do i take this as an excuse?

[jan2011]

my dh and i have been having problems for ages now. on wed we had a huge row and i ended up moving to my dads to stay for the weekend... this happens on a regular basis. i can't cope with all the arguing at home, im pregnant and my healths not great and i need to be looking after myself and the unborn baby so my dads is the safest place to go when things are so hard at home.

the trouble is i become resentful because i feel he is driving me from the house, i have no life down at my dads, i am depresed with no friends and nothing to do except stay in my room all day and go for coffee with dad ... yes its relaxing and its better than the fights, but i need to be living my life, i need to be socially interactive and accomplishing the goals which ive been trying to do at my home. ive tried to tell him how i feel, so down and depressed while he is getting on with his life - he just has arguments with me, goes out with his mates all the time to offload, goes to work and studies part time too, and im left with nothing.

i texted him to tell him how i felt, that pretty much since i got married my social life has disappeared, and i haven't been able to do any of the things i used to do, all cos of our problems and the way they affect me. he did not even reply to my text, sent yesterday. today he phones and texts like things r normal and he is stressed out as he has a lot of work to do, and just says i am very forgetful, i have too much to do. i know he has a lot on at the minute, but i just feel like he is getting on with his life and doesn't care about the effect on me. i am getting more and more depressed...and the fact that i tell him how i am feeling and get no response...i don't know - is being too busy and forgetful an excuse?
is this what most men r like? i dunno what to think. i am just so fed up with these cycles in our marriage and i can't get my life back together at home cos i keep having to leave, and i can't get one at dads as i know noone here and am only here for a few days or a week at a time.. its so upsetting.
yes we have discussed counselling ... he doesn't have time or money. he will htink about it more in the summer.

I'm sorry you are having such a bad time.

Are you getting help for your depression?

What is it that is stopping you from getting on with your own life?

What is it that is upsetting you about your husband's getting on with his life?

How would you like things to be ideally?

Hi jan I have v similar problems. My partner has a good job that involves a lot of socialising, he also has a lot more friends than me. I sometimes really resent this stuff, because I have mental health problems and it's so hard for me to get out and do stuff.

I'm trying very hard at the moment to not blame him for his personality. I knew when we got together that he was sociable and liked going out, so I can't really get mad at him now. Is it the same for you or has he changed?

It is so hard but try to develop your life outside him. It's easier said than done, I've joined loads of clubs and not liked them so dropped out, but I'm still trying to find stuff I like to do. Is there anything you might enjoy doing, sport or art?

Maybe this is all tied in with low self esteem? Do you feel he's better than you, are you envious of his life?

Depression is a horrible illness, it messes stuff up so badly, but it can be beaten.

hey Liz
thanks...i am getting some help for the depression...the arguments coupled with my health is stopping me getting on with my life. one bad argument drains me, wipes me out and leaves me unable to cope or have the energy to function, when i am living in a peaceful environment like my dads i find i can do a lot more. i am upset because my husband doesn't see the effect of upsetting me all the time and just gets on with things as normal, im upset as he is so busy and its so unbalanced...he has so many friends goes out all hte time and is doing things all the time with hardly any time or energy left for me. its not what i had in mind for marriage. i don;t mind him going out i just wish he went out like once a week or twice a week sometimes and was more of a family person.
i would like us to be get on and me not to have to be afraid of going home, to be able to trust going out with him somewhere without the worry of us falling out, to be able to know his is working to whatever time and then coming home and chilling in the house sometimes. i wish he cared about my goals in life too and not just his own. sigh. sorry. am i just being selfish?

No, you're not being selfish. Arguing all the time is draining- whether you have MH problems or not, and especially if pregnant.

Being able to go out together safe in the knowledge that it won't end up in tears, is a right not a priviledge.

A baby is a massive commitment, and he needs to make you and your child his number 1 priority, not his own social life.

That said, it is also important for you to also build your own life away from him too. Having a baby is a brilliant excuse/reason to do this.

what do you continually argue about

Can you reach a compromise on how much time to spend together, e.g. one night a week for just the two of you?

What are your goals in life? Can you start taking small steps towards achieving them?

How long have you been married? Have things been like this since the beginning?

Sorry for all the questions!

hi guys, thanks so much. yellow im sorry you are going thru this too its so hard isnt it, i am glad u are starting to do things for yourself and although it will take awhile you are doing the right thing....i have been doing some things too to help myself, i enrolled to an art class but then could only make one of them cos of exams and docs appt so was a waste, and i try to get to pilates but its still hard to make friends. i used to go to church at night but ive been too tired to go out at night for months. yes he has changed, he used to be much more sensitive and caring. but then he wasn't under as much stress as he is now.
my goals is to finish my study course im doing, get a placement that will lead to a job, and get a social life going...these are simple things to most people but when you are so drained by everything and have other health problems they are hard to achieve and i just feel my husband isn't very supportive. but i wil keep taking steps to achieve them, its just hard when i keep getting knocked back cos of stress at home. we argue about everything and anything. i am not saying im not to blame either, it takes 2, but i just want to feel cared about more. a night together is a really good idea, i will try to plan this even a nice dvd night. we been married just over 2 years, and its pretty much went downhill quite fast! xx i think him changing jobs has a lot to do with it.