Should we "force" SD to speak to her mum? Please help (long)

[pinkbraces]

I have not put this on the step board as I dont just want responses from Step Parents.

My 14 yr old DSD moved in with my husband and I about 5 weeks ago. The move was quick and traumatic for her, it was a culmination of what we now know is at least 6 years of verbal abuse from her mum. This came in the form of shouting, screaming, more recently in front of her friends and in the middle of the street :(. She has also been treated as an emotional punch bag.

My DH has been to her school and GP, she is now on the waiting list for the school counsellor and has been referred to a counsellor by the GP. If we dont get appointments soon we will go privately, she is desperate to unload to someone and sees the counsellor as a way forward.

She is adamant that she will not speak to or see her mum, she says that when she is ready she will meet her mum in a public place, but not before.

Her mum is texting her a lot and leaving voice mails which upset my SD. My DH has asked SD to text her mum occasionally but we dont know if she has done so.

My DH is getting lots of abuse from his ex, saying that he is keeping SD from her mum, and that he is allowing SD to have her own way and not speak to mum. Please bear in mind SD gets very upset if we try and suggest she talks to her mum.

As you can imagine this is a very short summary of what has happened, if I wrote it out in full it would be like a novel!

So, do we try and force her to see her mum? Although Im not sure how?

Just to add, my DH is keeping his ex informed re counselling etc. She totally disagrees with why SD left home, she says its just a teen thing - Its Not. The mother will never accept responsibility for how she has treated her daughter, apparently SD shouldnt be so "sensitive".

I don't think you should force her at all to be honest.

I have a daughter the same age and I trust her judgement - I think you should let her decide and guide you to be honest.

The poor girl - I am glad she has you on her side.

thanks Fergoose, we feel so guilty we didnt know how bad it was, we knew her relationship with her mum wasnt brilliant but had no idea how bad it was.

think Im just worried that we are not doing the right thing and we dont have a clue who to ask. We are hoping once she is in counselling the counsellor can help us to do the right things

This girl's mother sounds like a toxic parent by not wanting to take any responsibility for her actions and calling her own daughter "sensitive". I would yourself read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

Your SD may not be ready for some considerable time, years even now, to meet her mother in a public place.

Has your DH sought legal advice re possible residence issues?.

This poor child has been through more than enough re her mother already, you cannot and must not force this child to see her own mother if she does not want to (and that is understandable on her part if she has already been subjected to six years of verbal abuse at her mothers hands). Your stepdaughter needs love, consistency and affection from you and her Dad. I would keep her mother out of the loop because of her unwillingness to accept any responsibility.

I would also says that counsellors are like shoes, your SD needs to find one that fits with her. She may well find that the first counsellor she sees is not ideal and may well need to see another person.

You and your H may also now want to talk to a counsellor; BACP have a list of counsellors and do not charge the earth.

Thing is you are never going to know or get a balanced account of what went on between the two of them.
Actually the "being apart" will probably have a positive effect on their relationship and give them both a bit of breathing space.
Counselling is a very good idea , I think that you can only "suggest" that she keeps the lines of communication open with her Mum, at her age she is not emotionally mature enough to make any lasting decisions about her relationship with her Mum.
Just be there for her.

God no don't force her. She needs you to be her advocates, not to go against her wishes as her mother has done, and to put her needs and feelings first.

Oh and get her to change her phone number.

I will get the book thanks.

Our understanding re residency is that she is almost 15 and can make up her own mind where she wants to live. We have been advised to apply for the child benefit as apparently this is an indicator of residency.

We have spoken to a solicitor informally who doesnt think her mum would have any joy through the courts. We are just going to leave it and if her mum takes it down the legal path we will have to respond. We cant however afford big legal bills and nor can she.

The GP did tell her she was old enough to decide the way forward for her life.

If we keep her mother out of the loop then hell breaks loose. My DH also has a DS who is 12 and is his mums favourite. As far as we can tell the relationship he has with his mum is very different from my SD, however we are keeping a very close eye on him.

Atilla,

great idea about us seeing a cousellor, that never even ocurred to me.

