Sorry, this is a very long post from a relative newbie about something ultimately quite trivial.
When you've been really hurt in the past, several times, how do you learn to trust again?
A little bit of background, I got pregnant when I was 16 to a man 10 years older than me who later turned out to be extremely abusive. It was a hugely traumatic time and luckily I escaped after 2 years and have had no contact since. It's safe to say though that I went from bad relationship to bad relationship after that. Some were maybe a bit sinister (controlling / cheating etc) and some were just ill judged (finding men my age who have the same level of responsibility is difficult) However, I am now with someone who is absolutely amazing. He adores me and I feel truly loved for the first time in years, if not ever. And I feel the same towards him. We've only been together 6 months but I've never had a relationship as balanced and relaxed and great as this one (even at only 6 months in - that's how bad they have been!) I feel happy. Just. Happy.
However, I have found that my levels of trust are pretty much diminished. I find myself starting to question him and almost look for reasons that he is cheating on me / deceiving me with absolutely no basis whatsoever.
The only near-argument we've had is after he went away to a music festival and some photos surfaced on facebook, seemingly of him pushing a camera away as he leant over a girl who was in a vest and knickers. When I saw these my heart lept into my throat and I text him at work saying I had seen the photos and I wasn't very happy and could he explain what was going on. The fact of the matter is he was very drunk and was jumping on the sofabed that his female friend of 15+ years had been sleeping on and just generally being a bit of a drunken fool. It took so much for me to put the pieces together but then I realised I had totally misjudged it and whilst it would look suspect to most outsiders, it really was just him mucking about. I know the woman in question and I know how much they muck about when they are together, which, when I am there, I don't even bat an eyelid at.
The thing that has made me question whether I am about to ruin things is something so monumentally stupid I don't even want to write about it. Last weekend he spent the whole of the bank holiday weekend with me and my DS, except for one afternoon where DS was going to a party so he said he was going to take the time to pop home and take some stuff from his back garden to the tip and visit his mum (who is in a home with advanced MS)- which was fine. Tonight he text me a picture of the cat who keeps visiting his garden to cheer me up (long story, "I love cats" being the summary) I noticed that the rubbish was still there so I immediately think ' what was he doing that afternoon then? Was he seeing someone else?'
The sensible part of my head is saying, don't be such an idiot, of course he wasn't - but the self defence mechanism kicks in and my brain goes into overdrive thinking of who / what he could be doing. It doesn't take long to realise this is an old photo and then luckily, without prompt, he sent me one tonight of how the garden looks ( we had spent a weekend together doing loads of gardening so he was giving me an update on how nice it was looking - we're not just weird people!) and I realise how monumentally stupid I have been.
However, this doubt and mistrust over such STUPID and inane things seems to be built in and I can't seem to shake it. I am worried I am going to ruin something really positive for myself AND DS (he is brilliant with him) How do you learn to stop thinking like this?
FWIW, I went through 3 years of counselling before I met DP and certainly put to rest many issues that remained from the abusive relationship.