Marraige of 16 years over 7 months ago, why am I still struggling

[Tambasher]

The title says it all really.

My exH left 7 months ago, I found out he had moved in with another woman.

He came to see the kids but could never have proper time with them as he used to choose these times to pick my brains and continue to control me as he had done when he lived here.

I cannot let him have the DC as he would like as he wants them overnight and his OW has a Child Protection Order over her current children and the unborn baby, yes a bay too :( regarding drugs/violence in the past and present.

Yes to top it off he got OW pregnant around 2/3 weeks after they met.

He has used this 7 months to twist my mind, I don't know why I have let him back in our lives at all as he most definately displays signs of having immmense problems.

He watched porn when my 11 year ols son was in the same room. Teenage porn. I have since learned he was taking drugs in the kitchen as DS has been being taught about drugs and yes exH had been taking drugs before he left, all of which I found out after he left. SO him leaving is a GOOD thing, he treated me like...... well he just lied about everything.

It would seem the last few years of our life has just beeen one big lie and yet he had still been contacting me asking me if I thought things could ever work.

Until I sent his partner the texts after he lied once again about even conplemplatng such a thing. She didn't believ the texts and thought I had sat and wrote them all on to forward to her.

I just felt I had to get all this out I have been lurking relationship threads for days reading about men leaving their partners after such a long time and I just cannot seem to cope with the memories, even though most of them were bad.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. :(

You're much better off without that loser. It will take time to get over what happened. Be kind to yourself.

My lawyer said just to wait on him getting a lawyer to see the boys, possibly a contact centre but he hasn't even done this.

I have been no contact for 4 weeks but his OW sent me text this week to tell me they would be going for full access of the children. My children.

How can men just turn ? My mother said he was always evil. We did have lots of good times but he changed so dramatically after we moved here.

I don't know why I am so upset. Most likely because the children are at G/P.

Wow I don't think you could have been with anyone worse. He sounds like a terrible person with no morals or kindness.

You can only go up from that really. 16 years is a long time, give yourself time to adjust to your new, better life. You'll soon be wondering how you ever considered marrying such a man.

You sound lovely, I'm sure good things are coming your way

Thank you for your replies.

I had to stop using Mumsnet as he didn't like that either. Feels a bit weird posting again. Without him having a keylogger on the PC though.

Tam so sorry to read your thread but pleased you feel the freedom to come back, you are in the right place.

The memories will fade, but until they do just let them come and they'll be part of the grieving you will do. It might seem strange but it's important to grieve for the whole thing, good and bad and once you have you'll move on.

If the OW's DC's are already subject to CP then I think it unlikely they'll get any access and I'm assuming you've told your sol about your X's drug taking and porn use. Exposing a minor to porn is Child Abuse, I know because I work in the field.

Don't contact the OW. She will use it against you and all that will do is open up the wounds. This is a relationship made in hell and you are better off leaving them to it.

Look after you and your DC's. There will be happier times. (hugs)

Tam, it sounds as though you firstly need proper legal advice to protect your children. As you say, there is no way that either of them should be having any unsupervised access to the children, and maybe your first focus could be taking steps to ensure that's the case (as Wisey, who is indeed wise, says- tell your solicitor everything that your ex has done which is abusive/neglectful towards the children and to you).

I'm sorry that you feel so down, it sounds as though you've been through a horrendous time. Could it be that you are grieving for a family relationship and marriage that you hoped for, rather than the one that transpired? From your description he sounds like an abusive man, and a horrific father- perhaps the day will come when you look back and think that leaving was the biggest favour he ever did you (because, as bad as things are, you haven't had the battle of trying to force out a drugged-up user of potentially illegal porn from your house. And for heaven's sake don't ever let him move back in !!)

You're struggling because he's still trying to control you, and behave in an abusive way to you and the children. You sound like a kind, strong woman who can break free of this. Good luck.

Thank you for your replies, I think posting about this must have helped as I slept right through last night.

