Affairs: to tell or not to tell...?

[ML]

Background: I have just come out of a longish affair (18 months) - would have left my partner of 12 years for the "other man" - but "other man" decided after a lot of agonising to stay with his partner and adopt a child. So that's that.

My partner MUST know there is/had been something wrong - I'm distant, irritable, not at all interested in sex with him. Over past year when I was trying to decide whether to leave or not, on several occasions I tried to talk to him about what was wrong in our relationship (for several years - well before my affair). I never found he would discuss it properly - either told me I was wrong; or else he got wildly angry and I had to withdraw; or else after one decent conversation he'd think I had everything out of my system and we could go back as we were. (Oh, we have one child, nearly 3).

I'm seriously thinking about telling him about the affair (not in all detail, but enough for him to know our relationship was seriously threatened) on the basis that it'll either break up our relationship or remake it and either would be better than the sickening limbo I'm in now. But I keep bottling it - oh, not this weekend, my parents are coming, not next weekend, we're going to a wedding, etc. Really it amounts to being scared of the consequences and never feeling strong enough on one particular day to face his anger (should say he would never physically hurt me but I have a big horror of being shouted at).

Am I crazy to think of telling him? Could it make things better?

ML If I was in your position I would tell him nothing of the affair.What purpose would it serve?

There are other ways of telling him that your relationship is/was in jeopardy.

Thank you for responses - sobernow, I think you're right about needing to be kind to myself because your post sounded so kind that it's made me cry!

I don't think telling is about getting rid of guilt. But upu're making me think, what is it then? Partly a desire to hurt, so I should be very wary of that. Partly to take away any fear of someone else telling (don't think anyone knows except him and his partner but I'd rather tell than be found out). Partly because I can't work out another way of finding out if I want to stay or not. Partly looking for some kind of clean start.

The relationship definitely went wrong before the affair started. In some ways the affair took away my will to sort things but it also made me face up to what was wrong - finding someone i trusted, who didn't think he was cleverer than me, who i wasn't afraid of.

Only it's so much easier to think of leaving for someone wonderful than to think of disrupting everything/everyone for no "reason".

Oh and I've just worked out another thing I'm worried about. If I try to tell him how bad I feel things have got, he's bound to ask "is there someone else?" I don't know if I have the ability to lie convincingly; or even, if he has picked up enough indirectly for all the pieces to fall into place whether I lie or not.

You're probably right to do nothing quickly as I am very miserable at present and probably not the best judge.

I've changed my name for this - bit of a wimp, sorry.

I ummed and arred for ages about whether to tell dp about my affair. In the end I was so messed up in myself, that I knew I would not be able to continue a functional relationship in the state I was in. The affair had finished, but I still had very fond memories of it - and him - and I felt very very guilty and really angry with myself.

So I knew that I was telling dp for selfish reasons - not for his sake. But I figured I was in a lose lose situation - either I didn't tell him and would be impossible to live with, or I did tell him and we would split up. To me, it was the latter that gave the only chink of hope - I suppose knowing mine & dps characters.

I was incredibly lucky. Dp instantly realised that I was the one with problems. He asked who it was (and did that testosteroney thing of checking whether he felt superior to him in the pecking order, and he did), and whether it was definitely over. I answered very honestly, which he accepted.

In fact, he accepted it so much, that I felt I didn't get as much punishment I deserved, and so at dps suggestion ended up going to counselling, which helped me to sort out the problems that were at the root of it all.

Sorry this is such a long post, but it is still important to me to be able to think through it (it all happened in 2000). I hope you are able to get through it too - and that your instincts about which is the best course of action are as accurate as mine were.

Cheat, what a very nice man you must have, mine would just kick me out...did it cause any long term problems in your post-affair life?

Well, the lead up to the counselling took several months with lots of tears and anguish. After the counselling a lot of things that had been bugging me were sorted out, and a lot of the strength in our relationship comes from that. But there would have been more sensible ways about seeking out the help I needed. The affair is not mentioned, simply because it isn't an issue. I have very little contact with the other man, but then I have lost touch from everyone from that period of my life for various reasons. I saw him once or twice since, and dp always knew. If his name ever comes up in conversation it isn't awkward. And if I ever try to moralise, it generally turns into a joke (in much the same way as if I commented that someone had a large backside).

