Seperated-now husband realises how bad he treated me and wants to change! Please advise on this as unsettled!!

[loisebony]

Hello all
Will try to keep brief and easy to read.
Seperated after difficult 2nd marriage-sold house -both live in rented 5 miles apart-13yo boy lives more with him-15yo boy lives with me-dosen't always get on with his Dad though is a 'stroppy teenager'

Took a long time for me to seperate as over the years wanted to but stayed because of children and due to '2nd marriage'

I have two grown up children too-so does he.

My family do not like H due to the way he has been over the years-unsociable-difficult for them to interact with., and the way he has treated me.

Thay are so pleased we have parted-had my parents for sunday lunch-first time in 15yrs....they wouldn't come whilst he was there.

I am happy living apart-a realisation that I've wanted to be alone for a long time-enjoy my own company-my little house I live in.

Its was horrific parting-he was very difficult...I was very ill-recovered now and back to full time work

We are 8 weeks into living apart......NOW he realises how he has treated me.......tells me for three years he suffered depression-his Dad died last year who he was close to-I helped to nurse him.

He is a jealous man.......assumes that i have been 'chatting' to other men as he feels my atitude has changed towards him......refusing to go in for coffee etc

he says he thinks about me -morning-noon-night

He says he parted because he knew we needed 'time apart'.
I earn more that him so i do support both boys.

He now does not want to lose me......he has lost weight and looks better....there were good times together of course......BUT i said to him -I could NEVER trust him......things would go back as they were if we reconciled and I woulf lose the rest of my family-they have told me they would dis-own me if I went back to him.

I know he is lonely-depended on me a lot-does not have many friends.

He does look sad and sorry for how things have been

Is it ever good to think that somehow 'things can work out' even if you decide thet you need to live apart from each other but enjoy the 'nice' side of each other??? Bizarre I know but relationshaips are so difficult and I dont think Im the 'normal' sort of person to conform to how marriage is 'supposed' to be???????

I know some people do live apart and its made there 'relationship work'

I lost respect for him...I can see he is trying very hard now

Opinions please-anyone else been is this postion????
Thanks so much x

He hasn't realised how badly he treated you, he realised which side his bread was buttered.

Colditz is right PLEASE don't go back to him. He is purely realising what HE is missing out on, and is saying what he thinks you want to hear. If you go back it will be exactly the same.

If you are unsure then don't make any decision either way. You are both now settled in new homes. Could you just stay in touch as friends and see what happens? If he is serious about changing then he will shsow that. If its as Colditz says then he won't change.

My DH moved out two months ago. He was depressed and we had lots of external issues affecting our relationship. I was devasted to start with, it was such a shock that he was prepared to do something so drastic. But now things are great. It was a second marriage for both of us and neither of us had spent a hug amount of time single. We are slowly rediscovering ourselves and rediscovering each other. For the first time in a long time life is good. It is not the 'conventional' marriage but it is a happy one.

What he is missing is not you but having his pants washed and his dinners cooked. It's his own fault you dumped him. If you take him back now he will soon start mistreating you again because he will feel that he can: all he has to do is pretend to cry a bit and promise to change, for you to carry on servicing him.

I can't see any benefit to you in taking him back: just because he's lonely & realises what's he's done (if he's sincere). What about you? You've a lot to lose and a man you can't trust and have little respect for to gain. It's not your job to be company for a man who can't or won't make friends. He's not your responsibility.

But don't take him back, still see him if you want and see if he is changing but let him run his own home.

He's saying what you want to hear so that you'll take him back. If he really wanted to change and save your marriage, he'd have done it before you split.

He's jealous, is accusing you of seeing other men, and is not letting you go.

You earn a lot more than him and have proved yourself an able nurse to vulnerable men.

Gosh, he sounds like a catch. What's in it for you?

Only take him back if you really really want to. You know what he's like. Don't assume he's going to be any different. Don't think he's going to change and don't take him back for his own good. You're not his mother, you don't have any duty to make him happy or look after him. If you want him back, fair enough, go ahead, otherwise steer well clear.

8 weeks is too soon for him or you to really know what you want. I'd give it a lot longer. You can be friends with him but keep him a football field away, really keep your distance. You are at peace now and really enjoying your life - don't jeopardise that. You sound a bit codependent tbh (sorry) so him pulling on your heart strings will really send you into a spin. Maybe use this time to look at your tendency to prop up dysfunctional men? Definitely definitely don't take him back now, it is far too soon for him to really compute what he has lost - if you took him back now he would revert in a nanosecond imo.

THANKS ALL SO MUCH for replies!

It's true I'm going to work-concentrating better now-my friends/family say how much better I sound and look....Im not surrounded by resentment and anguish..........

I wont take him back......happy in my own home...he can 'stand on his own two feet too'.

Time will tell-I dont hate him......but will keep my distance and not fall for his soft sob side....
I also have never spent time living alone-went from first marriage to second very quickly.....Im enjoying my own space
Boys are coping and happy too-i see my younger boy daily and he stays-he is happy with Dad.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Please can someone help me I have been married for 30yrs .it was a arranged marriage and he was 31 I was 19 my husband had loads of girls ringing and he would take there phone calls infront of me he showed me naked pictures of them which he had and even said to me to meet up with one of his girlfriend his excuse was she will tell you what kind of person I am .I used to get upset then he would hit me and then say it was my fault had trust issues with him I couldn't trust him if he went to work thinking he's with them I don't know if im wrong . I left him so many times he bought me back saying he will change I have 5 children with him my oldest is 27yrs old .now I have left him it's been 10 months I have been away I pit a divorce in but my oldest 2 boys say give him a chance and he even has said he realised he had been treating me bad .he wouldn't take me to weddings party's or anywhere .
He now went to the temple and he said it there he will treat me good like a queen. He even swore on my boys life he will treat me good .should I believe him

This

Please I feel so confused don't know what to think .would social worker get involved if I stop the divorce

You need to start your own thread rather than posting on a 13 year old zombie thread if you want help.
Also why would ss get involved in a divorce and adult children?

He is sorry for himself! He treated you so badly that your parents wouldn’t come over. Weigh those things up please and don’t let this cycle of abuse continue.

Zombi thread 😣