Advice Please! - Husband has stopped sex and looks at porn and hookup sites

[lilysmum69]

Dear All, I am really starting to feel very isolated, alone and sad.
When I was about six months pregnant my husband stopped having sex w me. He said he didnt want to hurt the baby. I said it wouldnt and asked that we could still have sex, but he really went off it and started staying up late alone w the computer. Now our daughter is 7 months old and I have asked as nicely as I can if we can have sex again. Now he says he doesnt want me to get pregnant, I have suggested condoms ( dont want to go on the pill) but still no joy. I have no problem w him watching porn and would rather watch it with him. But I have now found out he is looking and writing to people on craigslist to meet up with, he is chatting to women online and wanking to live interctive video chat and asking women for their phone numbers for phone sex. He has also starting googling brothels in the area. Its making me so sad. I love him and want our relationship to work, I want to have sex and a healthy sex life. The last time I brought up him spending time online with other women was once about two years ago, he go really defensive, would not speak to me for a week or two, I worked really hard to get things going again and we have had a good relationship until this all started again.
I dont know how to even start...I am so exhausted at the end of the day I have to be in bed early and I allways ask if he wants to come to bed, but he allways stays up on his own to jerk off...
I am feeling very alone and its getting harder not easier to care for our daughter...

totally agree with mummakaz. He absolutely knows he's doing wrong and he's trying to swerve the issue, making it difficult for you to talk about it so you won't want to bring it up.
He puts you down for being 'popular' because he's scared if you socialise you'll realise there are better people than him out there. Don't try and modify your behaviour to suit, that makes me so sad!! It is him that should be modifying his behaviour to suit!!!

can...should be can't.

His father was super controlling with him as a kid, he was hit, threatened, and made to feel pretty worthless, when I first met him he was nothing like his father (the complete opposite), we have been married for a year but together for seven, he only started acting out like his dad since I was pregnant (bad role model I think) I know he has self esteem issues because of how his father treated him

This is not an example of a healthy relationship to show to your daughter. She, and you, deserve so much better than this.

yes scaredofcows you are right about my daughter, the sad thing is I thought he would be a brilliant dad :(

Of course you did, I'm sure you wouldn't have had a child with him if not. But you need to look to her future as well as your own. She will thrive with an independent, happy mummy. She won't with this situation as it stands now.

I'm going to really echo what everyone else has said but you really need to confront him. It's one thing to go off sex when you/your partner is pregnant. I know from my own experience that the thought of it when i was pregnant actually turned my stomach but if your daughter is 7 months old and he still isn't interested then i think the issue runs deeper than that.

Also you say you had the same issue 2 years ago and you weren't pregnant then. Im sorry to say this but it actually sounds like he doesn't care very much about you. Sit him down and talk about all the issues but try to be strong and let him know that his behaviour is unacceptable! I hope you manage to sort out your differences.

It seems that fatherhood flicked a switch and your DH reverted to the only fatherly role model he had....his own controlling father.

yes the modifying of behaviour makes me sad too...
until now I had normalised it, I can see from what a few of you are saying its not normal at all,
oh dear this has really opened up a lot of issues for me, i had a look at the abuse link, and i could tick lots of the points they listed
i'm going to have to have a chat tonight with hubby
i'm not looking forward to it at all

I have noticed in the past that when I have been upset by his behaviour that he turns it around as if I am the one attacking, when in fact all I wanted was for him to understand that something he was doing was upsetting for me

BTW he doesnt know that I know about what he gets up to on the internet at the moment, its just that I have come across things when cleaning up files on the computer that give it away, he doesnt opening do these things at present

openly

I have to say I agree with the other posters on here. Speaking as a man (who occasionally watches porn) I think he has definitely crossed a line if he is looking up brothels and using interactive wank fodder. His behaviour also seems to be mirroring that of his father. He is definitely controlling you in an unhealthy way. Also, did you ever find out why his clothes were inside out that time he ran off? That seems really strange to me. To the extent where I would almost consider if he has mental health issues. I'm sorry you're going through this but he has to modify his behaviour big time if you two are to have a relationship. good luck. x

Sorry errant kiss on end of message - too used to texting my wife. It's become a habit.

