WWIFN (or anyone else) - Can you summarise recovery process after discovery of affair so I can show DH?

[everyonebutme]

You have responded to me on my thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1207330-Support-after-relationship-problems and I've read a lot of threads where you have responded to people in similar situations and sometimes wish DH could/would look at some of these. So I just wondered if you could just summarise something (not specific to our problems) so I could show him so he knows what I'm going through and what he should be doing because at the moment he's just going on as though nothing has happened, we're only allowed to talk about day to day stuff and he will just roll his eyes if I mention anything and say 'you're never going to forget this are you?' So I just carry on (we've just come back from a great holiday) but continue hurting inside, thinking about it at every waking moment, crying myself to sleep, not sleeping properly and getting angry that he does sleep....I finally went on line and bought the book yesterday as you suggested but could do with a quick summary that I could show DH (might be helpful for other posters too). TIA!

Not sure if WWIFN is about atm but if you go on Beyondaffairs.com website there is an article there called The Need to Know. It explains very well why we need to know "everything". It uses a jigsaw analogy whereby he has all the pieces and we have so many missing pieces and need to complete the puzzle. I found it very useful when explaining to DH why I needed to know everything.

Good luck.

Oh thanks Counting. What are people going to do without WWIFN?! It's not just the need to know (although that's part of it), it's what they should be doing to help things, ie not just ignoring what's happened/pretending it didn't. Surely he should be doing everything he can otherwise I start to wonder..

TBH my DH didn't really "get it" til about 6/8 months down the line and two years on, he has taken himself back to counselling to understand why he did the things he did. Has your DH got some counselling ? Have you had any counselling on your own ?

Counting - just read the article and cried all the way through. It's so very true. Here it is if anyone else needs it www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/need_to_know.htm

Neither of us has had counselling. Money's a bit of an issue and I'm not very good at talking to people (which is why I'm on here a lot I guess). We both have very different views on what happened I think and I sometimes wonder on bad days if his ambivalent attitude means he doesn't want it to work with us (even though he says he does) or if it's not over....

I remember getting some good advice here that my dh should be doing his utmost to 'win me back'. It is for you to call the shots. If you want to talk about it then he should, even if it is difficult or embarrassing.

It won't be for ever. It is not about punishment. I also remember reading that you don't want your dh to be putting out the bins in penance 10 years down the line!

But this is a critical period when, if you both truly want to make your relationship work, he needs to bend over backwards to make you feel ok and deal with your worries, sadness and questions. It can't be brushed under the carpet. It needs to be dealt with.

I discovered my H's affair a few weeks ago...and have been going through all the relevant threads, copying and pasting onto a word document. I also have read Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends which helped enormously. H is now reading it as well as going to solo counselling.

Hi Everyone.

I wouldn't dream of stepping on WWIFN's toes but she gave me some fantastic insights into my situation not long ago.

I don't know what she would say to you, but this is how I understand and have dealt with my own experience.

First, there was nothing you could have done to alter the course of your DP's actions. He gave himself permission by detaching himself sufficiently from your marriage to let the OW in. This is about his vulnerability to an affair, not your worth as a person, nor anything you did or didn't do.
So if he is committed to putting this right for you both, he needs to really look at himself and why he allows himself to become vulnerable in the first place.
Second. Your response is that of someone who has been traumatised and those who suffer trauma of any kind find they are preoccupied with the details of the event - images, memories, imaginings, anything, to the extent that it can feel very real, like you are back there re-experiencing the whole discovery again. There is also an overwhelming 'need to know' all the details about the affair and a terrible sense of loss of trust. You need to be able to talk about this whenever you need to and he must allow this and be honest about everything. TBH if his avoidance of talking about this with you is about 'protecting' you from more hurt, he's going about it the wrong way.
Third. Get yourself some counselling through your GP if you can't afford to pay and work it through with someone who can help you process some of the grief.
Fourth. Talk to RL friends and family you trust. Don't let this become a shameful secret - he chose to behave this way and you don't have to protect him from the consequences. The more people you have to support you the better IMHO.
Fifth. Look after yourself and assert your need for him to repair this in whatever way you want. You don't have to 'get over it' until you are ready and that can take years - longer if he doesn't recognise the extent of the damage.
Sixth. Maybe take time out yourself to decide what you want. Do you want to stay in this relationship? I think it's a common but understandable reaction that this question doesn't crop up for the DW because she's too reeling from all the shock to ask that very important question.

