FIL self-medicating with alcohol - how to handle this (if at all?)

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Quick background - my FIL has severe backpain from time to time which seems crippling. When he gets a bout of it, he turns nasty and morose (not judging, just stating). He has had various medical interventions which have failed, and recently a major surgical op which also looks like it might have failed.

My problem is that he has lots of prescribed medication including morphine. A cocktail of drugs which MIL keeps in her handbag (sometimes leaves it lying around, but that's a whole other thread). She also gives in to his requests for strong liquor to take with his medication.

He downs glass after glass of strong booze. So far this has only been in the evenings once DC are in bed but I suspect it'll creep earlier and earlier if indeed the last intervention does prove to be unsuccessful.

His family have a history of alcoholism (although the worst cases aren't blood relatives).

I am worried about this on many accounts. Should I say something, or is it none of my business?

So you live with your inlaws? Are the dc you refer to your dc?

No, I don't live with them but when we see them, it's for a week or so at a time. I have three DCs under the age of 5.

My concerns are clearly for them, but also for his general health. I don't have a particularly good relationship with MIL (not acrimonious, just 'difficult'), and I suspect that if I said something to her, she would either agree with me but not have the backbone to stand up to her DH, or she would be offended.

Medication lying around is a risk to your small children and you need to ask MIL to stop this when you are there

I'm not sure if his drinking is any of your business, unless it's affecting your Dcs, in which case you need to tell your MIL why you won't be going back. I know you are concerned but I isn't think there is anything you can do

What does your dh think about it?

The medication lying around is a huge issue and I harp on at them unashamedly when we're with them. I have my eye totally on the ball with that one.

I've spoke to DH tentatively about his dad's drinking. He's concerned but is an annoying bury-your-head-in-the-sand-and-not-talk-about-feelings type person, especially with such emotive issues.

Like you say, I'm not sure there's much I can do although it breaks me to see somebody on (IMO) the slippery slope of abusing alcohol. If it starts creeping into the daytime, then I certainly will keep my DCs from seeing it. :(

I've spoke spoken

Perhaps your fils gp would refer him to a specialist pain clinic? It's looks like the surgery hasn't works to they need to look at other options to help him manage his pain. It must be terrible for them both

I know in the few times of my life that I've been in severe pain I have been impossible and had not a thought for anyone else. I cant imagine what it would Be like to live with this 24/7

I know - it's really, really tough for him (and MIL), and I wish I could do something to help.

Your story is a case in point that alcoholism is a family disease and does not just affect the alcoholic. I would avoid visiting these people for a week at a time; if you visit them make the visit shorter or stay in a hotel near their home.

I would be talking to Al-anon as they are helpful re family members of problem drinkers. Your DH needs to face up properly to the fact that his dad could be well on the way to alcoholism and talking to Al-anon would be helpful to him. Burying his head will not help your H. Not really surprised unfortunately to see that FILs family has alcoholism in it; this can be learnt behaviour also.

Seems also like your MIL has become her H's enabler (as often happens in these situations), enabling only gives her a false sense of control and is certainly not helping her H.

Thank you attila, your post has made me cry but only because it's what I've been so worried about on all points.

It's OK to ask them to be careful with the medication for DC's sake but FFS keep your beak out about how much he drinks. If a person is in constant pain and alcohol helps, then it is not reasonable or kind or fair to go flapping in with AA leaflets. If he's on this many drugs and in this much pain he's probably not got much longer to live, why increase his misery? It's not up to you. You are not his owner.

That's why I'm asking for advice springchicken - I know I'm not his keeper. However, I don't think his situation is life threatening - but if he does end up dependent on alcohol, beyond the impact it has on his own health, what does that do to MIL's quality of life (and. less immediately, my DH and our DCs)?

I would much rather MIL woke up to the possibility now and did something about getting more medication sorted if possible - or try alternative therapies even.

Find him a good hash dealer instead.

I mention Al-anon because ultimately you can only help your own self.

If their situation is making you uncomfortable (understandable really) then I would curtail visiting completely.

These people have made their own choices; he to self medicate with alcohol (always a bad idea when mixed with medication as it can change its effectiveness) and she to enable him in this behaviour. She is probably frightened of him as well and does not know how else to act or what else to do.

I think she is frightened (or perhaps 'wary' is a better word) of him. DH says he had quite a temper when they were kids and everyone had to walk on shells a bit. He is (understandably) completely self-involved when he has a bout, and gets more verbal and verbose the more alcohol he has.

Do I pre-empt any problems with our staying, or do I go as per normal (summer hols coming up and it would break MIL's heart if we didn't go), but if I see it's a problem when we're there (difficult to know over the 'phone), and move us out or warn that we would if things don't change?

God I sound pathetic. Just genuinely don't know how to handle this one.

"DH says he had quite a temper when they were kids and everyone had to walk on shells a bit".

Walking on shells to me is perhaps another way of saying "living in fear". Your FIL sounds like a right nasty piece of work and your MIL has continued to enable him throughout her marriage.

I would not stay in their home particularly if strong medication is left lying about. Visit their part of the world by all means but do not stay with them within their home. What does your H say with regards to any future visits to his parents?.

He's not nasty - or not that I've seen in the past 15 years or so.

As I say, so far he hasn't drunk during the day with these bouts, but is miserable and grumpy, so not much fun to be around (understandable).

They can (and will (!)) keep the medication out of reach - my DS will likely be crawling next time we're there, so that's totally non-negotiable with me.

FIL may well have mellowed a little due to age but that still does not make him a very nice person to be around. Your children will think that their grandad is a miserable old so and so. He is not managing his ill health at all well; infact by self medicating with alcohol he is just causing himself more health problems. He also sounds very selfish.

I would ask your H to speak to his mother about the medication; if it continues to be left lying around I would not visit them within their home again.

Bit of a tangent, but this thread reminded me of a conversation I had a few months ago with a pharmacist, might be a bit iffy on the exact details but you'll get my drift. Chronic alcohol abuse changes the enzymes produced by the liver, and these enzymes affect how morphine is metabolised, e.g. an alcoholic could be on high doses of morphine and it still not really touch their pain. But a liver which has not had this long-term abuse can, with alcohol, produce enzymes that will enhance the pain-killing effect of the morphine.

It is possible that past use of alcohol has eased his pain, but continued use has reduced the effectiveness of his medication. It might be worth mentioning this to them.

I think that's the problem whereyouleftit - DIL clearly isn't an alcoholic, and finds the alcohol helps the pain go away (along with the morphine). I wonder when it starts to have negative effectson the morphine itself ?

FIL not DIL

Please encore your FIl to get referred to a specialist in pain management. Im assuming he has only seen an orthopaedic surgeon so far?

Think so - believe me I've tried to get him to see more specialists, but will talk to them about a pain management specialist now too. Thank you

Update - have spoken to DH about this a couple of times without much success - both times he's basically told me he's not concerned about the alcohol, and even said "brandy's better than morphine"

Just skyped with them and FIL was slurry because of the self-medication (but luckily the DCs were none the wiser because so many people were talking at once it was difficult to hear anybody).

DH won't talk about it (or doesn't think it's an issue). Back to square one. Think I'll wind my neck in and just observe for the time being. :(