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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I tested DP and he failed

24 replies

EpicFail80 · 03/06/2011 20:35

DP has lied to me loads in the past and after a break up we got together on the condition that he would never, ever be untruthful to me again. So anyway to make sure (because I couldn't trust his word on this) I read his email for a while and he was still lying to me about little, insignificant things but lying nevertheless. I have always had it at the back of my mind that if he got the opportunity to go with someone else, he would in a heart beat. So I put him to the test by sending him an email from a newly made yahoo account claiming to have spoken to him a few times online and would he be interested in exchanging mobile numbers and maybe going for a coffee one day. He replied the same day with his mobile number and a silly message about how he'd love to go for coffee etc.

So what do I do now because to be fair, he hasn't actually done anything wrong yet, the intention is there but that's through ME being deceitful to begin with!! He's only done wrong because of MY actions.

I'm more confused about this than I thought I would be. It shows the intention to cheat is there though, right?

OP posts:

Lizzabadger · 03/06/2011 20:39

Why on earth would you want to be with someone you can't trust?

Do you think he has NPD?

K999 · 03/06/2011 20:40

You clearly don't trust him so not sure why you would want a relationship with him?

BitOfFun · 03/06/2011 20:42

Bit quick off the draw with the ol' NPD thing, I think; he does sound like a faithless twat though.

AnnieLobeseder · 03/06/2011 20:43

If my DH was arranging coffee dates with random people off the internet, he would be out of the door before he could blink. That is not the normal behaviour of someone in a relationship.

And, as has been said, why do you want to stay in a relationship with someone you don't trust? Trust is essential, in my book.

RuthChan · 03/06/2011 20:44

I agree with Lizzabadger.
For me trust is one of the fundamental basics in a relationship.
With trust you can get through almost anything, without it there is nothing but doubt.
You have already broken up and got back together once.
You need to think about whether this relationship is really making you happy and is really what you want.

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 03/06/2011 20:45

Oh I'm so sad for you, you really wanted to trust him didn't you?

I'm sorry to say I think you'd be better off without him the feckless twunt.

Baggypussy · 03/06/2011 20:45

Yep, intention's there all right. Think it's called a Honeytrap.

I really, really think you're better off without.

But...as a revenge tactic and to make sure you get the last laugh (and to hopefully teach him a lesson he won't forget too), I'd be tempted to ramp it up a bit. Get him flirting with non existing woman etc, arrange a date between him and 'her'..and turn up yourself. Preferably with your mates as reinforcement.

Childish, I know. But it would show him up for being the dick that he is, and give you the last laugh.

LeChatRouge · 03/06/2011 20:46

Why don't you arrange to have a coffee as this fictitious person, then you turn up, watch his face realise the truth and then tell him to bog off?

Do you feel you deserve better? Do you want to feel safe, happy, secure and loved? Do you want to grow old with someone who cares for you, protects you, wants the best for you and loves you?

Original poster

EpicFail80 · 03/06/2011 20:48

Yes LeChat, I do. I will do the fictional date thing and use the opportunity to tell him we're over.

OP posts:

ohmyfucksy · 03/06/2011 20:50

Don't see the point of him tbh. Have you got kids?

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 03/06/2011 20:50

Love Baggypussy's idea. With mates.

You do need to get rid in any event.

Eurostar · 03/06/2011 20:53

You took him back on a condition, he has failed the condition. If you stay now nothing will ever change so it's time to decide if you want a life of being lied to and being cheated on if he get's the opportunity.

Lizzabadger · 03/06/2011 20:54

Excellent plan!

LeChatRouge · 03/06/2011 20:59

Ahh, I do feel for you. Horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach when life suddenly changes direction beyond your control.

I promise you that you'll be ok after some time to recover and reflect. Use this summer to get out there and have some fun, challenge yourself to do some fun things with friends, set some goals and plans so you have things to look forward to on really down days.

Expect some crap days and think of them as normal and part of the process and the healing will begin.

mummakaz · 03/06/2011 22:02

I agree with others, I would arrange a date and then meet him. Would love to see the look on idiots face

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 03/06/2011 22:18

epic I really really feel for you. Yes, it's a great plan to catch him out, and, if this was in Eastenders or Corrie it would make compulsive viewing. However, this is RL, YOUR RL and it must hurt like hell.

This man is not good for you and never will be I'm afraid. Let him go, claw back your confidence and self respect and, in time, life will get better.

Wish you all the best xx

VerintheWhite · 04/06/2011 11:43

I would arrange a date, ask him to wait if you are a little late, arrange it a little way away.

Then have his bags packed for when he gets home.

I wouldnt waste my time on meeting him to tell him its over or on drama.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 04/06/2011 11:45

I wouldn't waste my time playing games, tbh. Just tell him it's over and move on.

BooyHoo · 04/06/2011 11:49

dump his ass.

some people cannot be honest. it's a self preservation sort of thing. my EXP was exactly teh same. he desperatley wanted to be able to tell me everything but then he kept doing things that he knew would upset me and so to save himself from the fall-out he lied.

it was part of my very long list for dumping him.

SilveryMoon · 04/06/2011 11:58

As much as Baggy's Idea is a fab one, tbh, I wouldn't even bother wasting my time or energy on it.
I'd just let him go, he'll be stood up by his 'date' he'll then come home and find his things packed and waiting by the door.

Mine and my dp's relationship is far from perfect, but trust is 1 thing that is unquestionable.
I'm sorry you landed such a loser

piratecat · 04/06/2011 12:04

to even test him you never trusted him in the first place.

I would just get the bags ready, i wouldn't pack them. He can.

quirrelquarrel · 05/06/2011 09:15

Babooshka...?

On a serious note, I agree with the others on here, but I think calls to end a relationship are a little severe maybe. Couldn't you confront him, but first make sure that you have a foolproof way of justifying your own (understandable) dishonesty so he doesn't catch onto that and avoid talking about his own?

Wisedupwoman · 05/06/2011 18:56

You don't say how long you broke up for OP, but it sounds like it wasn't long enough for you to really detach from him. So now you're in exactly the same position as before.

I'd say the content of the lies is maybe not as relevant as the way you fit together as a couple. It's the classic pursuer/distancer scenario. Who made the decision to break up and who initiated your getting back together?

TBH I think if this has set the tone of your relationship so far it's probably always going to be like that, and that's ok if you can live with it. But if you can't and neither of you are up for making real changes, then you're probably better off in the long run just separating now (before your fears are realised).

Good luck.

Hassled · 05/06/2011 19:01

Move on. You know enough now, really, don't you? No use prolonging the agony.

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