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Relationships

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Original poster

What makes someone re-start an affair that had been finished for 3 years

21 replies

fruitfool · 06/06/2011 21:04

Hi dont know where to begin but 4 years ago DH had an affair with an ex-girlfriend from his teens, it last for a year and I took him back as we have 3 young DC plus we have been together for 19 years the past 3 years have been hard but we have come along way and our marriage was working so I thought....as now found out that he is seeing her again as they were spotted together by my sister, been uneasy for the last couple of months as he has come home very late a few nights. I havent confronted him yet as I am trying to get my head round why would he start seeing her again, I am trying to hold myself together but cant get my head round the fact he is doing it again with the same women why???

OP posts:

maleview70 · 06/06/2011 21:11

I know you wont want to hear this but he is doing it because he has no respect for you and because she must have some hold over him.

Getting away with it once (Which is to your credit for making it work) should have been the wake up call he needed to focus on you and the children.

Unfortunately he has decided not to do this and now you should think very hard before forgiving him again and thats if he wants to be forgiven.

AKissIsNotAContract · 06/06/2011 21:17

So sorry you are going through this. Do you think it's possible he didn't end the affair and it has carried on all this time?

CHOOGIRL · 06/06/2011 21:20

Are you sure there is something going on? What did your sister see them doing?
Why have you been torturing yourself for the last couple of months? That's no way to live is it? I think you should ask him what's going on. The answer isn't going to be any worse than you already imagine is it?

Original poster

fruitfool · 06/06/2011 21:22

maleview - he has worked hard other the past view years to get me to trust him again and to get our marriage on track so I cant understand it.....
What sort of hold would she have? why risk it all again for this women and I say women loosely........ does he love her?
do i confront him or wait?

OP posts:

Aislingorla · 06/06/2011 21:30

Please talk to your husband and ask him what is going on. ASAP, you should not be putting yourself through this. If he is cheating again the pain won't be as bad as the first time you found out and if he isn't cheating then he will have to have a very good reason for seeing her again and for not telling you.
I feel for you but you need to have answers soon.

Original poster

fruitfool · 06/06/2011 21:30

Akiss - no I dont think it has gone on all this time as I have heard through the grapevine that she is now living with someone at the time of the affair she was single...

Choo - my sister saw them in a car together they were sat waiting at a roundabout at around 9 at night he didnt roll in until 1.... I have left it the past couple of months due to trying to get my head round things as it has raked up alot of the past

OP posts:

Aislingorla · 06/06/2011 21:33

It is sounding suspicious. Why have you not confronted him yet?
Where is he now?

LadyLapsang · 06/06/2011 21:37

Perhaps some of the following reasons:

Because he loves her/ cares about her / has feelings for her / because he can / because he likes the excitement ....

Because she makes him feel young & reminds him of a different time in his life.
Are you sure the previous relationship only lasted a year?

maleview70 · 06/06/2011 21:38

I went out with someone years ago and she had a very big hold on me after we split up. Its difficult to explain. she was like a drug and breaking away was like going cold turkey. I suppose its a bit like being an alcoholic, you know you cant have a drink but you are only one bad day away from having one. I wasnt married but feelings can take hold whatever the circumstances.

An affair that lasts a year is not just about sex. Feelings must come into it. Often an affair is found out and the guilty party panics and does everything to keep the family together. This includes severing ties with the other person. This can be a very painful experience for the person that has the affair as if they may have been "in love". They will feel loss and cannot talk about this with their spouse as she (you in this case) would not want to hear it! Men are very unlikely to go to a counsellor to talk about this side of their feelings.

I doubt thats what you want to hear but it may explain his behaviour.

Original poster

fruitfool · 06/06/2011 21:39

I havent confronted him yet as over the past couple of months we have had a lot of stuff gone on in the family funerals and a christening and i didnt want there to be an atmosphere or maybe I dont want to have to face the fact that he rather sneak about seeing this other women than be with me. He always plays football on a monday

OP posts:

shineoncrazydiam0nd · 06/06/2011 21:41

Why?

Because he still fancies her and has feelings for her.

Sorry, btw.

Aislingorla · 06/06/2011 21:44

fruit, I can only advise you to talk to him tonight when he gets in from football .The truth ( if you get it) is better than you going round in circles, imagining the worse and just not knowing what is going on.
Good luck.

Original poster

fruitfool · 06/06/2011 21:53

Lady - i am pretty sure it was only a year as I can pinpoint the day when he started acting strange to the day I found out....

I have often wondered if it was more than just sex (he always said it wasnt)and he just stayed with me because of the DC

We have been together along time and I dont want to just chuck it away I want to / try to understand why he has gone back there or maybe he has never really stopped being in touch. Gosh I am a fool

Maleview - what was her hold on you was it because you loved her

OP posts:

Original poster

fruitfool · 06/06/2011 21:56

shine - no need to say sorry

I am just confused if you havent seen someone (allegedly) for 3 years would you still have feelings for them / fancy them? sorry asking random questions just needing to know things

have poured a glass of wine so that i can try and look relaxed when we I ask him, instead of getting all emotional

OP posts:

Aislingorla · 06/06/2011 21:59

Good luck, I really hope you resolve this, one way or the other.

shineoncrazydiam0nd · 06/06/2011 22:04

fruit- I think you know all that you need to.

Get shot of this twat.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 06/06/2011 22:32

Whatever he feels for her, it's strong enough to make him risk his marriage again. He is basically demonstrating that she matters to him that much.
OK, it is possible that he met her by chance and they were having a 'how are you? We must have been mad to have that affair, we will never meet again, goodbye and good luck' sort of chat, but it's not that likely.
Unless you're prepared to share him with her, I think your marriage is probably over. Sorry this is happening to you.

maleview70 · 06/06/2011 22:32

yes i would say so..Didnt want to but just couldnt stop. It took a while to get her out of my head.

Aislingorla · 07/06/2011 10:39

Good morning fruit. I hope you're OK.

SarahBumBarer · 07/06/2011 11:16

Quote: "I am just confused if you havent seen someone (allegedly) for 3 years would you still have feelings for them / fancy them?"

Hi Fruitfool - so sorry you are going through this. Categorically the answer to that question is "yes".

I suspect you are asking because you are wondering whether it means that he must have continued seeing her over the 3 years as otherwise his feelings would have died. I really don't know whether that is the case with your DH but it is not necessarily so. The advice with affairs is always (if you want to end them and save the marriage) to go No Contact (NC). This does often work but there is an issue that if contact is rekindled - even inadvertantly, you can sometimes be taken by surprise with a reminder (re-awakening?) of feelings which you have surpressed rather than properly dealt with and the feeling of a lack of closure (which IMHO is a ridiculous but nevertheless powerful notion).

You will never guess what the position is - the only way you have a chance of knowing is to talk to your DH and whatever the answer at least you can start to move forward rather than going round in circles torturing yourself.

Aislingorla · 07/06/2011 11:23

Agree Sarah, I really hope you get some answers fruit. At the moment you are in limbo.

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