Lost friendship

[babartheelephant]

I am feeling sad. Today I finally realised that I have really lost a friend. This is just me blahing about friendship so no need to reply.

We met when our eldest were in reception, and were just chatting in the playground sort of friends. Then when our no. 2s were in nursery together we became really close and also with another mum. Always looked after each other's kids, always spent our free time together, had same outlook on parenting, enjoyed grown-up time with our hubbies and had several holidays together camping etc. We ran the PTA together and spent hours and hours organising great things for school. But it was fun. We went to Spain together with a group of us, and we had a fantastic time.

Then it all changed when she went back to work, as a TA at school. She was too busy, which I understood, to see me. At this point I was having my own personal crisis because my no. 3 just started in nursery and I felt she was not around anymore to support me. The 3rd friend just kept telling me that I had forgotten what it feels like to be working. But I went back to work and I still had time to see my friends, so I don't buy that.

Then little things just started to really annoy and upset me, like she forgot my birthday, and she stopped replying to my texts. As I am writing this, it makes me sound like a stalker (!) but honestly, it was just that sort of friendship where we would both text each other about 10 times a day, just banal stuff etc, nothing heavy.

I was round at hers one evening and mentioned that we were going on holiday in May, and she said that they would love to join us. I hasten to add, I did not invite her. I already thought those days were over. I organised it for us all, and put deposits dwon etc. About a week before the holiday, they pulled out, said her husband had too much work etc. I was fine about it. We had a lovely time anyway.

But I just saw her and she sheepishly admitted that she had been on holiday with another family. I just felt incredibly sad. She said it was just last minute and only for a long weekend, but I know that this must be the end of what was once my closest friendship.

I am definitely guilty of trying too hard, and texting her little messages in the hope that we could reconnect. I don't want to be petty, I just don't really understand what I did wrong. Everyone in our circle says that I never really understood her properly, and that she is not the person I thought she was. And she has definitely found a new trendier gang of teachers to hang out with. Either way, I feel sad, and I just wanted to write it somewhere.

I empathise totally as something very similar happened to me recently. As in your situation my friend was acting in a totally inexcusable manner and basically using me.
The trouble is it really really hurts doesn't it? Even though your rational brain knows that you are better off without this person in your life. There is still a big part of you that misses the friendship dreadfully and wonders what you did wrong.
My lost friend had a million faults but she made me howl with laughter, more so than anyone else I know. That's probably why I overlooked her bad behaviour for so long. But if other people are telling you this person is not what you thought then you must listen to them. The old saying of no smoke without fire is usually apt in these cases. My friend has fallen out with almost every close friend she has ever had, coincidence? I think not.

The holiday thing is spooky as my friend did a similar thing to me a few years ago. They aren't the same person are they?

Allow yourself to feel sad and to miss your friend but also remind yourself of all the horrid things she has done to you whenever you wobble. Do you have other friends you can spend time with to take your mind off it?

Well if your friend wanted to go on holiday as recently as last month she sounds as if she's fine with you. Pulling out could be perfectly legit - as could the long weekend and feeling a bit sheepish about it. Can't really see the problem

thanks for that.
Yes, I'm lucky because I have a lot of lovely friends. And I became good friends with another mum last year in the nursery when my no. 3 started, so this has helped me enormously.
You are right about the no smoke without fire. I have defended her when other people said bad things about her, but I think I have been blind.
Anyway, my eyes are open now. She half-heartedly suggested we get together one night next week. I would alwyas have moved things around to be free to see her, but I think I need to stop.
I hope you got over your friend. Sounds spookily similar, doesn't it?!
x

Sorry - I didn't make that bit clear. It was early in the year (January I think) when she said she wanted to join us on holiday in May.
But you are right - it could be legit. I think I just became so paranoid.

It could be money - maybe the long weekend was affordable and the holiday not hence a bit of embarrassment - I wouldn't give up on a friendship on the basis of what you've posted

If she has asked to meet up next week then she clearly still wants to be friends. If you want to give the friendship 'one last chance' as it were then I would go for it. But NOT by moving things around in your own life to do so, just meet her at your convenience.
When you do meet I would mention you are upset about the holiday, if she is contrite then I would let it go (this time) but be very on your guard for the future. If she implies you are making a fuss over nothing then that's another kettle of fish.

I believe life is too short for harbouring grudges and falling out with people. TBH if my friend offered an olive branch to me tomorrow I would take it. It is the fact that she acted badly and then implied I was in the wrong that has made me dig my heels in. But it still hurts.

You are lucky to have lot's of other friends, concentrate on the people who make you feel good. I think a good test of a friendship is asking yourself 'How do I feel after I have seen this person?' If you go away feeling good about yourself (within reason of course, we all have off days?. Then it is a good friendship. If you leaves feeling drained, resentful etc then something is amiss.

Sorry, spelling dreadful in that post, oops!

I don't think I'll ever give up on it. THere's too much history.
There's a lot that I haven't posted, complex emotional stuff, her husband not happy about her working full time, her family used to having a full-time mum now not having much mummy time, and other sorts of weird changes to do with her behaviour. I would rather she focussed on her family than me.
In the meantime she regails me with stories of being chatted up and going out for drinks with her new found work friends.
My husband claims that there is obviously something wrong and if I am to be a good friend I should just sit back and wait for her to need me - which she will do - in due course.
THanks for all your thoughts. I feel OK. Just needed a sounding board.