Relate - is it for trying to fix it or trying to finish it?

[deburca]

Can I just ask - my understanding of relate was that it was for trying to mend a marriage (90% of the time anyway). A lady in my nightclass just informed us on our class nite out that most of the couples she deals with (she is a relate counsellor) now are actually trying to end their marriage in the most amicable way possible. Ie, they are already firmly decided on splitting. She seemed quite sad about it - as is only to be expected. Can anyone who has had experience of this enlighten me. I thought relate was basically for when 2 people were trying to mend the relationship.

Apologies if stupid question, just puzzled me the entire weekend.

I think it is for both. Either trying to fix things or to find an amicable way to split. I have had friends who found counselling brought to a head issues that meant they realised that they should split. Relate taught us some techniques to stop rows escalating etc and to help us understand why we felt a certain way about things which helped us move forward. You both have to want it to work though.

I suppose it is for both. If a couple have children, then it make sense for them to try to keep the spilt as amicable as possible for the sake of the kids.

when i went for first session with exh, the counsellor explained that he was there to help us work out our issues then help us to fix them or to acknowledge the end of the relationship. so i think it's both.... though of the several friends i know who've been to relate, me and exh are the only ones who ended up splitting up.

Yeah, I can see the logic in trying to either sort the issues out or try to split with as little pain as possible - it just shocked me a bit. I suppose the sort of person I am I would only tend to go along to counselling to try and mend it, it wouldnt occur to me to go along to end it.

It seems to work for alot of people either way. Suppose a third person reflecting your marriage back to you will help you to decide to either make or break.

thanks for educating me though.

Deb

I think a lot of people think they are going to try and save the relationship but discover through counselling that it is not what they want/what is for the best so it isn't like they go knowing it is to make a split easier.

Another friend of mine went through the charade of counselling even though she was having an affair and knew she didn't love her fiance anymore but she thought it would help him think they had tried everything before they split, so it attracts all sorts!

I know a couple who ended up using Relate to help them through separation and eventual divorce.

It was a very useful and helpful thing to do, apparently.

reddaisy, i think that's probably fairly common. i'd been telling exh i wanted a divorce for about 9 months before he finally agreed to go to relate. obviously at that point he possibly thought we were going to try to save the marriage, whereas i was more interested in getting an outside observer involved to try to make it clearer to him that it was long since over.... and it did sort of help a bit, because it enabled me to kind of force him to listen to the things that he'd been refusing to 'hear' before

It certainly seems to be an intelligent option when it comes to relationships. Some real life advice from unbiased professionals. I think I just had a rose-tinted view of it being for 2 people who were trying to work through their issues.

I know of one couple who went to a counsellor (not relate) when having marriage difficulties. The DH was asked if he had ever had an affair, responded yes a few years ago and in fact was seeing someone at that present time. The DW was quite understandably shocked - asked him if he could promise it would stop immediately and wouldnt happen again - he answered no, he loved the OW and their marriage ended there and then!.

Honestly the world is made up of all sorts of people/situations.

I wanted to go to Relate when we had communication problems in our marriage. XH (then DH, of course) wouldn't hear of it. A year or two later I went to a solicitor instead, to end things. Suddenly XH was all keen to go to counselling. Unfortunately by then it was Too Bloody Late. We walked into the counsellor's (Relate-trained but working for another organisation) and she said what were we there for, XH said to help us get back together, I said to help us split amicably, and she looked at us both helplessly. He told her that it was her duty as a charity to put couples back together. She replied slightly miffily that she was a professional counsellor, not a charity, and her job was to help couples talk to each other so they could work out between them what was the best thing to do, including, sometimes, splitting up. The whole exercise was totally doomed from that point. (Mind you as she was a stout, late middle aged woman who admitted to having been divorced herself he wasn't inclined to respect her anyway.) It was quite interesting to see him trying to bully somebody else, though. Validating, like. On one occasion he leaned forward and used his "bark" voice and she jumped like a nervous filly. He said he wasn't being aggressive, he was just speaking normally, and smiled to prove it. She replied gently, "You were being aggressive, x". Another time she shouted at the pair of us, "Stop it! You're behaving like a pair of five-year-olds!"

I liked her, but the Archangel Gabriel couldn't have got us talking properly to each other at that stage.