One thing that has changed is that I now know how stupid it is. I was miserable a lot of the time even during it, and certainly afterwards. I know I would never do it again. I suppose dp can see how terrible it was (like ml's partner, he could see something was up) too and so believes me that I'm not going there again.

But you're right, dp is an amazing man, and I fully expected to get kicked out.

No no no!!! Don't tell!!!!!

As you'll have gathered, I did. It was the worst thing I have ever done. I could have coped with the anger, but not the hurt it caused. Mine was a flirtation at work that built up over 8 months to effectively a one-night stand. No actual sex, but kissing.

Told DH after it was over, because I was hurting (having been dumped). He was unbearably unbelievably hurt, & very good about the whole thing. He decided it was all his fault & we made the effort to do more together, so some good came out of it. BUT there is still a sore spot. I can't mention his name & if we ever talk about that time there is an atmosphere. (He met him at a works do not long after it all came out, which didn't help). The trust went as well. Not good.

Please think very very carefully before you tell. It really isn't worth it.

cheat, I think I'm where you were - lose, lose - don't know how to go on if I don't tell him, might split up if I do. Difference is I can't imagine my dp reacting half as well as yours. Which is maybe why I don't care if we split up or not...just now.

I'm not going to rush it tho'.

Only I can't go on much longer thinking of excuses not to go to bed with him - fortunately we have all had bad colds for the past fortnight so maybe I'll just have to be ill all winter!

ML, I can't give you any advice on whether or not to tell, but it seems to me that you might not be asking the right question. Do you want to stay with him or not? I am usually a big fan of 'honesty is the best policy', but in your particular circumstances, I would definitely think hard before saying/doing anything. It seems that maybe you are not happy with your DP?

On another note entirely, how does one have a 3 year old (or a toddler of any age) and conduct an 18 month affair? I couldn't do manage the logistics, even if I tried! Just wondering. . .

ML - You're clearly not happy in your present relationship and are you prepared to stay like that? I'm a firm believer that if you're not happy then you should try and do something about it rather than look around for something better whilst still in the relationship. I appreciate that you have tried to talk to him and he's not necessarily realising the true extent of the problems you feel are present, instead of telling him about the affair which may well blow any chances of ever working things out, perhaps suggest a trial separation to make him realise how bad things are and give him a kick up the back side to try and get things back to how you both feel they should be. If you still love him then its worth a go.

Oh dear. I am feeling all a bit awkward about this. I find myself agreeing with what Teletubby and Tinyfeet and Tallulah are saying. And I feel bad that I may be giving you some kind of false hope.

I think my main point was to follow your gut instinct and to look after yourself first and foremost. Yes, actually I can remember thinking to myself over and over "the only person that I HAVE to spend the rest of my life with is me" and using that to make my decision. But I probably was (deep down) confident of the way dp would respond.

I ought to just mention too that to me it made no difference that there was not any actual sex in the affair, because as far as I was concerned just having the thought was bad enough. But maybe it did make a difference to dp.

I do feel bad, ML, I hope I haven't got your hopes up or am leading you to the wrong decision. I'm just describing what worked for us.

tinyfeet, Teletubby
you're spot on of course - DO i still love dp? Well, not really. Don't hate him, just don't love him. We've moved in different directions, we want different things, especially after dd. Didn't mean to have an affair but when it started it was always (for both of us) about having found someone different you wanted to live with ie it was never just a bit of fun. In fact "other man" is only other person I've ever slept with and if he'd decided he could leave I'm abut 99% sure I would have too - we had even rented a flat together.

So maybe telling him about affair is a kind of test to see how much HE love ME. But if I stay it's for dd not for me and I'm not sure I can make things better enough. They're not awful, he doesn't beat me or drink or anything terrible, I just don't want to be with him any more.

Don't feel bad cheat - your post just made me realise I don't know if I want to stay.

