Ex is punishing me financially for not giving contact with children

[OhWesternWind]

Hi everyone! I just want a bit of a moan please as I think people in rl are getting a bit fed up of me. (I'm sure you are too)

Since dp left me and the children in January we have generally been getting on fine and feel happy and settled in our life without him. Not one of us misses him at all. He does not have access to the children on my solicitor's advice due to his emotional and physical abuse of them when he lived with us and shortly after he moved out when he did have contact with them.

However, things are being hugely complicated by him "punishing" me (to use his mum's words) for not letting him see the children. He has managed to land me with £500 a month extra bills by duckign out of his agreement to contribute to childcare and has also stopped paying on the mortgage we have on a buy to let property. I have had to pick up this bill so my credit score isn't trashed, and he is just relying on me to do this. He is being taken to court by the childminder for breaking his contract with her but that doesn't help this situation.

I have seen a solicitor about this, and she drafted me a letter.

However, and now this gets a bit complicated, the day I got the solicitor's letter, I got turned down for an increased mortgage I'd applied for to buy out ex from the property we live in. This is because of the low valuation on the property by the mortgage surveyor, which was a bit of a shock, and the loan to value amount. So now I cannot afford to buy him out at the price we had agreed on. I know he is now going to be a complete arse about taking a reduced sum and I just don't have the heart in me to take him on at the moment. I e-mailed the solicitor about this on 27 May, and called her four or five times during half term week but still haven't got to speak to her or get a response, so I am really stuck in limbo here and don't know what to do.

Ex is not reasonable. He has promised to pay me money in front of his sister and the police and has basically lied. He will stand there and lie to your face about things. He is telling his mum and sister that he has paid me the money and I am making up lies against him but I'm not. I can't deal with this bloke any more.

I am also worried about the low valuation. This is considerably lower than some estate agent valuations I've had but it worries me in case I can't sell my property for more than this if other people can't get a mortgage above this amount

I am back in a right old state, feeling sick and ill all the time with the worry. I have had to take money out of my savings this month just to live and support the children and have had to start cutting down on their activities which is upsetting them. I have already cut everything else back to the bone and am a pretty thrifty person anyway, don't go out, don't buy clothes, shoes etc. I am desperate here and just don't know what to do. Without this man's fun and games I can manage and provide for the children financially but I can't just afford to stump up an extra £500 a month every month.

I want to move house back to my family but until I get this sorted out I can't even put it on the market.

And on top of this there is the continual threat of him taking me to court to get access to the children. This worries me sick. I know for a fact that dd would NOT see him even if there was a court order and then I can get into a lot of trouble, but I can absolutely see why she never wants to see her abuser again.

Oh God what a bloody bloody mess.

csa??

First of all, have you checked the valuation report? Sometimes mistakes are made and if the number of bedrooms, bathrooms etc is incorrect, this can affect the price. Easy to check the houseprice via www.nethouseprices.com/

Conduct all communication with him in writing from now on. Let him take you to court over access, you can always provide access in a controlled environment (that he will have to pay for so let's see what his thoughts are then) I bet he is all bluf, most bullies are.

Financially go and check what you're legally entitled via www.entitledto.co.uk to regarding tax credits and benefits.

Looks like you will have to go legal on this one. Many sympathies.

However, I do not believe that you can deny him access entirely. Everyone has a right to access, even where abuse has occurred (access takes place in a controlled environment). Maybe you should start exploring possibilities with him.

When you agreed a level of financial support, was there also an agreement to access?

If he has stopped paying the mortgage on the BTL, who receives the income?

Can you confirm the valuation of your place e.g. by looking at sale prices for similar properties locally?

It doesn't surprise me that he's behaving like this, he's just continuing his abuse in any way he can. I don't agree with Amateurish about exploring child contact possibilities with him, leave it to the solicitors and let it go through court. CAFCASS should make a thorough assessment of the risk and recommend suitably safe arrangements, eg at a contact centre or indirect contact by way of letters. You can't negotiate with an abusive man and could put yourself at risk by trying to.

As for the financial side of things, the sooner you can be financially independent of this man the better. I know you have a right to receive child support but you may have to accept that it's never likely to happen on a regular basis. If he's employed you should go through the CSA as they can make an attachment of earnings order to ensure you get paid. If he's self employed he'd probably be able to fiddle his books enough to be assessed as having to pay very little. Can't you get most of your childcare refunded to you by Tax Credits? That would make you less dependent on him.

Thanks everyone for this.

I have looked at challenging the valuation and will have to find some comparable properties locally which have gone recently for a higher price. So I will be on t'Internet trying to sort this out. Thanks for the nethouseprices link! Problem is, my house is a "character property" from the 1840s, very quirky, great big garden, and there's not all that much similar nearby, not like you would get on an estate where it would be easy to do. Still I will give it my best shot and see where that gets me.

He is taking the income from the BTL property although he says there are no tenants in at the moment. Probably untrue! I don't even have keys to the BTL.

I've not linked the financial support to access. He did have access after he left but then there were further physical and emotional incidents with our daughter so I stopped contact on my solicitor's advice. As I understand it, he doesn't have a right to access, the children have a right to see their father, which is a different thing altogether. They are 100% adamant that they do not want to see him although I ask them a couple of times a month if they feel like seeing him. I know if it goes to court they may be pushed into seeing him but honestly I doubt if dd will see him whatever as she has such deep and strong feelings against him, much more than I do, because of what he has done to her in the past. Other child is younger and didn't get the brunt of it like dd did.

Dutch, I think (hope) it might all be bluff too. I would be surprised if he shells out to go to court as he is very tight, and also he could put his job at risk if it comes out that he has been abusive to children. We shall see!

There won't be any recourse about him paying for the childcare as that was extra to his maintenance payments so I guess I just have to take that one on the chin.

You're right, neurotic, I do just want to be shot of him and be independent from him in every way possible. I have contacted the Tax Credits people about the childcare costs but haven't heard back from them yet, but am hoping that they will be able to help in some way.

I got hold of the solicitor finally today and she's going to draft another letter basically offering him the BTL and I keep our house. Not sure that he will go for it but hey it's worth a try.

I hate all this nonsense. I am finding it so incredibly stressful and it's difficult keeping it all together emotionally but I'm trying so the children don't know how badly it's affecting me. They do know there are money problems though as we've stopped doing things we used to do and have had to cut back/down on trips out, activities etc. I just wanted to be able to keep their lives stable and now I feel I am letting them down by taking away some of the things they really enjoy doing.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply, it does mean a lot.