How honest should I be with my very good friend?

[whereiswally]

I have been friends with V since first year at secondary school and we are now 29. We are very close and I tell her everything. We are very different but our friendship has always been good. We have totally different social life I guess I'm boring but kinda like it that way where as she's more if a going out kinda girl.

About 18 months ago she split from her hubby they have two young children, the split was the right thing to do it was a hostile environment for the kids and turned sour pretty quick.

Since the split my friend has every Saturday night off from kids, as their dad has them. And no exaggeration she has slept with a new man every week, she was like this when we were at college. Although was never unfaithful in the 7 years of her marriage.

At first she was loving her single life but now she seems sad and low a lot of the time. I have told her I think the reason she feels low is because she is sleeping with these men. Not one of these men has gone on to be a new relationship with her. Which is what she says wants (not sure of the relevance but feel it's important to point out, her XH has a new girlfriend and although V doesnt want him back i know she finds this hard, especially as her children talk about her a lot).

By no means do I judge her but I do worry for her psychological state I feel it runs deeper than getting a new shag every Saturday night I think she is searching to be loved or fill some sort of emptiness but I find it hard to explain it to her without seeming sorta mummsy like and judgmental especially coming from me who has only ever slept with one man(sorry if tmi). I think she might think I look down on her which I do not at all.

I have just finishing talking to her. Last night she went out with her best friend they went into town and she got steaming drunk (this is the norm for her to do on a sat night). And she ending up fighting physically with her friend she cannot remember why and is devastated that her friend won't speak to her now. I am just at a loss as to what to say to her tbh, I feel for her and no she isnt enjoying this lifestyle.
I feel she is on a destructive path and don't know what my role should be should I just sit back and be there for her if or when it goes wrong?? Or should I try to intervene and risk our friendship?

Sorry for the marathon post, this has been going on so long I just don't know what to do or if I should at all do anything? Thanks if anyone has actually made it to the end of my waffle.

I would love advice..........

Hi whereiswally, I think the core thing to address here is probably your friends drinking as opposed to the sleeping with men. Sounds like she is using it as a crutch, which is ok but not if she is doing things that make her feel shit and particularly if she is getting into fights which is very out of character for her. Her drinking suggests she is probably not dealing with the break up very well and perhaps some counselling would be better for her right now. Ask her if she would be behaving the way she is if she weren't drunk - I guess the answer would be an emphatic no.

How long was she married - is she reverting to an old pattern of behaviour which led to her meeting him, due to the 'pub and club' culture in your late teens/early twenties? How did they get together? It may be the only way she knows about meeting guys.
Is there anything more constructive she could be doing on her free evening - are there any clubs/groups/hobbies/courses she could be taking part in?
Has she considered councilling - I can see it could be pretty devastating for her that he has got someone else, and she may feel like she should be able to as well, or it makes her look like a loser, especially after he has rejected her. Subsequently all the one night stands which go nowhere will increase her belief that she isnt worth having a relationship with. She needs some help to build her self esteem so that she doesnt judge herself against what her ex has, or against whether she has got a man or not, and to stop herself feeling so worthless that she gives herself to the first guy who comes along, or drinks so much to blot it all out that she cant even remember getting into a fight. Its very sad.

Agree that the drinking is bad- binge drinking is so harnful. You need to raise this with her - could you suggest a coffee or something and tell her you are worried?

re. the men- yes, this kind of 1 night stand is not good for self esteem. I know you can't generalise - but most men who get what they want so easily and right away are not usually interested in the whole person. Sounds like she needs to develop some self-respect. I can't think that all the 1 night stands are offering her great sex anyway.

She is also at risk from some nasty STIs- herpes being one which cannot be prevented by condoms- and 1:4 people are asymptomatic but carry the disease. Statistically she is likely to catch it if she carries on with 1 new man a week!

Thanks for the replies. I agree that she is not dealing with things well and probably needs counselling she has in the past had counselling after her first born she had pnd. She came of anti-d's after the split. I think she thought splitting from her ex was the answer to everything and initially she really felt happy but I think she does now realise that her ex may have had a part in her depression but it wasn't totally him if that makes sense.

I agree that this is the only way she knows how to meet men as this is what she done pre marriage in clubs etc.

My main problem is I just do not know whether it's my place to say anything? And if I should say something I'm really not sure how to say it or what to say without destroying any self esteem she has left. I know I'm her reliable friend we meet for playdates and lunch I'm dependable to her I'm not part of the party scene and I think she off loads on to me which I like her doing as I'm impartial to it all. So if I say something will I not just sound preachy? in which case she might stop confiding in me and I think our chats help her out (hope that doesn't make me sound like I'm....can't think of the word sorta big headed kinda thing).

could you email her instead?

Maybe you could just start a conversation by saying you are worried about her- and see if she takes the cue- then take it from there.

Strawberry jelly, that's a really good idea about emailing then I could really put a lot of thought into what to write and she can have time to digest it before replying. Hmmm I'm off to think how to word it all but starting with I'm worried is definately a good idea. I do know her sister I thought maybe I could talk to her but think that might seem conniving ? Her sister is well aware of the situation, she recently stopped V from going out with her because V's sisters hubby is pissed off with her sleeping with all his friends! It's a sad situation because she is a lovely person.

if you involve a 3rd person it migh t look as if you are ganging up on her - she would find out, for sure.

Yes I think your right. Thanks for your help. I will let you know how it goes.

gd luck