ML, it doesn't sound like you're happy with him. I don't think I'd stay with my DH if I didn't want to sleep with him or wasn't attracted to him at all any more. I don't think it's wise to stay together just for the sake of the children. You should try to work things out or as suggested below, try a trial separation. Sorry, this isn't good happy advice, but it seems to me that you are not trying to do what is best for you otherwise.
Cheat, I think you're lucky and your man sounds lovely.

You're right of course tinyfeet. But thinking it and doing something about it...quite different.

On a lighter(?) note you were curious about how you have a toddler and an affair! It does change what's possible certainly and couldn't have happened if I didn't work part time near him. In the whole time we probably only had half a dozen evenings and three days (working hours only) together but...coffee before work, lunch in the park, amazing what you can get by on...mobile phone texts...and letters, I have a box with over 100 letters from him and he has the same from me.

If I was only as motivated with dp..but then I wouldn't have had the affair in the first place.

ML, I don't know, a half a dozen evenings and 3 days, just doesn't seem worth it to me. The letters, well, that's like having an email relationship, which I would bet that a lot of folks have and don't really call "affairs". Anyway, I hope the best for you, in any case.

Hi ML

It could be devastating to your partner to tell him about the affair....

Can you really not insist that you have a long and detailed talk about the state of your relationship ? If he refuses to engage in this discussion, you could show that you mean business by going and staying with a friend for a couple of nights (to shock your partner into facing up to that fact that the relationship is failing)...

I know its extremely complicated with a child involved, but if you really would have left your partner for this other man then I suspect your current relationship may not be worth salvaging....Do you still love your partner? If yes, its worth the effort, if not you're better off bailing out now rather than prolonging the misery for both you and him.

Been there, I told.... didn't help. I'm not going into detail here. It just created a lot friction and resentment. He realised that the relationship was in trouble, but he couldn't actually bring himself to forgive me and to try harder.

IME don't tell, it won't help. It may make you feel relief that you half offloaded this secret, but it certainly won't force him into making an extra effort.

HTH

tinyfeet...it felt SO-o-o-o-o-o worth it at the time - the letters weren't like an email relationship (I think - no experience tho!) because we did meet, a couple of times of week - the letters just sort of extended it into other times. Plus were a good way of building up trust/openness - I'd say we know EVERYTHING about each other. Sadly means I also know exactly why he decided couldn't leave.

Lilysmum I think you are right my present relationship may not be worth salvaging. Which was why I'm thinking of telling - as the only possible way of shaking things up enough or else as a way of leaving. But maybe better just to leave, without adding to the bitterness.

Truth is I'm just too scared to take that step - being alone with a child and no expectation of anyone else coming along. Certainly not in time to have another child, which is what I expected from "other man".

ML - Do you not want to give your relationship with your DP a try. Is there a reason why you don't want to try for another child with your DP?

Yes - he won't! A lot of our tensions anyway are about being parents together (they were there before but they didn't matter so much...). What I want more than anything is someone who is a partner in bringing up child. If I really, really insisted dp might agree to me having another child but I know that then if there were any difficulties or I wanted time off or whatever it would be "well you wanted another baby". (Same as when I was breastfeeding, if I ever complained he would go, "well you wanted to, just stop if it's that bad".

So I'd like another baby, just not with him. But at 37, chances of meeting someone else and building up enough of a relationship that I could trust them both with existing child and any future one, and all before I'm too old to get pregnant - ain't going to happen now, realistically.

I'm still at a real low right now, though, so not best placed to judge if there is any hope with existing relationship. Going to my mum's for a few days so we'll see if that helps...

PS oops, don't know where that smiley came from - didn't mean it to be there!

At 37, I would have said my chances of finding a partner, etc. while I was still young enough to have a baby were small. My baby is due 6 days after my 39th birthday...

I still think it was sensible of me not to have assumed I'd have a baby, but it's a good thing I hadn't got my heart set on going without. It's been an object lesson in not making assumptions. There are more opportunities in this world than most people believe.

Wow - congratulations and thanks for the encouraging message, californiagirl!

Have you go any further re thinking about what to do? Hope you're not feeling too bad. Lots of luck.