Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Told exh want it to end......sad :( at his reaction. Did I not mean anything to him??? :(

23 replies

Allalone0 · 03/06/2011 23:53

I will have been separated from exh for 2yrs in july and previously been married to him and lived with him for 13yrs. We have 3dcs. I have been fed up with the situation for a very long time, but haven't said anything and today said to exh I'm fed up of living like this, as he's using the fact that we are still legally married to try and control me. I am still reliant on him financially somewhat till i can get a job, as we have a joint mortgage and i cant pay as dont have much money coming in. I have been trying to hang on in there for sake of dcs, so as not to distress them by having to leave their home which they are familiar with. I dont want to destabilise them.
But today I just couldnt take anymore and said 'i have had enough' i want him to lose the power and control he has over me.
I never said it like that exactly, but his reaction was that "fine, do what makes u happy. when do u want it today, 2moro???" i was really upset by this as i have tried so hard over the yrs to please him and to make it work

OP posts:

Original poster

Allalone0 · 04/06/2011 00:01

This is not how i wished it to be or for it to end this way. And i am certainly not happy abt it!! He was my 1st and i always believed he would be my last. I really loved hima nd cared abt him. I wanted our lives to be perfect and happy 2gewther but he was abusivementally, emotionally and at times physicaly.
Im just sad at how little he cares and the lack of sadness on his behalf. Could he not show the slightest bit of decency just at the end of the marriage, or is that too much to ask. It feels like hes still trying to hurt me, anyway he can :(

OP posts:

MindyMacready · 04/06/2011 00:32

Sorry you didn't get the response you were hoping for (what ever that was), but what did you expect? Him to be imploring, broken hearted? You have been apart for two years.

I'm sure you're making the right decision about finalising things, which in itself is a sad thing, but you shouldn't be double guessing your Dh's reactions, no good will come of it.

BluddyMoFo · 04/06/2011 00:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Allalone0 · 04/06/2011 01:12

Thank you for your response.
A part of me wants him to be sad, as it will mean finalising the end of what used to be 'us' once!
But in terms of when he said "do what makes u happy...etc etc" he didnt mean it that he WAS happy to finalise everything, but he was trying to make me feel like im being selfish and breaking up our marriage completely, just for my own selfish desire to do so. As he has so many times told me that i have messed up his, mine and dcs lives by separating from him!
A part of me wants him to show abit of decency and calmly finalise things for good. But he isnt, in the past 2 yrs he has not been cooperating when sorting out contact with dcs and money. I have had to try so many times with him to get something sorted out, but had to give up as its emotionally draining. I have had to resort to just staying quiet, till he decides what he wants to do. He has been having regular contact with dcs just for a few wks now.
He is giving me the guilt trip now....:(

OP posts:

EricNorthmansMistress · 04/06/2011 08:46

Maybe after 2 years of being 'separated' but with you still 'trying hard' he doesn't believe you will see it through? It sounds like a bit of a messed up situation (he gets to live elsewhere and do what he likes with you still in the family home, trying to 'make it work' (sleeping with him? cooking his meals?) I think you have done the right thing by ending it properly, try to stick to it.

Original poster

Allalone0 · 04/06/2011 09:16

Eric..when I saud 'trying hard to make it work' I was talking about when we were 'together', the whole of the 13yrs before we separated.
I am no longer 'sleeping with him' or 'cooking his meals'.
Like I said before he was abusive, and left me feeling like I'm nothing without him. It was a very scary and big step for me to finally want to separate from him.

OP posts:

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 04/06/2011 10:49

Look, this is just another way in which this knob is never going to give you what you want. He doesn't WANT to give you what you want. He LIKES you being unhapy and anxious. Get rid of him and don't look back.

colditz · 04/06/2011 10:57

Take him at his word and do whatever makes you happy

EricNorthmansMistress · 04/06/2011 11:27

Ok I got the wrong end of the stick. I wasn't trying to be cruel - but I don't understand how you have been separated for two years yet only finishing it now. surely you both did your grieving two years ago? Or if not, there have been blurred boundaries of some sort for the past two years, hence why your 'ending' of it now isn't taken seriously. Or on the other hand he's a cruel twat and you should try to stop caring about what he does or doesn't do.

lazarusb · 04/06/2011 14:15

He is controlling you. Everything he does and says to you is for his own satisfaction. I bet he isn't expecting you to take it any further now. Personally I'd be at the solicitors finding out where I stood financially and then ask them to set the ball rolling.

Original poster

Allalone0 · 05/06/2011 13:09

Its ok ERIC.
But the reason for maybe taking so long to finish it, could well be that after having invested so much time and energy into this marriage I didnt want to give up so quickly, I wanted to be sure I was making the right decision. It was not something I wanted to take lightly and also maybe because I had very little confidence and strength to actually take such a big decision. I had to begin by concentrating on myself to build up my confidence and strength. I had to pick myself up off the floor.

