Honestly, I don't understand myself, I just need to write this down.
I got involved with someone three years ago. I shouldn't have, I was blatantly more into him than he was, I know I was just a source of attention, company and sex. It fizzled out, he met someone, I made myself get on with my life, though he was always in the back of my mind, despite knowing that we weren't good for one another.
Last year, he came back on the scene. I rebuffed his attempts to contact me, but bumped into him, and I was totally weak and things kicked off again. It only lasted a few weeks (thank god for my bank balance) before he had enough, again.
Over the last ten months, there has been no contact - I have always left him alone during these periods of non contact. I have of course thought about him a lot and missed him. Last week, I was due to be going to a barbecue at a friend's house. I got an email from him the day before asking if I was going there, I assume because he was bringing his on/off girlfriend and wanted to check the coast was clear. I replied saying that I was going and his response came back 'cool, see you there'. The friend who was hosting telephoned me as I was on my way over to let me know that he was attending and doing so single. When I got there, he made it clear that he was interested, I told him that I was not. I reminded him of all the things he's ever said to me, the reasons why he doesn't want to be with me etc. and he denied all of that but I didn't believe him and told him so. Despite all of this, the night wore on and we went home together. I'd obviously missed him in that way, so it was lovely, although there were a few alarm bells. Firstly, I heard him talking to a friend about when his ex had an abortion, and he said she did it behind his back and that it wasn't what he wanted. I was friends with him at that time and know that when she told him she was pregnant, he went ape and that he wanted her to have a termination, so he seems to rewrite history. Second, when I was with him, he was pointing out things like my stretchmarks (I'm a size 8, but I didn't used to be), so I know something isn't right.
Last week, we went for a drink and he knocked it on the head (again - I have had this conversation about 6 times now). He said that it wasn't right as he didn't see a future for us as while he finds me attractive, he doesn't fancy me and that he wishes we could be actual friends as he likes spending time with me. I told him that wasn't possible. It obviously didn't feel nice, but I understood - I needed him to be the one to finish it as I can't say no. Left it as we'll just see each other around. I felt shit, but okay with it. Had a very busy weekend with my friends which was what I needed. Got a text from him on Saturday asking what I was up to, I was out with my friends and once it became clear I wasn't being enticed to the pub, things went quiet (doesn't like it when I don't do what he says). I was a bit confused because I thought we'd finished things. It's one thing for him to click his fingers and me to be there when we are seeing each other, but if we're not, then there's no point. Last night, I went to the pub with a friend, and I didn't know he was going to be there (it's not one that was ever one of 'ours'), but he was really angry with me and asked me to leave. I finished my drink and left. I'm not quite sure what I've done to make him hate me like he does (though he does seem to hate that he can't have mutual friends to himself, I find that weird). He was the one that ended things, I have no issue with leaving him to it, I know I was just an easy lay for him but that's not a big deal for me - I make myself available to him and when he's feeling shit, he seems to seek me out.
No need to reply, I'm just not sure why I went back for more and why he hates me so much.
I'm hoping this is the final nail in the coffin anyway, I can't deal with being spoken to like that and can't see a way forward.
Phew feel better for typing that. As you were.