Can somebody be in love with two people at the same time?

[BelieveInPink]

Is it possible for a man/woman to claim that he/she is both very happily married, and in love with someone else at the same time?

Or are they lying and their marriage must be in trouble for them to stray in the first place?

Or are they lying to the OW/OM and not really in love with them at all?

We all know that men and women have affairs. But there is usually a reason or failing in the marriage somewhere. I'm wondering if it's possible to be perfectly happy, in love and attracted to your other half, and still fall in love with someone else.

That ^ is all a bit unclear I think, but there is a reason I am asking. Very close family member who I am struggling to understand.

This recent thread covered a lot of ground.

Yes. Perfectly possible. Socially unacceptable because it gives mundanes spasms, but it can be sorted out in a way that suits all concerned if you are brave and intelligent and honest.

tribpot Yes, I read that thread, and was appalled really. But in her case she wasn't happily married when she started the affair. There were problems. I'm talking about a happy, loving, perfect-from-the-outside and seemingly from-the-inside too type marriage.

Thanks Spring. Mundanes spasms?

I've had this said to me once...when I found out my DP at the time was playing away....he said he "wanted us both as he loved us both".

I left that night.

The definition of love is doing all you can for someone else. Putting their interests before yours. Therefore by definition no you cannot be. Think love is an overused word when lust is meant...

Yes it is - I'm fine with it as is my husband - ridiculously naive and hugely limiting to imagine that it isn't possible.

MizzyFizzy Feel free to tell me to eff off for being nosey, but was your relationship a happy one before you found out about the affair? Was he attentive, clearly in love with you, did you have an inkling anything was going on?

The situation I'm talking about is a 3 year affair, by the way. Not just a flash in the pan.

I do think it is possible too, or maybe I'm just naive. Surely it takes an incredible actor to be happy and attentive at home, whilst thinking about someone else. (assuming this is a secret affair and not something agreed within a marriage, as with msbanbury)

I thought we were happy, there really was no inkling of a problem.

I felt loved, valued, appreciated, secure in both myself and my relationship...even when he was playing away I had no idea from him that there was anything wrong...I would still have been with him today perhaps if someone hadn't told me what was going on.

I was not turning a 'blind eye' to it all either...I really did have no idea.

I actually think he did love us both, he went on to marry OW and as far as I know he is still with her 20 years on.

The affair had been going on for about 12/18 months I think...sharing doesn't suit me and as there was no marriage certificate or kids involved I never asked questions...I just walked away.

Thank you for that, Mizzy

Just goes to show it can happen, I just can't get my head around it. How can you be in love with someone else and it NOT affect your home life...but clearly it can work that way. I find it fascinating in a way. Suppose they must just be good at detaching from home life and their "other" life.

Hi BelieveInPink

I'll try and explain why I had no idea...

He was self employed..so his daytime was his own...he went to work...and came home at tea time as usual...during the day he saw OW. He'd immediately come in and hug and snuggle me as if he'd missed me...no reason for me to question where he was or what he'd been doing that day.

2/3 times a week he went out with his mates.....he saw her.

Now due to us not being married, we had separate financial arrangements...so what he spent and how he spent his money was his business...so no paper trail to find and I never felt he was being mean with money if anything he was very, very generous...so again no reason to question anything.

If he wanted to stay with her all night he would tell me he was out with his mates and then off to the casino so wouldn't be home until dawn....he always,always came home on time and told me of any losses or gains, so I had no reason to question where he was.

On a personal note...the sex was very good and frequent all during the affair...so again no reason to question anything.

What makes me think he really did love us both is that OW was so very different from me...I was slim, brunette and very independent....she was shorter than me, very curvy and what I would call a dependant woman...she needed a man about. I think each of us in our own way filled a separate and different need of ex DP's.

Ex DP was living a true Walter Mitty life....to him each of us was a important to him as the other (I think).

He did chase me after I left....but still insisted on wanting and loving us both....the loving us both aspect never changed.

I don't know if this helps, but looking back now I truly do think he loved us both and as you can tell from my posts...he still has a special place in my heart, I really believe he meant no harm....it's just that for him one woman wasn't enough.

Oh...she was also a blonde lady...so to look at we were complete opposites.