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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you solve a problem like this?

24 replies

NanettaStocker · 05/06/2011 13:15

How do people in couples deal with an issue where you and your partner both feel equally strong about something?

What do you do when both of your feelings are equally valid, and someone has to back down? It's either or, there's no middle ground?

I'm really not going to go into the whole story, please don't ask me to. DP wants to do something, I don't want him to. Both our reasons are valid, we both feel strongly about it. One person has to lose.

Has anyone else had to deal with this? How did you get past it?

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 05/06/2011 13:22

Providing what he is doing is not cheating to be honest I don't see why he shouldn't be able to do it. It really doesn't matter what it is providing it is not life threatening. Every body should have the chance to do whatever they want in life within reason.

Bucharest · 05/06/2011 13:23

It would depend on several things, the morality of the "thing" and the impact it would have on us as a family.

Without more info, that's all I can say.

Original poster

NanettaStocker · 05/06/2011 13:27

I know, it's very hard without the full story. I really can't go into the whole sorry mess. That will take the discussion off into another direction. It's not a big impact. It's a small thing but it's something that causes me emotional pain.

Fabby - why does that the fact the he wants something construed as an action, whereas I want a lack of action, mean that his need is more valid?

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 05/06/2011 13:29

People aren't in relationships to be squashed. they are still entitled to be their own person.

He wants to do something you have said no. Unless you can come up with a reason as to why he shouldn't do it like it affects the family too much, you cannot afford it, why shouldn't he do it?

Without full details it's hard to know what to say.

Original poster

NanettaStocker · 05/06/2011 13:34

How do you get past feeling so shit about your feelings being the ones to be negated?

OP posts:

hobbgoblin · 05/06/2011 13:42

If both views truly are equally valid then this could indicate incompatibility.

Would it hurt one partner to compromise or would it be a case of sacrifice rather than hurt? There is a difference of course.

Let's say one partner wanted a non sexual relationship because of things that happened in the past, but the other partner wanted a sexual relationship. It may seem unfair for either party to compromise on such a fundamental aspect of the relationship but it is clear that for one party this could involve a great deal of hurt whereas for the other the price would be the sacrifice of fulfillment. In most cases this would lead to incompatability I suspect but not in all. It depends whether the relationship means more than personal fulfillment and whether that in itself is a dichotomy. Add to this the question that perhaps the partner who wants a non sexual relationship should have counselling for themselves, the other person and for their relationship...

I use the above as an example because it illustrates deep emotions, complexity and aspects inherent to a relationship between a couple.

Because it is so complex, maybe you should start with whether you both feel the relationship must be preserved at all costs and take it from there. If you do you can explore the issues around sacrifice, fulfillment, morality, hurt, loss, and what it takes to achieve a common goal.

TinyBubbles · 05/06/2011 13:43

If he wants to go to India for six months on a sabbatical to find himself you are not being unreasonable to object.

If he wants to change his job/religion and this will impact on the whole family you are not being unreasonable to object.

If he wants to go on his brother's stag weekend to Amsterdam you are being unreasonable - he is allowed a life and assuming you trust him there is no issue.

Anniegetyourgun · 05/06/2011 13:44

That's the point though, when you're in a family pretty much everything you do does affect everyone else in it. Whether it's "too much" depends on your point of view as well as the circumstances. For instance, should a man be allowed to buy himself an iPhone? Absolutely, he should! But if the household is so short of money that they have the choice of an iPhone or being able to feed the children and pay the rent, then no, what he wants is not at all reasonable. Should a woman be allowed to spend a week away on a hobby? Of course. But if her husband needs, for very practical reasons, her support in looking after their large brood of DCs, eg he has health problems and no close family or friends to step in, then she has to consider whether she should either not go away or should be responsible for drumming up the necessary cover. If one partner wants to move abroad, or to the other end of the country, but the other doesn't, I would argue the high ground rests with the one who wants to stay where they're already settled - schools, extended family, support network, familiarity, comfort - and if he does move, leaving the rest of the family behind, he remains at least partly responsible for their wellbeing.

So no, it isn't always the one who's got a life's dream who should be allowed to pursue it while the other partner smiles indulgently and packs their suitcases. It depends on a whole mess of things.