It has only this week came up in conversations with DS regarding the drug abuse and porn so I will have to tell Sol about this, she seems to think if I just ignore him he will have to get his own Sol then we can start the procedure until then do nothing.

I knew he was still trying to control me so this is why I asked him to stop coming to see the children here, I had to change the chip in my mobile again as it was full of their texts telling me they would grind me down (until I killed myself) and the boys will hate me for not letting them go to see him. I have kept all the texts but fear phoning the police as there would be some kind of come back on me.

The DC are fine and I spoke to 11 year old about why he cannot visit exH and he seems to understand the youngest is only just turned 7 so finds it difficult to understand why exH just turns up sometimes but he does not seem to bothered, possibly because exH was not around for them a lot anyway.

It is true I am grieving for what could have been but most likely never would have been, not with exH, he is too abusive but has turned this all around to say I was abusing him by posting on here, when he disliked it so much, I guess I am just reeling from last weeks texts, I need to start thinking logically again and see them for what they are and doubt there would be a judge in UK who would grant them full access to my DC.

It is strange getting used to not being so controlled. I need to create my own routine, I have been gong to bed at the same time as the children as I cannot seem to think what to with myself. Its very strange.

Thanks for listening/reading.

Can I just say Tam how resolute you sound? It's hard to act it when you don't feel it, but believe me (I know) it's worth it in the end.

I want to tell you about the moment when you suddenly realise, truly realise, that it doesn't matter what threat you feel you are under from this hateful and destructive man (and the OW) it won't matter and it won't grind you down - because you will have broken the attachment you have to him.
He won't, he can't, but you can.

You will feel free. You will not feel afraid. You will know what you have to do, what his responses might be, but you'll do it anyway. Your spirits will soar and you'll feel truly happy. And your DC's will feel it too.

Good luck Tam.

I had a knock at the door on Thursday, just out of the blue exH, telling me he doesn't want the baby, none of the is right he belongs here at home with me and the boys. :( Again he said "so I cannot come back here" I told him no to go to a B&B through the council.

He was here for 3 hours crying about the mess of th whole situation and it totally drained me as he was telling me he would always feel the same way about me and that would never change but he felt trapped.

He left me in bits again. He can do this whenever he wants as I cannot turn him away from the house until he takes his name of the lease which he heasn't done and my lawyer is reluctant to deal with only this she wants to wait until he has been gone a year and divorce/deal with children/house etc.

I feel like I just start getting somewhere and he comes and breaks down all the good I have done, taking me back to the start again. Why can't he just leave me alone. :(

Doesn't your solicitor know how much pressure he's putting you under and how difficult it's making things for you? Her advice is all very well if he had just run away but the rest of it is something you shouldn't have to just sit through. If she does know, then I wonder whether she is the best solicitor for your situation. She can't really give you the best advice without knowing all the facts, though. You know you can start divorce proceedings immediately on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, and you've got a hatful of prime examples.

tam I feel your pain. I am in a similar situation wrt solicitor and contact. I have been told to cease all contact until exH gets his own solicitor and we get it sorted. In my head I realise that is a sensible thing to do, because it puts the ball firmly in his court and he will have to actually do the right thing and get over himself and behave in a reasonable manner. So far, 1 week into no contact and exH has made no effort to get solicitor etc. Based on his past behaviour, I don't think that he ultimately wants our kids, he only sees them as a way of getting at me.

I think that you need a clean break from your ex. I don't think it is appopropriate for him to turn up at your house unannounced. If I was you, I would speak to your solicitor and tell him/her what he's been doing. Tell her that it's not fair for him to come to the house if he's supposed to be sorting out things properly with solicitor. Could she write him a letter (you may have to pay for it if you get legal aid, and I think it would be £50 well spent), telling him that he is not welcome at your house and that all contact in the future should be made in writing.. letter or email or thru solicitor. Then I would change your number so you cna't get any more texts etc.

Also, like annie says, start divorce proceedings, I am doing this too.