Laza, colditz and SCG Thanks for your posts, you kinda summed up what I was thinking.

In the past starting from a few weeks into our marriage he was being really horrible to me, yet still claiming to love me. I would feel that this is not how you treat someone you love and so would ask him to just tell me verbally what he was telling me by his actions that he didn't love me cos it felt like he didnt. So i could leave him and move on with my life, but he would refuse to do that and would still claim to love me.
It felt that he wanted to keep me hanging in the air and didnt want to be so easy on me by being straightforward with me. Like he wanted to keep on punishing me. :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Allalone0 · 05/06/2011 13:12

p.s. reading up on others threads, could he be a narcissist?

OP posts:

lazarusb · 05/06/2011 13:50

He sounds very much like a narcissist to me. My ex was shocked when I left him after 6 years of abuse (of different kinds) and telling me often he wanted me to have a threesome and let him sleep with other women. When I look back now I think I hurt his pride more than anything else. He never thought for a moment that I would leave. If he'd ended it, it would be different, but this was me taking control and it didn't go down well.

Snorbs · 05/06/2011 13:58

He could simply be an arsehole. Not everyone who's a crap partner has a personality disorder.

If there is one lesson I've learned from my ex is that when faced with someone whose words and actions don't match then a) pay attention to what they do, not what they say and b) run the fuck away. People like that are broken and you can't fix them.

Original poster

Allalone0 · 05/06/2011 14:03

Thats how I feel about the sort of reaction i hve gotten from him. There seems to be a lack of sadness about the 'end' of the marriage for good, but more to do with his 'hurt pride' and ego that i am considering making this permanent change.

OP posts:

Omigawd · 05/06/2011 14:06

I'm sorry you didn't get the response you were expecting, and while to label him a knob, arsehole, narcissist etc may comfort you, it seems to me a more practical assumption is that he's accepted that its over and you haven't. You need to do so for your own well being IMO, or else you will always feel he controls you in some way.

Original poster

Allalone0 · 05/06/2011 14:12

Snorbs It does feel to me that he is messed up in the head to some extent. Its as though his 'reality' seems to be different to mine. He would tell me that it was 'mine' that was messed up and so i believed him to some extent, and tried to change it to fit in with his. Its taken me along time to realise that although i dont know exactly 'how' people who love you behave, they dont treat u the way he has been doing.
I suposed i have also tried to 'help' him in someway and to help him to 'sort himself out'.

OP posts:

purplepidjin · 05/06/2011 14:40

This is another way to control you.

He knows that what you want is tears, heartbreak and fuss. He sounds like an arsehole who will therefore give you the exact opposite of what he perceives you to want.

Use it as evidence that you really are well shot of him!

Earlybird · 05/06/2011 15:35

IMO, he is not being mean or controlling, but rather has accepted that the marriage is over - and is being practical rather than sentimental.

What reaction were you wanting from him?

You say:
' .....I am still reliant on him financially somewhat till i can get a job...'

What is stopping you from getting a job so you can be less reliant and connected to him? You've been living apart for 2 years already so I don't understand why you haven't taken steps to move your life forward to a more independent place?

lazarusb · 05/06/2011 15:57

Based on your other threads I would say he is controlling. Please get yourself to a solicitor and work out what you want.

Original poster

Allalone0 · 05/06/2011 16:03

I have taken steps t move my life forward. It is hard for everyone to understand what you have been through, and the effect it has on you as a person unless they have been through the same themselves.

I have in these 2 years tried to undo the damage he has done to me!
I have like i said before 'picked myself up off the floor' and tried to get my confidence back so i can move forward. I have almost completed a teaching course, so i can increase my employability chances. as i had previously been a sahm with mot much qualifications and experience.
There are alot of people out there like mewho want to work, but increasing unemployment rates isnt helping!

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 05/06/2011 16:37

He's still trying to play you and he's succeeding. Abusers are very good at messing with your head and look what he's done! You're all upset.

You know what you want. Move on.

lazarusb · 05/06/2011 20:21

I would look at this way - you started from scratch 2 years ago and began to rebuild your life. (I have been in your shoes, it feels like another life now).

Look at what YOU have achieved in the last 2 years! Your confidence is growing, you have learnt and developed skills which will help you find a job and greater independence. Don't forget, during this time you have also been a great Mum and supported your dcs in every way possible. Of course it's been difficult at times, you've escaped a controlling and abusive person who still wants you to answer to him, but you aren't going to are you...

How has he moved on? Nowhere close to the way you have I'll bet. That's what he doesn't like. Stop answering to him. You don't need to and you don't have to! You are a strong, independent women. Stop worrying about what he thinks and live your life for you and your dcs. You just need to believe in yourself.

Flip