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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else got no-one to lean on?

25 replies

bibbitybobbityhat · 02/06/2011 22:28

it's awful, isn't it? Sad.

OP posts:
totallylost · 02/06/2011 22:30

want to talk?

piratecat · 02/06/2011 22:30

hi, i have friends, but not a partner. It can be lonely, esp when you need a hug. sometimes i really ache for a proper loving hug.

are you ok? x

Original poster
bibbitybobbityhat · 02/06/2011 22:33

I have a partner, but he is no good at certain stuff.

He looks on me as the strong one in the relationship iykwim.

As does the rest of my large family.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 02/06/2011 22:35

Bibbsy bibbsy, come here

What ails thee?

piratecat · 02/06/2011 22:36

i see, yes it's horrible to be one that's always the relied upon one. You wouldn't change who you are but sometimes you think 'what about me, piss off everyone'

Original poster
bibbitybobbityhat · 02/06/2011 22:36

Oh its fucking shit Hully.

Am ready to feck off and leave.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 02/06/2011 22:37

What is darling?

You know you posted about dd t'other day and then vanished. Don't do that again.

Come on, what is it?

totallylost · 02/06/2011 22:37

oh me too, but its ok to not be the strong one. For a long time I had no one to lean on because I felt I had to be strong. Now I realise that it takes just as much strength to ask for help and I have found many people are more than willing to be there for me.

I also felt that it should be my partner being there for me to lean on, but its just not something he can do. Sometimes its easier to lean on the people who aren't so emotionally involved with you.

totallylost · 02/06/2011 22:37

so lets talk

Hullygully · 02/06/2011 22:49

Gotta go, Bibs. But post/pm and geddit all out. xx

Original poster
bibbitybobbityhat · 02/06/2011 22:50

Ddad just died 4 weeks ago from lung cancer, had been ill for 7 months and v v v ill for 3 months.

Dmum - divorced from ddad in 1974 - suffering one of her spells of severe anxiety and agoraphobia, so that I have to do online shopping for her - is 80 today.

Dbrother - has arranged family lunch out for her on Saturday, at posh pub v near where she lives, and will drive her there.

I have spoken to dmum twice today, both times she has phoned me before I had chance to call her, and talked about her anxiety at her friend's house this afternoon where she was for two hours having tea and cake, literally 3 minutes walk away from her own house.

I said to dh tonight, I wonder if we should postpone Mum's birthday meal, I might speak to dbrother about it. Dh's first response was "how annoying, I've turned down a job worth £300 on Saturday afternoon".

I call dbrother to discuss it. His solution is for ME to call HER tomorrow morning and try and guage whether it needs to be cancelled, because I have more time than him, and he wants to see dstepmum (ddad's widow) tomorrow to talk about some issue with probate.

Meanwhile, I have my very depressed dstepbrother here at my house decorating ds's bedroom. But yesteray he put a nail through a water pipe and cost us £120 in emergency plumbing, and he is MORTIFIED, and because he is 20 years younger than me and was my ddad's favourite child and v close to him, I have to prop him up and support him and tell him ddad would still have been proud

also, dd, being a bit excluded by friends at school

ds got chronic nits

am looking after neighbour's tortoise

etc

etc

Am quite ready to leave them all to it and go and join a squat somewhere.

Anyone know any nice squats?

OP posts:
quiddity · 02/06/2011 22:52

Yes, it is awful. I don't have a DP/DH, find it hard to admit any weaknesses and although my friends (both of them) are happy to tell me their problems it doesn't seem to occur to them that I might have any.
But you can lean on MN, there are so many strong, supportive, wise people here.

totallylost · 02/06/2011 22:54

ok so you have a lot on your plate, and is there time for you to deal with your grief?

Wine?

Hullygully · 02/06/2011 22:58

Pore ol you. You can lean on us.

Sometimes, my lovely, it is indeed all far far too much and one wants to run screaming. I suggest that you show this to dp and also that you get some grief counselling (in which you can talk about the other stuff too). I have two v good friends who got grief counselling when their fathers died, and both found it surprisingly and immensely helpful. Really.

You are finding everything too much because you are in a place of deep suffering and don't have the psychic reserves to deal with it all, you need your own outlet.

Get dp to deal with the tortoise and the nits, that's two less things.

Put on really loud music and dance. And feel the love we send you.

Original poster
bibbitybobbityhat · 02/06/2011 22:59

Have had wine Blush.

Its my point, really, about the grief. The day my father died, I phoned my mum to let her know and all we talked about was the sudden onset of yet another round of her "nerves". It all has to be about her!

Dh is an unsympathetic character. He doesn't have a sympathetic bone in his body. He has a huge ego.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 02/06/2011 23:03

Grief counselling. Grief counselling. Grief counselling.

Another thing that happens when a parent dies is that we start to reassess our own lives, and sometimes we see people differently, and not always fairly. You need independednt and dispassionate input to help disentangle all the different feelings and people in your life.

Hullygully · 02/06/2011 23:07

Bibs, I have to go, but hold fast my dear. All will be well and all manner of things will be well.

totallylost · 02/06/2011 23:08

The day my best friend died my now EXH stood over me shouting "What the f"ck have you got to cry about". They sometimes just don't get it. He told me many months later that he just felt so useless, that there was nothing he could do to stop my pain.

Original poster
bibbitybobbityhat · 02/06/2011 23:09

Thank you hully, you are the most lovely girl.

But this is not all about ME!

I have an ear open for others who are alone and not leaning ...

OP posts:
Original poster
bibbitybobbityhat · 02/06/2011 23:09

Sorry, totallylost, cross-posted there.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 03/06/2011 08:21

Sorry Bibs - full of wine and sympathy

davidsotherhalf · 03/06/2011 09:14

can sort nit problem in no time at all......boots sell a special nit comb sorry can't remember the make but the teeth are twice as long as normal nit combs it's metal it costs about £10 but well worth it use it with conditioner. it gets all the eggs out (only comb i found that does this) dd had them a while ago, it took me a while as her hairs down her back but it worked first time.

WriterofDreams · 03/06/2011 09:40

Bibbity, what do you mean when you say your DH has a "massive ego"?

sugarjunkie · 03/06/2011 11:21

Need a hug?

Awwwwwwwwwwww(alert)

porttree · 03/06/2011 12:43

Hi - wanted to say that I feel the same, with nobody to talk to, and a lot I'd like to talk about.

I'm a single mum. My h walked out 4 years ago for another woman. 2 days ago they had a child together.

My dad died - also of lung cancer - coming up to 2 years ago. We were extremely close and I miss him enormously. He was diagnosed 6 years before that, and in that time, my mum has pretty much become an alcoholic. I feel like I've also lost my mum to be honest.

My sister is brilliant but has devoted herself to being a full time mum, and is very passionate about things like crochet and knitting, which I have absolutely no interest in. She's been living in our childhood home, and is about to move out, and further away from me (not far, but makes a difference).

I have fallen totally in love with a friend who is unavailable.

My best friend works abroad 9 months of the year and is only contactable from time to time.

My other best friend has a totally manic life, and despite being enormously caring, doesn't listen at all.

A big hug, and someone to cuddle up to would just be so nice, I totally hear you!

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