I really think that you need some time away from him to heal yourself and your boys and it will be hard if he or his ow texts you and he turns up at the door.

Final thing, have you got a domestic abuse support worker? If not, ring your local domestic abuse service and get one organised.... so helpful. And, are you doing the freedom programme? It is a free course for women suffered from domestic abuse. It's fab!!

Thanks for your replies.

ExH was using the DC as an excuse to come down, he paid them no attention and followed me around the house.

He keeps telling me he loves me and does not want to be in the situation he is in. I am so weak to him and just wish I could muster up more anger/hate for him and get over him walking out on us.

I will make an appointment with my solicitor this week or may wait until my next GP appointment and ask her to write out something saying how deterimental to my health he stays away.

I am just so lost just now I think I may need councelling.

Like I said before, contact your local domestic abuse service and ask about getting a support worker

Thanks I will do that when sick dc goes back to school. :)

i really feel for you, try to keep active, try to eat well and be gentle on yourself. have bath with candles with music/ book when kids have gone to bed so you can unwind

Wow I just caught back up on this, one year later.

I have done all as advised in these posts and am currently going through the "Freedom" programme, the book The Dominator is a real eye opener, they lost their last baby, she is now pregnant again and expecting end of August.

I have no contactwith him, I finally stopped in December2011, so yes I let him abuse me for another 7 months after posting here. Thankfully it has stopped now, we still have problems as obvioulsy I have the boys and he is unfortunately their father but I am much stronger now.

Now and again I feel a little sad, maybe when I look at the one picture I havent ripped up of us together. I don't cry for him anymore though just the loss of my marriage and what he was like when we met 18 years ago.

My boys see him supervised only, I stopped him coming here via Lawyers letter, he seen them for first time on Friday since December when his parents picked the boys up to stay the night at theirs, he now wants us to be "friends" so he can arrange access, he can go take a flying duck! Or visit his Lawyer.

No more going to bed at 7.30pm. I changed that around about the time I stopped ALL contact with "them" I like this Freedom course but sometimes feel I don't have enough time with my support worker but I am seeing her again on Tuesday and feel lots better than I did 2 weeks ago so onwards and upwards!!

Thank you all again for your kind words.

You're an inspiration. Good for you. Good luck for your future.

Thank you

I have to say my boys keep me sane, I do not know where I would be without them, my eldest is turning into a very lovely, sensible young man, I even gave up at one point and said "oh you can go and see your father" only to be told "no Mum that's what he wants you to do, I don't want to go there to see him, not after her calling you those names"!

My youngest is 8 now and still does ot understand it all but he is a beautiful child who gives me big hugs at the right times.

I love them so much, they literally are my life.

They know the truth now, both of them, I was advised not to hide anything from them so I don't, well maybe a few tears in the past but they are very seldom now.

He knows he messed up big time, he wanted to come back... he had no idea why he left but it was too late, I know why he left and it makes perfect sense to me now, he has his 25 year old hanging onto his every word and every need, I couldn't and wouldn't do that ever. Good luck to her.

Thank you for your kind words, you have no idea how reading this back has made me feel better, I can actually remember how awful I felt writing each of these posts and I am so much wiser on abusive relationships now, I guess I was so lost with everything I did not realise I was in a very bad one.

I also now know what to look out for in men so am very careful, I am also very cautious as to ever letting my heart open up to this kind of hurt again, so I am quite gaurded but possibly in a good way, I am (quite) confident after my counselling I will see even more light at the end of this very long tunnel.

I should have known he was a complete prat for not letting me on Mumsnet He was jealous of the site...

Thank you once again.

Congratulations OP!

Thank you again.

If anyone reads this and thinks they may be in an abusive relationship I would highly recommend Womens Aid, if you feel you are unable to do this yet I would google and buy "Living with the Dominator" it makes everything very clear.

Some ladies go through this book on the Freedom programme whilst still living with their partners, I felt I didn't need it as mine had gone but I did and still do.

Unfortunately my EX had every sign of a dominator and used them on us but we are now free!