What should I do?

[knotalot]

I've never wanted kids, enjoyed my life as it is. Never even wanted to go out with someone who had kids (although I have on a few occasions). However, there was always this one person that I've always had a soft spot for since I first met him... Issue, he has 5 kids. I'd always said that I thought so much of him that his kids wouldn't be an issue. He was my exception to the rule, so to speak.
So... after quite a few years, we got together (not sure why now, just something felt different that night we met for a drink). Been together nearly a year now, engaged and moving in soon, all going amazing. Met the kids and they're great. He's an amazing dad, adores his kids and will do anything for them. Which I find great, as I have friends who's ex partners are crap!
So, now the dilemma. I see how he is with his kids, how much he loves them and I can't help feel that I'm never gonna feel that. Like I said, I've never wanted any kids but he makes me feel different. I can't say that I'd ever meet anyone else that I'd want kids with. He doesn't want anymore kids and had a vasectomy a few years ago. So, do I leave him and take a chance that I'll meet someone else whom I want kids with or accept the fact that I'll never have any of my own with him. All I keep thinking of is this amazing relationship I will have thrown away if we do split up and I never meet anyone else I'd want kids with. I love him so much and understand why he doesn't want/can't have any more but I can't help this feeling I have. I just don't know what to do.

why don't you just spend more time with him and his children? perhaps helping with his children on the weekends will make you feel like you've experienced being a parent to some degree?

I do spend most of the weekend with them all and it will be all of the wknd soon as I have nearly finished my degree. Sometimes it makes it worse as I know I'll never have any with him and then other times I'm fine with it (depending what mood I'm in).
I don't know if this is something I can get over in time or whether I'm gonna regret it.

Talk to him about it

I have. We've talked about it briefly before and had a big talk about it on Sunday, where he said that he can't have anymore and doesn't want anymore. He said if things were different then he would but 5 is more than enough for anyone and I understand that. I've kinda left him in limbo. Said that I still don't know what to do and need time to think about it properly, rather than making a hasty decision overnight. He understands to where I'm coming from and has said that he's flattered that he's the only person I've ever even considered having kids with but it doesn't change his mind. He understands that I've got to make this decision for me and so we haven't really spoke about it since, apart from on monday when I said I needed more time.

Having your own kids is one of life's greatest pleasures in my opinion, so its a big sacrifice you are making. How old are you, as that can have a bearing on the likelihood of finding another person to have kids with.

See, I've never thought of it like that before, its always been a case of you pretty much loose your life when you have them and I love my life, being able to do pretty much what I want, when I want.
I'm not sure if its because it was my decision previously and now that the decision has been taken out of my hands its different. I'm 33.

I'd kind of given up on the idea of having children but had first at 36, 2nd at 40 - and I'd never have guessed how fulfilling it is. Like you I loved my independance but I was deeply lonely, in a strange way - as a bit of a feminist I couldn't admit that I wanted a man, children, family life but the love I have experienced with my children means that I feel I've gained more than ever I've lost. Nothing is forever you could give it a go and see (moving in I mean) and give yourself say 6 months or a year and then maybe you'll know? You might find that you grow to love the children as if they were your own and perhaps it will become less of an issue or if it becomes more of an issue then you'll know....I feel for you, it must feel like a big decision but does it have to be a one time only decision?

anothermum92... Yeah, thats how I first thought of it. Get the kids but none of the painful child birth! Plus we get some time when they stay at their mums. I think it's because I can see what he's like with his children and feel like I'm missing out on that because of us not having any. I'm not sure if his vasectomy can be reversed due to the type he had (section removed). I asked him if it was a case of can't or won't have any more and he said both.

shouldbeelswhere... I've always loved my independence but always wanted to have a loving relationship, just not the children. I like your idea of seeing how I feel in a year or so and taking it from there. He's just got to understand that I'm going to get emotional sometimes. He wants us to all go and have a family portrait done (thats what started this all off, as all I can see is him with his children and me feeling like an outsider, if you know what I mean). I like the idea but I'm semi dreading the day as I don't know if I will be able to keep it together.

If you marry this man you will not be able to do what you want when you want so in for a penny.....

Tell him how you feel re the portrait. It sounds like he's trying to include you and maybe he doesn't realise it just makes you feel even more on the outside.