So sorry about all this. I hope this helps a little, like I said it's a bit of WWIFN but not nearly enough (and quite alot of me!) and when she's back I'm sure she will respond.

Stay strong. (hugs) to you

I don't think there can be such a thing as a summary. Everyone is different.
Every affair is different.

There is no "one size fits all" to the lead up, the affair, or the recovery.

Sorry you are going through this.

WUW- i don't think that scenario you describe fits everyone-it's a bit of one-size fits all-no-one!

Whilst I am sure it is devastating to find out about an affair, it's not right to think the other person is 100% responsible in all cases. We all know of women who "had it coming" because of their frankly sometimes dreadful behaviour- such as rejecting their DH's , or whatever.

Yes, they alone are responsible for their actions but two people are in a marriage and both are responsible for the course it takes.

Only you know what has gone before this. I think it would be really bad to have anyone but you write a script for you to read or give to your DH. You know him best.

he is obviously avoiding the whole thing and in some ways you are allowing him to do this- I assume by backing off when he "rolls his eyes" etc.

You need to take control and be more assertive. I'd suggest you ask him if you can make an appointment with him- a quiet time of day- maybe even go out for a d rink so it's a public place- and have a very frank chat about how you feel- say what you have written here.

You don't need anyone else to write a script- empower yourself and do it.

Jasper and Strawberry - of course I realise that everyone is different but WWIFN and others give advice which seems to be repeated quite often even though the circumstances are different. Also I have been amazed at how the way I'm feeling is the same as the way others have been feeling (things like everything being great again and then another wave of sadness and anger hitting you).

WUW - Thanks for your post. It is the sort of thing I'm looking for and I realise you have written down what has helped you.

Fragile and Hot Choc - thanks for your posts too. The copying into word doc is a good idea and hope everything is getting better for you HC.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but there is more than one way of working through the after math of an affair.

It's better IMO to read widely on the subject and pick bits out of various books and articles.

everyone- why don't you just talk to him?

I accept that some advice is helpful. I accept that many people feel the same when they have experienced the same event.

But you need to start thinking about your relationship and what would work within it.

Someone else's ideas are not really the solution.

The Shirley Glass book that is often quoted is just another therapist's view on it. There are lots of different aproaches which is why some therapists advocate Freud, others prefer Jung, etc etc. There is not one answer for any of these issues.

If you rely on someone's book - or want something written down to show your DH- do you not think that is you ducking out of the talking?

Why don't you both go to counselling together- or you on your own- to try to find a way forwad?

i dont think books help whatsoever, there isnt a set script you stick to

you just go minute by minute, day by day shouting screaming and gradually, very gradually those days get less

but you feel what you feel, no way is right, no way is wrong

has wwifn flounced?

FC I don't know but suspect she PMs instead, as she did offer to do this in another post.

Everyone you posted here for some insights and here is a place you will get a broad range of views - and that's all they are, different ways of seeing the same event.

You saw my post as it was intended to speak to you - from my experience of WWIFN's advice and the way I have used it to recover from my STBX's affair and subsequent exit. It was my script, just as those who will suggest you read or don't read books, or go into couple's counselling are all giving you variations of their's. And that's ok, I took what fitted for me at the time (still do).

I'm sorry WWIFN isn't here at the moment. But you can still receive alot of support and advice in the meantime.

I guess the sad reality is that no matter what approach 'works' for you, it still hurts that this has happened. I used to feel like MNers were holding me up and feeding me when I couldn't feed myself with kindness. Much of what I read in the early days simply didn't go in, but just seeing words on the screen was like someone holding me.

So what I'm saying is just keep posting and take whatever hits the spot.
Take care.
x

Thanks for your post and support WUW. I do appreciate it and your original post.

Thanks Straw.

Everyonebutme - I've just stumbled across this which your H may (or may not) find useful in order to see things from your perspective.

www.strengthenyourrelationship.com/affair-recovery-a-message-to-all-men-who-have-cheated/

Thanks Easter Bunnies. It's a good article and the sort of thing I think will help him to understand what I'm going through and what will help us to recover.

OP wondering why you are online at 4 am? Can you not sleep?

Just came across this link which you may find helpful:

ezinearticles.com/?Affair-Recovery---The-Truth-About-Affairs---Debunking-Common-Myths&id=488809

Thanks HotChoc that's another useful article. There seems to be so much around especially on this site which is so supportive.

And Strawberryjelly no I can't sleep and have had problems sleeping since discovery.