The Latest Round of EA *warning LONG*

[UsedToBePeedOff]

I've namechanged but posted many times about DP. I have the name which sounds like MadameBovary (dont want to be found as X knows my MN name)

I have been in an Emotionally abusive relationship for years, made the mistake of having a DC with him, we dont live together but he has messed with my head for years to the point that I minimised it massively and because I loved him.

Two things happened recently to change that. He displayed appalling behaviour as regards my seeing an old (male) friend and basically accused me of faking illness to get him out of the way so I could phone someone. (I asked him to go to the shop as I was feeling sick and I didn't answer my phone so he accused me of calling someone else)

This is no worse than any of the other stuff he has done, but lately something clicked in me and I "get" emotionally that I deserve better than this. I've been getting a lot of intensive support from an agency that supports victims of DV.
So I challenged him and said what he had done was unacceptable, detailing why, and that he should apologise. Profusely.

His response was to pick up on a minor detail and tell me I was wrong. Not a hint of an apology.

And today he had said we should just be friends. Only it's his version of a breakup where nothing actually changes (including FB status) but we stick a label on it "Friends" and everything is hunky dory. It's a punishment for daring to stand up to him, the threat of withdrawal.

He said if I wanted my keys back that was ok. So I said yes ok then give them back. It was at this point the EA really stepped up and he said "Oh we might as well split up properly then, cut all contact and I'll go to a solicitor re DD"

At this point you'd be thinking "Brilliant! Go for it!"
And I would, only this is when he would really turn on the nasty stuff. He would accuse me of being "unfriendly" and say that he had no choice but to act this way in return. (I know, been there before)

I am sorry if this is making little sense. I think he is NPD and need some help on how to proceed.

The good news is that I can FINALLY see what he really is, that there are no redeeming features, that he is an awful father (quote re his reasons for just being friends "I'm obligated but I dont want to FEEL obligated" ) and the opposite of what a loving, supportive partner should be.

So I am playing along, acting upset but actually delighted that he is removing himself a bit more from our lives. We dont live together and only slept together about once every six weeks or so and he never stayed over.

I feel like a prize idiot for taking so long to get to this place, but I'm here finally and FINALLY starting to think clearly. He really has done a number on me. So many people think we are a lovely couple (his public image is v. important to him) but our relationship is non-existent.

Believe me, if I knew that he would fuck off and never see me again, I'd be delighted, but he would never let that happen and has already proved that he's quite happy to use DD as leverage against me. My mental health is not brilliant but I've been slowly getting to a place where I'm putting him in a box and not letting him get to me, withdrawing slowly.
Advice welcomed.

My ex sounds exactly like your 'P', right down to the perfect couple image. It sounds like you are not living together..is that correct?

Stick to your to key messages, ie ' yes we have split up'. Keep him emotionally in that box and formalise contact arrangements. Document every abusive incident ( no matter how small). If nothing else if will help you recognise both patterns and the sheer relentlessness of it all.

Concentrate on your own health, everything is about to get easier, even if logistically it appears harder on the outset. Good luck, feel free to PM me if you want...I am on here a little sporadically, but I will respond.

Just spotted that you don't live together...which is good news.

Thanks snowmama. We are not living together, which he hates as he loathes living on his own and he cant control me as he would like.

Yes that is exactly what he wants, he also probably doesn't think you are any where close to splitting up. Also, don't beat yourself up about this, it is very, very easy to end up in this situation.

Problem is I always knew it was wrong intellectually, but couldn't relate it sufficiently to myself IYSWIM? And until that happened it was always easier to just pretend it wasn't happening. Part of me is over the moon at the leap I've made. If he isn't able to affect me anymore (or much much less than he used to) then it will be such a positive thing.

The other part of me is staying cautious in case I crash - I know part of me loved the drama but not any more. He tried to text me just now - as I knew he would - with a sorrowful, regretful message. I didn't engage and gave him an answer that wouldn't encourage further messages.
Manipulative fucker.

It is good to stay cautious, I have just spotted the EA thread (which if you are not on it, I think will be useful) and as discussed there, the bad news is he is unlikely to go quietly. But stick to your guns, he will do sorrow, anger, manipulation the works but once you have disconnected from it, it is much easier to manage both emotionally and intellectually.

I know what you mean about it intellectually being wrong, but still being able to rationalise it. I did exactly the same thing.

Snowmama where are you now with him? I feel like a failure because I cant stand up to him and say "Fuck off out of our lives" But I just can't take the flak from that right now, better to keep him at arms length and be calmer about it as then DD doesn't see how frustrated/irritable I get.

Madam, thanks for your message. He might go to a solicitor but he wouldn't actually put arrangements in place - God forbid he should take his own daughter for a set time each week
Whatever he does, he does for his own benefit, or to make himself look good. I do suspect NPD as there is no logic to his actions or reasoning.

It is still a work I progress, the only contact we have is re the children, but I am still subject rages and incidents. I thought I could manage it informally but it looks like I will have formalise arrangements via solicitors.

