Do you tell your OH about previous shags?

[thepast]

I am referring to people you still see socially etc

Good question! I have a previous shag who I still see socially. Nothing will ever, ever happen between us again but it feels dishonest not to fully disclose it to my BF.

Will be interested to see what others say.

Yes, and regretted it. I have one previous who, if I ever mention, him DH asks very pointedly "is that the one who's cock you sucked?"

All the same though, if you're thinking about someone in particular and you're likely to see a lot of them, it might be better to hear from you than for him to hear it from a 3rd party or the other person themself. Is there a particular situation you're concerned about?

Was your husband a virgin before you met him, Needle? His response is disgusting and completely unfair.

Its vulgar to talk about past partners.

So's apostrophe abuse.

atswimtolenghts God no! He's just got badly concealed double standards when it comes to men and womens sexuality. Fortunately his good qualities amply outnumber the bad!

Needle, your H needs to get over it. Jealousy is massively unattractive. What a shitty thing to try and guilt you with mind games every time you mention your friend.

Knob.

He doesn't mean it to be spiteful- I think in his head he thinks it's quite funny because I had a fling with the guy and it is terribly uncharacteristic for me. Aaaanyway, not my thread, I just mean my post as a cautionary tale, rather than a total thread hijack.

I am in the same boat as needle he is very jealous of my ex's but its really his only fault and so he is worth it without doubt. Other than that he is a gem. As for me I have lots to make up for I came clean as we live in a village with one pub and my ex is the village big head.

Yes, but I don't expect them to be mentioned (ie gone on about)

What do you mean you have lots to make up for, gettingthere?

I had sex with a shitload of people before dh, but so had he. If he socialises with people I've shagged, he knows about it. And vice versa.

We chose each other.

We have previously told each other about various people, all fine, no issues and no further discussion
I just prefer to avoid 3rd party disclosure

Anyway OH is due to meet some mates for food/drinks plus some new people he's not met before. One of whom I shagged once back in the mists of time.
If I was going I wouldn't expect anything to be said but it'll be all blokes together

Do I mention it or just ignore it?

DH is still very good friends with a lot of his exes, and we see them socially quite frequently. I have absolutely no issue with them at all, and if anything find it rather amusing that they think I might have an issue - we're in our 30s, not the sixth form! I'm still in touch with one of my exes and DH is completely comfortable with him, so I really think it's only an issue if you make it one. I don't recall either of us "confessing" that we'd slept with the people we were meeting, it was just something that came up in conversation over time - ie we'd tell an anecdote involving X or Y who we used to date.

You know your DP better than anyone on here and you know how he might react to a 3rd party disclosure. If you think he'd be hurt, tell him (though in a round about way rather than "I slept with Z"). If he sees the past as the past and doesn't give a fig, I'd suggest not saying anything.

We've discussed exes, but then we've both been married before. If my husband made a comment like Needle's I would tell him I'm not discussing any more personal stuff with him if that's his attitude.
I would think it odd to not know the sexual history of a long term partner. I don't want a blow by blow account but would think it odd if a bloke didn't tell me who his main girlfriends had been, why they split up etc. That's just part of chatting to each other about your past.

All the ones before we've got together, yes. I presume that DP has also confessed all. If there have been later indiscretions I don't want to know about them, thanks. None of our histories are a problem, but I do get remarks about riding Harleys whenever a loud motorbike goes past - that's ex's surname.

This really made me think. I think I told my exH about some of my past sexual encounters, but I never told him about the 2 men that I really loved - one of whom he knew quite well and before he knew me. In fact it was that lover that introduced me to my exH. The feelings that I had for these 2 men were very special to me and none of his business. I never loved my exH like I loved these 2 men.

There was a reason I didn't end up with either of these men - wrong place, wrong time in life. I am still friends with both men and what we had for that brief moment in time is between us and nobody else. They are both happily married and their wives know we have a special emotional bond, but are in no way threatened by me, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I am lucky that they are both in my life and our friendship has gone on.

Your second paragraph is sweet, mumof4. I've dated several women who had nothing but disdain for their exes, and while each case is different I've wondered how much they ever really valued them. You obviously did, and still do.

No, absolutely not. I don't ask him for details of his previous shagees. None of my business and frankly I know I would feel uneasy if I knew he'd boinked any of our friends before we met. Actually I do know he did with one and quite honestly, while I know nothing will ever happen with them again, I still feel quite icky about it. And I wouldn't want him to feel that way about any of my exes. Especially when they weren't strictly speaking boyfriends at the time

i don't have a clue about dh's previous gfs, other than that i know of 2 of them who have come up in conversation. and i certainly don't know any details about who he's had sex with. i have 2 good friends who were boyfriends 20 years ago when we were teenagers, and yes dh knows that and isn't desperately comfortable with it (even though we're all now friends as families with kids and only ever see each other en famille) which i can understand. but we've never sat down and talked about details - for instances i wouldn't have a clue how many women he's slept with, and nor do i want to know.

DP and I mis-spent our youths in the same small-town pub - I've known him since I was 16 (41 now). We know and are friends with most of each others' ex's and it's never been a problem. I have had rather a lot more of them than he has. He knows this too and is fine with it. He says it makes it all the more meaningful when I tell him he's the best because I've checked out so much more of the competition

We went to a wedding party once in my DW home town and she said as we got there that she had snogged two of the ushers in her younger days and slept with someone who might turn up later! Why she chose to tell me I will never know as I would never have guessed...She was mortified but I dont have an issue with anything like that and found it funny. She was single on and off for 5 years so I would expect some history!

As for mine, she was only midly annoyed about one and that was with a fellow colleague before I got with her!

All in all for us it has worked well to come clean as we both prefer to be pre warned in life generally. One of his ex's annoys the hell out of me! As human beings we are different which is what makes us unique. I guess what I meant Buzz is that in my earlier years I was Promiscuous and whilst not the common mind set these days I regret it. I learnt nothing from my encounters "most of them cheated" and am hardly a better person for it. All in all I wished I had saved sex for the person that I eventually made my soul mate.