Original poster

NanettaStocker · 05/06/2011 13:45

hobbgoblin - that's really useful, thank you. It's hurt rather than sacrifice.

OP posts:

MadamMemoo · 05/06/2011 13:47

There is no way to give you proper advice without knowing the details. You are being unrealistic to expect us to whilst your not prepared to actually tell us what the problem is.

Snorbs · 05/06/2011 13:51

This is an impossible question to answer with anything other than "It depends". For the most part I'd say decisions such as these should be done on a compromise basis - if one person gets their way about one such issue then the other should get likewise about another similarly contentious issue. But the particular issue may not be appropriate for such bartering - deciding to have another child, for example, is a bit too significant a decision for such a simple compromise

It really does depend on how big an issue it is, why one person is so keen to do it and why the other person is so dead set against it. Prior expectations play a part, too.

sayithowitis · 05/06/2011 13:53

Maybe you get past it by remembering the occasions when the situations were reversed and you were the one who 'won the argument' about doing/not doing something and your husband probably felt that his feelings were 'negated'.

TBH, without knowing the circumstances it is impossible to fully answer your question.

hobbgoblin · 05/06/2011 13:54

You are very welcome, I hope we can help you even though we don't know what your dilemma is :)

If it would hurt one of you to compromise then could that hurt be dealt with by the support from the other partner or with support from outside. Would the process of going through some sort of pain and hurt be beneficial to both of you in the end even though the process would be upsetting?

Do the difficulties you face in one of you compromising outweigh the difficulties you would face in living without the compromise by one of you?

Does your relationship stand to gain from a compromise on one side or would resentment over the compromise be worse than living with a stale mate...

Asinine · 05/06/2011 13:55

If it the thing he wants to do directly hurts you physically or mentally don't do it. If it's just a very unwise decision that only affects him let him do it and watch him deal with the consequences. If it is a financial issue declare a moratorium for 6 months when you could rediscuss. If it's about having kids or more kids don't do it unless you are both happy

I could go on
And on...

hobbgoblin · 05/06/2011 14:00

Oh, by the way, you say it is a small thing but evidently it's a big issue. Who is it that perceives this as a small thing? If it's you then that says to me you wish that you could get past it and offer the compromise, if it's him then it says to me that he can live without it and offer you the compromise.

atswimtwolengths · 05/06/2011 14:00

It's too hard for us to say, OP, when we don't know what you're referring to.

He may want anal sex and you don't.
He may want to go to a swinging club and you don't.
He may want you all to move to another area and you don't.
He may want to meet up with an old girlfriend and you don't want him to.
He may simply want the last Rolo and you don't want him to!

How can we advise if we don't know more?

Original poster

NanettaStocker · 05/06/2011 14:01

I'm sorry I can't go into the full story, it really would change the discussion. Like how we never know whether the Montagues or the Capulets were to blame for the feud.

I think I know now how to move forward. Thank you everyone.

OP posts:

Asinine · 05/06/2011 14:03

So did we actually help, then?
Sorry, just being nosy...

Original poster

NanettaStocker · 05/06/2011 14:04

"He may want to meet up with an old girlfriend and you don't want him to."

That's about the crux of it. It's much, much more complicated than that. Such a small thing, but it hurts.

I wish I could get past it and comprise. I think I know how to now.

OP posts:

Asinine · 05/06/2011 14:06

That's not a small thing, I would be unhappy about that too. I know it's the wrong thread but YANBU

hobbgoblin · 05/06/2011 14:07

Does he need to? I mean, is she ill or something? I would be very wary of desire dressed up as need. Glad you got help by asking the question though.

tribpot · 05/06/2011 14:11

I'm guessing from your reaction that this isn't a case of meeting an old girlfriend that he knew years before he met you but rather an Other Woman?

If the former, even if it's actually an ex-wife, I would say you are probably being a bit unreasonable. If something more like the latter, that's a whole other ballgame.

shirleyshortcut · 05/06/2011 14:11

why dont you go too

lazarusb · 05/06/2011 15:46

If it's causing you hurt then imo he should defer to you. I didn't meet with an ex because DH was very unhappy about it and I didn't want to be the cause of that. It was no big deal - I didn't feel 'squashed' or that he was telling me what I can and can't do. It's just that in this instance it wasn't worth the tension it caused.

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