I wouldn't force her and tbh I'm not how you could make her have contact with her mother if she doesn't want it. You can't make someone talk to someone if they don't want to....you can drop her at the meeting but it doesn't mean she has to interact with her mother though...she could even just walk out when you leave her and go off somewhere else.

At the moment it is so important that your DSD feels she has someone who will believe her experiences and protect her form further abuse....continuously putting pressure on her to contact her mother will give her impression that what her mother did wasn't that bad....this leaves the door wide open later for your DSD to become embroiled in further abusive relationships as an adult.

At the moment she is running on instinctive actions...mother is nasty therefore my best bet is to get away - this is good. By 'forcing' contact you would be in effect telling her to ignore her instincts - not good.

I'd wait until your DSD is ready to have contact with her mother and not push the contact issue at all.

She is old enough for her wishes to be taken into account legally ie a court would npenalise you for not forcing her to have contact with her mother. Right now, tell the mother to fuck off and leave her poor DD alone. Tell the girl that until she feels ready to see or speak to her mother, she doesn't have to.

court would not penalise you

Mizzy, thats what we are doing at the moment, I just wasnt sure if we were "right" her grandparents came to see her last night (mums parents) and they said to her that they know how bad it was but she should talk to her mum.

This led to tears and SD going up to her room and not coming out. My DH asked them why, if they knew what had been going on they didnt say anything, they just ignored him and left, leaving us to mop up her tears.

I now know that SD's mum left home at 16 because she didnt get on with her mum.....

My SD said she doesnt want to be like her mum or grandma.

Just wanted to say how well you have handled things so far, and how difficult and upsetting it must have been to find out how awful things had been for your SD for so long. Thank goodness she had you both to turn to.

As far as contact with the mother goes, I echo what others have said - don't force her and certainly no pressure until after she has seen a counsellor of some sort. If she was younger I would be more reluctant to let her make that choice, but at 15 I think it is appropriate for her to be listened to - she's not deciding to never see her mum again and sounds quite balanced, even suggesting a way forward. In your shoes, I would write a letter to the mother explaining that in the short term, SD does not feel she wishes to communicate directly with her mother and that you are respecting her wishes. Tell her that you will encourage SD to stay in contact but at her own pace, and that SD has talked about meeting up at some point but that you feel pressure would be detrimental to her. Offer to give mother regular updates (say weekly?) on SD's health, school progress, activities.

Your DH may also wish to consider the example he is showing to SD with regard to the abuse he is getting from her mother. This is not a criticism, at all, and I can imagine the kind of abuse he has had to put up with over the years, but now SD is there, taking in his reaction. I don't think he should just take it - he should model the behaviour that will help SD deal with her mother's actions - eg staying very calm, showing respect for himself, making it clear to his ex when the behaviour is unacceptable, refusing to engage or take part in rows/heated discussions, 'broken record' techniques etc.

If only we could tell her to fuck off, the pleasure would be immense but we are also really worried about isolating my SS and making him take sides because I know that she is telling SS that it is his Dads fault that SD wont talk to her.

Don't doubt yourself pinkbraces....other people/family usually have their own agenda when it comes to maintaining family relationships....time for you to go by instincts too.

Just remember that no-one ever wants to be part of a dysfunctional family and denial is a very powerful emotion...hence the GP's reaction.

Oh and don't worry too much about the family 'grapevine' these Chinese whispers have a way of revealing the truth eventually.

Thanks all, you have made me feel that we are doing the right things, sometimes you just need someone elses input.

If you get no joy re counseling soon there is an organization called Open Door that provides counseling for young people. They were a great help when my DD had problems.

I can't relate to your DSD's situation at all but just wanted to say that at that age I had counselling as well, there was a free service for teens in my area and they helped immensely. Definately check to see if your local council have a similar service for teens! :) Even places like Connexions would be able to advise your family on where to turn for this kind of service.

She sounds very lucky to have you and your DH on board :)

I think you've had some great advice so far, and agree that you should not force dsd into having contact with her mother until she's ready.

Does dsd keep in touch with her brother?? If not, then it might be worth trying to initiate this so that at least she's getting her side across at some point.

thanks everyone for your advice, its been really helpful :)