Possible mid-life crisis for DH or could it be holiday comedown? or am i over reacting...?

[superv1xen]

we have been together about 3 1/2 years. married since Feb. got 2 dc 5 and 2 and the older one is not DH's, he is from a prev marriage. we have a generally great relationship (have had a few bumps along the way but fine now) and we really are crazy about eachother, great sex life etc.

we had a great holiday together recently just the two of us (left dc with gps) we went to america and had an absolutely amazing time.

but since we have been back, about a week ago, he has been miserable and negative, keeps saying he misses being on holiday, well i do a bit too, but i am much happier being at home with my kids and everything i know! its like he is pissed off to have all his responsibilities back

then last night we had a few drinks at home and he started saying he feels old (he is 40 soon) and he feels he looks old and fat (he looks neither, he is very attractive IMO.) and he hates that he has grey hair (he has it dyed) and saying that having a young family and younger wife (i am 31 and dc are 5 and 2) makes him feel even older.

and i basically said, FFS, get a grip, what do you expect from being nearly 40, no one can look 20 forever! and some people have got REAL problems, at least you have your health, family, a home and a job etc. and i told him how good i think he looks as well to try and re assure him but i'm not sure it worked :(

i have noticed as well that at weekends he often wants to "farm the kids out" (ie to gps etc or when DS goes to his dads) for want of a better description so we can do fun stuff and spend the time together, which is great, and we do have a good time. but then when we do have the kids at the weekend he seems to dislike doing "family" type stuff as he finds it "twee" so we end up just doing boring stuff like food shopping etc, which he also hates anyway. :(

sorry for long post, not sure what i'm asking, just want him to be happy and for us to be a happy family.

Can you come to a compromise. Maybe have the odd evening / day out without the children and he gets more involved in family activities. maybe he needs to spend some time parenting the children alone so he gets to know and enjoy them a bit better. i've never seen the point of whole families (couples even) trailing round the supermarket when one of you can go and the other could take the children swimming, to the park or even read to them or play in the garden.

Ultimately you're not responsible for his happiness and he needs to adapt to growing older / putting the children first at least some of the time.

Sounds like he finds being a Dad too much like hard work. What does he like, can any of his hobbies and interests be incorporated into the weekend with the children? A few of my friends husbands don't really enjoy family days out and I suppose to an extent I can see why so can you compromise on some activities.

Also I enjoy a bit of child free time as well, but the less leisure time he spends with the children, the less well he will be able to cope with it. You have just had a child free holiday but I would hope that you aren't planning that every year, you can only build up happy memories with children and a good relationship if you put some work into it, thats for him not for you btw.

Perhaps you could approach it from the angle that it would make you happy if he spent more time with them did an activity from time to time as he seems to value your relationship much more than the DCs.

I read this a few hours ago and my first impulse was to say tell him to grow up.

I still feel that way about it, but there may be a deeper circumstance.
Does he see the dc as actual people? Or does he see the dc as dehumanized parasites standing in the way of his having fun?

Being a happy family, imho, is the group of people acknowledging that they are all on the same team, and that is a 2 way street-adults to kids and kids (teens ) to adults. It doesn't sound like your dh wants your dc on his team.

I may be off base here, but sometimes analogies can help. Hth.

Yeah it sounds like it is taking some getting used to, being a dad

^that^ bit of your post made me laugh privateparts :o as forgot to mention in my OP - he was married before for years and had 3 DC, oldest 2 of which were stepDC, so i would say he has had about 20 years to "get used" to being a dad. so its not like its new to him. i could almost understand it if he had gone from being single, no kids at 40 to having an instant family but he hasn't.

i even ask him what he used to do with his previous family at weekends and get a non committal answer, my guess is probably pretty much the same as what we do which is him huffing about being miserable and hating doing family stuff.

Super - does he have any hobbies (hate that word) but you know what I mean.

My DH does a lot of moutain biking so at weekends he normally does some of that, we try and do something together as a family and I try and go out on my own shopping or to meet a friend for coffee. And in an ideal world we go out for dinner on our own.

But I do try and get food shopping and dull stuff done in the week or as much as I can.

Do also think the post-holiday and turning 40 thing is pretty powerful for making someone feel a bit down. Perhaps you need to book something else in to look forward to and he needs to go on a health regime.

What strikes me is the language you use vixen- he HAD 3 kids, his PREVIOUS family. They are still his dc. Does he see them at all? Or does he actually find it that difficult being a father that he'd just not bother?

