Lack of sex drive after 18 months - any magic cures???

[veryvintage]

Ok, where to start.

My little gisrl is now 18 months old and I have a good relationship with my husband (I suppose we're best friends). He's a great daddy and a supportive husband and all that.

Problem is that even after 18 months the thought of sex just makes we want to run out of the room.

We have had sex since DD was born although very sporadically. I used to have a good sex drive, on a level with DH but since Isobel arrived I just cant be bothered. The first few times we had sex after the birth it was quite uncomfortable and poor DH didn't last very long so it all felt a bit like a waste of time... when i could be sleeping!

The thought of it makes me feel really anxious - I cringe whenever he kisses me because I feel like if I kiss him back we'll have to have sex. I get all panicky. I've made a real conscious effort to try and want to have sex, but even when I'm doing it I really just want it to be over. Its got to the point that I avoid phsicaly contact with him.

Its got worse recently since people (including DH) have begun applying pressure r.e. baby #2. He's given up even trying now.

I feel miserable because I feel like everyone else is at it like rabbits and I'm just a frigid old house wife. I want to be the old me again, but I dont know how. I feel massive guilt for being a 'bad wife' and not giving DH the affection he deserves.

I used to be a big city career girl and now struggle with bieng a full time mum/ housewife. I do feel I've lost my identity/ like a dull drudge/ trapped in a monotonous routine/ fat and unatractive. I wonder if I need to reolve these struggles some how to feel better... but of course not sure where to start.

Why am I like this? How can I get my mojo back? Is 18 months a long time to feel like this?

I just feel awful.

Well, they say it takes about 2 years to get back to feeling yourself after having a baby so you're within a continuum of what's 'normal'. It is a dramatic life event .

Was it a traumatic birth? Do you want another baby - are you frightened of getting pregnant again?

Two years? Really?! It feels like such a strian on our relationship that its a wonder couples survive.

I dont think it was a particulalry traumatic birth so I don tthink thats it.

I feel like I have have to have other children because I dont want Isobel do be an only child. I'm not feeling any maternal urge for more babies. I suppose I am frightenend of getting pregnant again.

In many ways I feel that having DD had such a massive impact on my life and I dont really have my head around it, or feel really happy with my life as a mummy/ wife.

I wonder whether I have a tinger of post natal depression. But dont really want to pursue that thought for fear of being a wimp. How do you know if you're depressed?

List of symptoms of depression here. If you suspect depression, do get treated. It's not wimpish and it can be addressed quite successfully. It could explain a lot of what you're feeling, including your loss of libido. No point struggling on, when it could be resolved.

Being an only child isn't bad, so don't feel obliged to have another for some imagined need, if you don't feel you want another. Not worth running the risk of resenting a second child. But you may find, if it is depression, you will feel differently when you come out the other side.

I have no advice to offer veryvintage other than to say you could be describing me exactly a few months ago. Ds is nearly 2 now and it's only been the last few weeks that things have started to get back on track IFKWIM. I'm now pg with dd2 and was initially rather dreading the starting from scratch thing again as I didn't really enjoy the first 18 months of being a full time mum, but I've now got my head around it a bit more and feel a lot less low about myself.

I don't know what changed and I still don't feel like being ravished every night, but things have definitely improved. Perhaps it has been a combination of small things like ds becoming (a little) less demanding, feeling better about myself as a result and a few other small random things, but things have gradually felt a bit more positive in our relationship.

Hope things improve for you.

play sport/jogg together...take it slowly...nice slow baths with agreement not to go all the way takes the pressure off

Also, until you start sleeping and exercising and generally feeling good and valued especially by DH, you are unlikely to want to jump in the sac anytime soon

Can you go back to work? It doesn't sound like being a SAHM suits you. And really don't feel pressured into conceiving a sibling for your daughter. I think research shows that only children do very well in life on lots of measures.

You need to set aside some 'you' time and some partner time.

You can only make someone else feel good if you feel good yousrelf and that involves feeling like something other than a housewife and mother. Excercise or time to get your hair and nails done will make you feel good about yourself.

Can you get a babysitter and do this?

You and your partner need to re connect on a mental/intimacy level before you can think about sex. Maybe a meal out away from the baby to talk. Perhaps get him to give you a no strings massage to see if that makes you feel aroused and relaxed?

Do you masturbate? Sorry, I know thats quite persoal but It's also a good way to get yourself back into the swing of things without the pressure!

Thank you so much for all your replies, its reassuring to know that I am 'normal'. I went away on a hen weekend this weekend and although it was great to have some time off now that I am back in the house and on duty again I feel very low and teary again. I think perhaps I should investigate the depression thing.

I think perhaps lizzabadger is right and that I should consider getting back in to some kind of work - although where to start/ what to do etc all sems incredibly daunting. I used to be so full of confidence and it all seems to have disappeared!

Hi i have had the same problem but for much longer, i went on the pill femulen and my libido came back in waves!!! however my boyfriend now has my problem - ho hum! but it's worth a try!

Could be something as simple as hormones. Feeling tearful can also be hormonal. Have your periods come back and are they regular? Diet can also play a big part. If you eat a lot of sugar and carbs they make you feel lethargic and if you are missing some micro-nutrients the last thing on your mind will be horny sex! Do you take a nutritional supplement? Do you get a lot of colds and is your skin and hair suffering? Usually you can tell from looking at your skin and hair if you're a bit run down (common after having a baby and having a child to look after (stress related))! Could also be lack of self esteem or not feeling very attractive which can happen after a baby too - you're so busy looking after someone else and just getting all the chores done, that it's hard to focus on yourself. I agree that taking some time for yourself and time together as a couple may help. Do something you find relaxing too - if you feel stressed or tense it's hard to feel sexy!

Do get contraception sorted out too. Pregnancy, even if you want another baby, is a big strain on your body and mind, that takes time to recover from, so it's understandable that even if you want another child at some point, you might not feel ready yet. If you don't want another baby, or don't feel ready for another one just yet, you need to talk to him about this. It will definitely put you off sex if you're worrying about getting pregnant!

Gourd: "if you are missing some micro-nutrients the last thing on your mind will be horny sex!"

Brilliant - that's made me chuckle merrily. I never thought that my (or anyone's) sex drive was regulated by the amount of selenium I'd taken that morning.

Usually my sex drive is inspired by being with someone I fancy, with time to spend with them and some Barry Manilow. Turns out it's all about the minerals I've been eating.

Just to add to the nutrients thing - aluminium may be worth a try, it depleted during pregnancy and breastfeeding and can contribute to the touched out feeling xxx