MadamDeathStare speaks sense understand your legal position. Emotionally I am completely detached, his attempts to manipulate now seem slightly surreal as it all so obvious now.

Work in progress I mean.

When I split from my abusive ex it took me quite a while to realise that the less contact I had the better I felt. My ex thrives on drama. I suspect it's largely an attention-seeking thing but, really, her motives are none of my business. The more contact I had with her the more my life was still being dominated by the chaos that she likes to surround herself with.

It took a number of spectacularly unpleasant situations to make me realise that I had a choice in engaging with the madness and I could simply choose not to.

I've said it here before but I genuinely did have a post-it note near my phone saying "Is there anything you could be doing that would be more fun than having this conversation?" And, looked at it that way, pretty much everything is more fun than having a conversation with an emotional vampire.

You are allowed to just put the phone down on someone if the conversation takes a turn for the worse. Hell, you are allowed to not pick the phone up at all. I'm not meaning to be patronising; for me it really was a deliberate effort to remind myself that I am not obliged to talk to my ex just because she phones me.

The only things you do have to communicate about are a) child contact and b) outstanding financial issues. I found it a lot easier to deal with those things via email or letter than on the phone or face to face. Written communication gave me a chance to sit back and consider my response.

It's still early days for you. As with grieving, you'll go through a range of emotions. Let yourself feel them but don't necessarily use the fact that you're feeling those particular emotions to persuade you to change your actions.

In time, think about forgiveness. Not for him but for yourself. Forgive yourself for sticking it out as long as you did. There are reasons behind that and, at the time, those reasons seemed good ones. In hindsight that may no longer be true but that's ok. That's what hindsight is there for.

Take care of yourself. This is a big change in your life and change always takes time to become comfortable. Allow yourself time and space to deal with your emotions and what has happened. It'll be ok.

Hold this thought OP, you are lucky and SMART. Not only have you seen through this knob, but you don't actually live with him. You need never let him across the threshold again. You don't have to wrangle with him about selling your shared home, or who moves out. Just change your locks, tomorrow or Monday. (Abusive men who have keys to your home might well make a big show of giving them back because they have made copies of them).
As to his financial support for DC, check with the CAB or Women's Aid what he ought to be paying and send him a letter or email WRT that. In fact, as you were not living together before, what was his financial contribution to his DC's upbringing now? there is no reason for it to change. Erm, unless it was 'bugger all apart from the odd ice cream' in which case look forward to being better off now his sorry arse is dumped. WRT contact, be absolutely clear on this: contact does not happen in YOUR home. He's got to take the DC out, or have them at his home. He's got a home.
Everything's going to be fine. Better than fine. Good luck.

Thanks SGB and Snorbs,
Very useful advice there.
Love the way you are all saying how much better life gets after the realisation of what they are
Have joined the EA thread so will be posting on there from now on.
Thanks again to all on here.

Just wanted to say well done, it sounds like you're seeing him for what he is now: onwards & upwards.

Life does get better once you realise, even before practical things have changed, because if nothing else you can finally stop believing there is something wrong with you that makes the relationship so uncomfortable. You can start believing your own perceptions, trust your own memory, know that what you said was reasonable and only an unreasonable person would take umbrage. You can start thinking about what works for you instead of worrying whether it will also work for him. It's massively liberating.

I recognise your old name and your posts helped me massively about two years ago when I was leaving my emotionally abusive ex. I actually had no idea you were still engaging with him, but now you can see it which is good. Use that righteous anger to put the boundaries and structures in place that will reduce any influence he has on your life.

Snorbs' post is good for people like this. I am the same - absolutely zero tolerance with my ex, I really believe with ones like this it's the only way. Only letters and texts, never allowed in my house, legal action to force the sale of our house (now completed after 18 months of his games) and CSA for maintenance.

Keep going and just accept that the games are going to go on until your daughter is grown up, I know she's still wee. Not as depressing as it sounds; having got my head round that fact, I know I don't have to try and work out if he's changed, decided to be a beter person yada yada. I know he's a twat and always will be, so zero tolerance is just something on my mental to do list now.

You will get shot, keep reading, keep posting. I just cannnot describe how much happier I am now, as is my DD two years down the line.

Annie - yes it is nice when your realise that you are the reasonable one!
buzzsore thankyou

QueenofWhatever that's lovely, thankyou! Was it posting about my situation that helped or did I give you advice? I'm sorry my memory isn't very good
I believe I will get to the zero tolerance stage eventually. I am just at the start of emerging from the fog, as I call it. One of the biggest realisations was that I had to change the way I responded to him and felt about him, as he wasn't going to change. Just today he was texting me about moving in with him again. He was actually serious. As if I'd give this place up and subject DD to THAT, ffs. There was a build up too, all designed to soften me up. I told him no, and now its all "Sorry you couldn't commit...blah blah...I will miss you...blah blah...you have to take a chance sometimes...I hope you find happiness and dont regret yr choice"
FFS.