In that case, you have lots of evidence to confront him with. He will absolutely try to turn it round and make you feel like you are the unreasonable one. Be strong and don't let him- you are absolutely justified in confronting him and don't forget it. He knows you are in the right and he is in the wrong, that's why he will try to deflect the blame. Be strong!!

Thanks everyone,
also very happy to hear from a male point of view about where they see lines being drawn on what is acceptable or not

In regards to the clothes, by the time I found him he was so drunk he couldnt stand up and cant remember what happened to his clothes, I just let it slide at the time.

Ok, so last night I had a reasonably good chat w hubby about the no sex part of things, yes I know its the easiest part, seems he thought that it could go on indefinately in his head the way things have been,

i explained that I had needs too and that it was getting me down, he tried to say that since he has seen me give birth it has changed things, I stressed that it wasnt good enough and he agreed to give it more of a go, and make more of an effort with being closer to me physically with me, its a start, I dropped some pretty heavy hints that I didnt want him getting it somewhere else and he seemed to get it,

I know its not the great confrontation that many of you think I should have, but its a relationship I would like to keep not rip to shreds, and I feel that ripping my partner to bits is not very productive, so I am taking the slow and steady road, for me it feels safer and more comfortable as I only have so much energy for this with my bub so young and I need to be there for her and not a hysterical mess

talking to him I realised how in his head he is about it all, we actually had a really nice night together and I felt closer to him than I have in ages, I stayed up much later than I would and i could see when it was time for sleeping he was still itching to stay up after me, suggested watching another film knowing full well that I couldnt day up to watch it, but then did not, and came to bed at the same time as me,

for me its a start but we still have a long way to go, still havnt gotten to the bottom of the trust issue...but little steps are good for me

has anyone else had to have these kind of conversations? how did they go?

Oh Lily

Again you are trying to save an ultimately failing relationship here. It is failing because of him also using methods to control and belittle you all the time. Abuse like this is insidious in its onset and abusers too can be very plausible to those in the outside world. He is doing exactly what his own father did; this is learnt behaviour and not easily undone. He has not seemingly expressed any real remorse for what has happened.

I would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

You have not ripped this relationship to shreds; he has. He has also ripped you emotionally to bits. His excuses are just those, excuses. He was like this before you became pg by him. You have modified your behaviour as well to suit his; another red flag amongst so many in your relationship here.

A series of chats initiated by you is not going to solve this at all and you cannot and should not take ownership of his issues.

My friend has had similar kinds of conversations and it ultimately achieved nothing. Infact I would actually suggest you have counselling solely for your own self.

What are you both teaching your DD about relationships here?. Would you want her ultimately to have a relationship like yours?. No. But what you are saying to her is that all this is currently acceptable to you.

Lily I cannot believe that your dp gets jealous at you speaking to other men yet he is looking up brothels!!

Why are you pussy footing around him? I would have gone nuts as soon as I found this out and I would never trust him again. He doesn't want sex wth you and also doesn't expect to to ever have any attention off other men either? Would he like you to become a nun?

I'm sorry Lily, but you need to seriously toughen up.

Is he still looking for casual meet-ups from craigslist? If you want to continue this non-relationship you must insist he uses condoms when you're together.

His porn use is the least of your worries. Craigslist is full of (1) men in relationships willing to offer 'financial incentives' for sex, (2) skint women desperate for money and (3) prostitutes pretending to be skint 'students' desperate for money. Men use craigslist and brothels interchangeably and telling him you want him to fancy you and not these strangers isn't going to magically switch on some dormant 'off' switch in his brain/penis.

lily
do you want your DCs growing up thinking that it is either acceptable to be treated this way or to treat others this way. Your H won't change - why should he if he is comfortable with where he is? There is someone who he cares for deeply in this relationship and that is him and him only. It is scary but all he is giving you are tidbits to keep you hooked. He does not want to solve the problem as to him there isn't one. He has checked out of this relationship - you must too otherwise you will simply be his doormat.