I know we should separate but then what???

[lexp72]

I'm 35 and I've been with my partner for 5 years and lived with him for 2. I have never felt right about the relationship for many reasons. He is basically a decent guy but not for me in anyway. I know you are thinking why have you stayed with him??? Well, I've realised that I've been with him for security, I got pregnant nearly 3 years ago and now have a 2 year old daughter and that made it even harder to leave.

I have always been honest with him about how I feel but he never listens to what I'm saying. (probably because I've haven't left him yet!!)
It's got to the point though that everything about him annoys me, I know I have to leave but I don't know how to get back on track.

I moved out of the area to study for a degree and I'm still here, I still don't feel at home here and want to move back to where I was brought up. I'm looking for a job at the moment but don't have any income at present. My parner works full time. I've been a SAHM since my daughter was born and have lost all my confidence, I can't even imagine being able to do my job if I was lucky enough to get one!

I don't know where I would live and I don't want my daughter to live in poverty. I was brought up in a nice house in a nice area and want the same for my daughter but see a lifetime of mouldy dingy flats ahead of me. Together we could buy a house, on my own I can't buy anything. I also want to be able to take her on holiday within a family, for her to have siblings etc

Deep down I know we both need to separate but I'm scared of all the consequences. Anyone been in a similar situation and can offer any advice?

Have you got a relative you could move in with on a temporary basis.

The situation is not going to get better the longer you procrastinate. Has your Partner any idea that you intend to leave?

I've told my partner loads of times I want to leave, he says "ok, that's fine" and never mentions it again. I have nowhere to stay, that's the problem

Can you get together the deposit for a rent? I think you need to be squirreling away money, looking for rentals in the area you want to move back to, and looking for a spot of work. You could start volunteering somewhere to build your confidence up a bit and give you recent experience for your cv. Your partner would be expected to pay towards his child's upkeep as well.

Take it in small chunks and start making steps in the direction you want to go.

I've been lookings at rentals but the price is depressing! Cheapest 700 pcm for small 2 bed place. The thing is he is fine for me to leave but says it's my problem because he is happy to stay together for the sake of our daughter, I really don't agree tho as we are both unhappy!

Don't think of it as a choice of future, dingy flats vs house & family life 'though.

Because in your current situation, you won't get the rosy family life with this man, because you're starting to actively dislike him.

If you get on your feet in the area you want to be, as a single parent, you can have a good future and possibly in time meet someone else to have that lovely family life with. By sticking in this relationship, you're prevented from meeting someone else and reducing your opportunities. Staying's not actually the safest option, imo.

You can make another future for yourself, but I'm not kidding you on that it'll be easy. It won't be dingy flats 'though, cos you could paint the walls and put up lights. You could get a job and find yourself in a position to get a better place or buy eventually.

The longer you leave it, spinning your wheels in an unhappy relationship, the harder it'll be to start over.

Very well said Buzzsore, you have really made sense! It's just so hard to make the break, it makes it harder that I have lied to my parents telling them we are great together. My Dad has given me some money for a house deposit to buy a place together. Even with his help I can't buy somewhere on my own or am I entitled to any housing benefit. I NEED to find a job but don't know how long this will take. Should I leave before or after this happens? I have enough money for a months rent

I know it's not easy, but I think you should confess to your parents you're not happy, and haven't been for a long while, and that you were papering over the cracks when you said you were great together. If they were willing to help you with a house deposit, they'll be willing to help you find somewhere/go guarantor on a rental place for you and your child, surely?

If you found a place, you'd probably be entitled to housing benefit and council tax relief, etc. Try the 'entitled to' website.

You can work on getting a job in your new area now (& when you're settled) through online job sites. Just keep trying even if you get knock-backs, it can be very disheartening.

you dont have enough to live on if you just have enough for one month so how are you going to survive? i would suggest you need 12 mths if you were to leave with a child in tow. once you go into housing benefit with a child you will find it difficult to get off it unless you are can demand a high salary in the market place and also pay to have your child looked after during your working hours. sorry but thats the reality. if you want to leave this man why dont you first suggest a trial separation. can you go stay with your parents for a while. and see how you feel them/ how he feels. you have a child so you must be absolautely certain. as you are a SAHM you may just be depressed/ down in general/ fed up even? sorry dont mean to be patronising here i am sure you know how you feel etc etc but seriously have you considered that? everything about him is irritating you, it will if you are fed up in general and he is out all day. again dont wish this post to upset just thinking around what youve posted. did you ever have a spark with him?