Do men just NOT care the same way we do or something?

[MilkandWine]

Sorry but I am really upset/angry this morning and just need to vent really.

Basically as a summary (and others may remember me from previous threads). My DP of 4 and a half years found thread details on our laptop about my (very secret, long term and totally unacted upon and unrequited feelings for another man) 2 weeks ago. Yes I'm a total idiot etc and the upshot is he has decided he can't stay with me under the circumstances. He still want's to stay 'friends' though.

I have been offered a job in London which doesn't start until beginning of July. I am staying in the house we share until then, I have nowhere to go basically, my parents live 20 miles away and I don't drive. Therefore staying there would be really difficult for my job and so on.

I am really really down about everything. I'm at the waking up in the morning and feeling like my life is over stage basically. My DP says he is also devastated but a cynical part of me can't help noticing it's me coming back from night out at the weekend and crying myself to sleep not him.

Anyway last night he was wandering the house like a lost puppy, really restless. Then he said 'Can I ask you a question?' I said yes and he said 'Do you ever get really sexually frustrated?'
He really, really upset me. I know men have needs and all that crap. But seriously? Our relationship is over, I feel as if my life has lost it's meaning and he is asking me if I'm feeling horny? I was so hurt I could hardly reply for fear of starting a screaming match. I just said 'The way I'm feeling at the moment, sexual frustration is the last thing on my mind'

Maybye I'm overreacting but the whole situation is bad enough without him saying things like that. If he is 'single' again then why doesn't he go out and find a girl to stick it in. He's lovely looking, I'm sure they will be lining up for him. Not that I want hin to do that really but niether do I want to be shagged and then told afterwards 'Thanks but it's still over'

Just feel so so down at the minute, can't see light at the end of the tunnel

And even more annoyingly I actually felt GUILTY that he felt sexually frustrated. Even thought about having sex with him to make him feel better, even though it would have made me feel even worse.
Don't know where my head is at the moment

You are not overreacting. That is an awful thing to say to you in the situation... he obviously doesn't understand or care for your feelings one jot and you are well rid

He's a massive prick to have said that. And it shows you just how little he thinks of you.

What a knob. Is there nowhere else you can go?

I can't quite believe he said it either. I mentioned today that it had upset me and he said 'It's just hard sleeping in the same bed as you still' (No pun intended I don't think)
I wish we had a bloody spare room, either that or I didn't have a back so knackered sleeping on the couch would cripple me for life.

Madonnawhore Sadly not, my friends all have partners or live at home with parents! No single friends with their own pads. Plus I have a cat and a very very old dog who cannot be shunted from pillar to post. I am staying at parents at weekends but during working week it just isin't practical.

Guess I will just have to suck it up (but not literally sadly, in my DPs case). It won't be for much longer. It's his terminology that upsets me as much as anything. If he dressed it up as 'I miss being close to you, kissing you etc' I wouldn't be so sad. To reduce it down to 'I am sexually frustrated' just seems so bloody cold. Go and have a wank if you've got the horn, no need to tell me about it (which is what I said to him tonight)

He thinks you're going to start having sex with him again. And from there, let inertia lull you into continuing a "relationship", this time on a really, really dodgy footing:

It won't have a status as a "real" relationship, though it will, of course, entail many of the "compromises" of a "real" relationship - your compromises, for him.

If he acts in uncommitted ways, he'll be able to turn round and say "what relationship"?

And you will be the "baddie", he the "wronged person", with you doing lots of running around to assure him of your commitment, and to "prove" you've "changed".

And then, in a few years time, you'll wake up and think "Where did all that time go?" Or even worse, you'll have become pregnant, and had a child within a relationship that is disproportionately weighted against you ever achieving any kind of happiness, comfort and stability within it.

No. Don't sleep with him. Take the London job. Don't look back. Or rather, try and think of it as a learning experience: how to avoid bad relationships. And far better to learn this sort of thing now, than when you are in a relationship, with children, and it is more difficult to extricate yourself.

So, no, your life is not over. Just a dodgy relationship you are probably better off out of.

Milk, I have to tell you I'm really glad he's decided he can't continue the relationship, because from what you've posted before this man has form for verbal abuse, possessiveness and financial selfishness.

So, no, it's not that men don't care. It's that this particular man is an utter twat.

Brilliant news on the London job, that's fantastic, well done you.

Thank you Tortoiseonthehalfshell I am trying to think positively but honestly I just wake up every morning at the moment thinking what a useless person I am.
Yes my ex has done some bad things but I am equally to blame, I wonder sometimes when I am going to manage to stop messing my life up. I'm 32, you would think I would have learned by now.

I'm not going to start sleeping with him again Animula,hand on heart, been there and done that with an ex in the past. I know just what a dodgy, heartbreak ridden path it leads you down.....