'd have to be the one to pop the question, because although he wouldn't say no, I think both of us still felt that the no marriage at the begining of the relationship was still valid.

We were chatting this week, and he let slip that he had thought about proposing earlier this year, but due to not being able to find my grandmothers ring, he hadn't at the time, and now he felt "All this stuff" had come up since. Now I had also been planning to pop the question myself at the olympics next year, but we didn't get any tickets, so when he told me this I mentioned my plans.

The problem is we basically just dropped the conversation at that point, and I'm not sure what to do now. Do I try and find out what all this stuff that he refered to is? Do I stick to my plans and see if he does anything in the interim?

I love him so much, and we're talking about TTC a second child later this year, so I don't think anything major has changed in our relationship. But if we're both thinking about marriage should we talk about it, because I know as soon as either set of parents mentions it, we'll both go off the idea, as we're both stubborn and want to do things in our own time, not to please anyone else.

OP posts:
LatherRinseRepeatAsNeeded · 08/06/2011 16:48

Sorry - That turned out longer than I expected

OP posts:
QuintessentialOldMoo · 08/06/2011 16:52

Yes you should talk about it. Especially as you are ttc another child.
You are not teenagers, but adults with responsibilities, to eachother and offspring, so do bring it up.

At least, you need to make proper wills so you get that legal dilemma sorted.

LatherRinseRepeatAsNeeded · 08/06/2011 17:00

We've done the wills, and everything else, he's DD's registered primary carer as he stays at home while I go to work.

Everything goes to him, with a few specific bits going to DD (like my grans engagement ring - as I feel it is hers even if DP were to remarry)

We're very stable and are also about to buy a house together which will be in both names.

So we've done the responsible bits to make sure that if anything were to happen to either of us, the other and DD would be looked after.

we both felt we didn't need the bit of paper that a marriage provided, but I think we both would like the commitment/trust/security it shows.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 08/06/2011 17:03

Lol, sounds like you basically just proposed to each other.

LatherRinseRepeatAsNeeded · 08/06/2011 17:04

@madonna - I think you may actually be right, maybe i should just start wearing the ring and tell him to get the bike he wanted and call it a day at that.
:)

OP posts:
buzzsore · 08/06/2011 17:06

What Madonnawhore said Grin. Just set a date.

SingOut · 08/06/2011 17:11

Well, correct me if I'm wrong but what it sounds like is that you were both sounding each other out gently without losing face (re: your earlier agreement about no marriage) and you are now in the enviable position that if either of you were to propose, you are fairly sure the other would say yes, and would welcome marriage. That's quite a nice position to be in, as it sounds like you're on the same page. :)
Admittedly you're not communicating about it much, which is possibly a different issue. Is your communication good in other areas? The issue with proposing to someone is that sometimes, it's a bit of a secret/surprise, so that foggys up whether you are trying to (each) keep any proposing a bit exciting and unexpected, or whether there is a problem in the way you communicate or even with the question of marriage in general.

Is there anything you want to say to him or ask him that is going unspoken? What did he mean by 'the stuff', do you have any idea? Is he using the topic of marriage ('I was going to propose, but...') as a springboard for talking about issues in your relationship, for example if things haven't been great between you lately? If so, perhaps you'd be better off talking about any issues that are preventing marriage than about marriage itself.
You both sound quite sweet and lovely Grin

LatherRinseRepeatAsNeeded · 08/06/2011 17:40

@ SingOut - there's nothing that I can think of that may be going unsaid, we're very open with each other, and I know I have no secrets from him.

The stuff he mentions - I really have no idea what he is on about, all I can think is that I really want to change jobs so am waiting on a formal offer, and my mum has just been diagnosed with liver cancer, so maybe he feels it's the wrong time with regards to that.

I think as you've said I need to find out what is going on, and maybe throw the whole secrecy aspect of a typical engagment out the window, it's not like we've done anything else in the normal manner. :)

I do love him to bits

And I do feel slightly bad for posting what is effectively a minor problem by comparison to the people who have real issues with horrible partners, so thank you to everyone who takes the time to read and respond

OP posts:
LatherRinseRepeatAsNeeded · 09/06/2011 09:18

I just wanted to update you all and say a massive thank you.

DP and I had a chat about his last night, I was really nervous and worried that something had come up to change his mind.

Turns out that he had thought about doing it a few months ago when we had our first night out without DD, but couldn't find where I kept my ring, and he didn't want to do it without it, even though it would need to be sent away to be resized, he then couldn't find a way to ask where it was without raising my suspicions. Not long after that, my mom was diagnosed with cancer, so he just felt it wasn't the right time.

So we're all back on track, we're not sure when exactly we're going to do it properly, I'm hoping to book a week off in the next month and try and do something then.

But I just wanted to say thank you again to those of you who took the time to respond and offer advice. I probably would have driven myself nuts and was too scared to ask in case it was bad news.

OP posts:
JackieBauer · 09/06/2011 11:21

Just read this thread and it has made me smile, it's a lovely story. I'm sorry about your mum though, this might cheer her up.

Congratulations, I wish you all the best x

mustdash · 09/06/2011 11:24

Congratulations, that is just lovely.

LatherRinseRepeatAsNeeded · 09/06/2011 16:49

Thanks JackieBauer and MustDash - I have been grinning like a loon all day today Grin

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page