It does sound like he's being a bit of a selfish prick, for whatever reason. If he's harping on the age-related stuff, then yes, he's probably thinking something along the lines of his life slipping away from him and he's stuck doing family stuff instead of abseiling down the Eiffel Tower or conquering K2 or whatever his ambition was.

Try to find out what he wanted to do with his life when he was a teen or a young man - then see if any of it has been achieved - focus on his achievements (I know this is pandering a bit, I'd be tempted to kick him up the arse actually but that may prove counter-productive!) and try and frame everything in a positive light so he can see that what he HAS done has all been worthwhile.

And find out if he's being passed over at work for younger blokes - that usually causes Ishoos.

If there isn't anything behind it, tell him to grow the fuck up and be happy that you still want to be with him but it could change if he continues to whinge on about getting older and being such a miserable fuck at the weekends. If you want to, that is.

yeah he does have a hobby, he plays drums mrsc

he is in a band, but they are a covers band who do paid gigs in places like working mens clubs etc, so its like another job for him, he gets on with the guys in his band but he hates the songs they play, he is a rocker type but they play tame MOR stuff which he doesn't like playing. so although its his "hobby" he kind of doesn't like it at the same time IYSWIM.

we have discussed booking a night away to look forward to soon, i think we will. which will be great but i want him to love life as a family not just love the time we get as a twosome. i want us to take the DC to the seaside even for a few days but DH is making "we can't afford it" type noises. and now I feel bad for agreeing to go to LA when we could have done something cheaper then done something with the DC too.

it probably doesn't sound like it but he is a brilliant dad, he loves the DC and he does a lot for them.

i probably shouldn't moan, i am sure there's people out there who have got real problems.

thumbwitch loving your post :) esp the last paragraph :)

he has achieved everything he wanted to. he was a semi pro footballer when he was young but his exW didn't like him playing so he gave it up, which is sad but that was years and years ago. and he has a good job in a management position earning ok money so i can't see any possible unachieved ambitions really. and I always tell him how proud i am of him (and i am!)

boobooglass he doesn't see his DC from his prev marriage as she doesn't want to anymore :( long story but she decided to cut him off when he re married (me) and won't see him. she is only 15 and we are hoping she will come round when she grows up a bit. and the other kids were stepDC and they are adults now. they never wanted to see him anyway.

Am i right in thinking the LA holiday was meant to be make or break ( apologies if I have that wrong) and it appears to have neither made or broken anything.
Was your DC together planned - sorry if too personal, as you didn't have much time alone together before you got pregnant so maybe he is regretting it all happening so fast.

Holidays are great and a little bit of kid free time is good as well, but to be talking about booking more time away when you are just back from a 2 week holiday from the children does not seem to be the right balance to me.

I don't really know what to say though, like the other poster I don't think boot up the backside is the way to go, but on the otherhand it does seem as if you might be pandering to him somewhat and he does need to get a bit of a grip. Football with the kids if he is good at that maybe?

This is what stands out to me: he's done it all before. And for all the work/commitment he put in, nothing has come of it. That's heartbreaking - he was a father to two kids who weren't even his, and now they don't want to know him. His own daughter doesn't want to know him. the poor guy is probably devastated.

So that's another gut-wrenching disappointment re losing his kids, also the great promise he had as a young man re football (don't underestimate that, it's huge imo). Then he's in some dorky band playing stuff he can't stand and is embarrassed by - he's hardly fulfilled. Things probably look a bit pointless to him.

I think it does sound a bit mid-life-crisis thingy, particularly as he's going on about feeling 'old' (btw, tell him that grey on a man looks WHOAR (imho) ). But I don't think that's the whole picture. I wouldn't be surprised if he just cna't do the whole parenting thing again because he's so hurt by how his last family turned out. He'll probably deny it but I'd bet he is.

Counselling. horse/water - you could go together? I don't think this is going to get better on its own OP. Don't make a deal out of it, just a kind of MOT for your relationship? tbh I wish more people would do it instead of thinking that counselling is for when everything has totally broken down...

I wish you could edit on here!

I meant to stress more the fact that he's done it all before (aside that it has all come to nothing). I think that if I had a fresh round of it at 40 when I'd already done it and know exactly what it entails, I'd be a bit reluctant (or horrified!) too! it sounds like he's spent his entire life being a parent - he had his daughter when he was 25: that's young for a bloke. Now he's 40 and the kids are so small, he knows he won't be 'free' for a long time yet