do i need counseling??? i'm terrified of it.

[adusedasachild]

i was sexually abused by stepdad as a child (quite severly) i'm now 25yo

i have always maintained that it didn't affect me and totally over it, however since having DC my sex drive has plummetted and feel under pressure to have sex or sex acts with DH, when he tries to kiss/cuddle me or initiate anything i freak out that he's in my space or that he expects me to put out and have accused him on several occasions of treating me like a hooker/bit of meat only there for his sexual satisfaction.

on occasional "rational" moments i know he's not like that wouldn't hurt me etc and i now think i'm overly protective of my body because of upbringing/past experience. DH wants me to see a counselor for help with this and to explore it further but i'm terrified although not sure what of exactly.

i'm also very protective of DC even with DH when he kisses & cuddles DC etc i end up telling him to to leave DC alone.

so my question is do i need counselling?
how will it help?
& will it be as terrifying as i imagine?

DHs main issue seems to be my lack of desire more so than anything else, i try to bite my tongue when he's with DC and only tell him off when i can see DC getting annoyed with attention.

so i am aware of his relationship with kids (but inside it does make me anxious)

If you can't separate what was done to you as a child with what a kind, decent husband and father does with you and your/his children, then yes, I believe you do need help to sort this out. Most people do, you know. It's a pretty fundamental betrayal of trust at a formative age and even the strongest, wisest person wouldn't be able to "just get over it" on their own. Maybe you expect too much of yourself.

I'm not surprised you're afraid of taking out all the things you've tried to squash into the back of your mind for years. The counsellor themselves would not give you anything to be afraid of, but just talking about those things out loud is bound to be incredibly painful. It's like taking a festering sore to the doctor's; he is probably going to stab it with something sharp and it's going to be all ouch and yucky, but unless he does the poison will stay inside you and the sore will never heal.

Hmm, slight alarm bells with your second post. It isn't a counsellor's job to start making you want more sex! Maybe your DH really is too pushy/grabby, and if he annoys the children too perhaps you are right to suggest he steps back a bit. Some people just do like more physical contact than others, which is not necessarily in any way sinister but they do need to be sensitive to others' feelings and come to some compromise. Children (and wives!) are not teddy bears to be picked up and cuddled whenever their "owner" feels like it.

my experience of counselling is that as a client, you are the one in control of how far you go, how deep, what you discuss etc. the therapist is there to help guide you and perhaps encourage you to consider and acknowledge feelings such as fear, pain, etc that you may have had to repress in your childhood in order to remain safe and survive.

the most important thing is that you find a therapist who can support you emotionally and can build a trusting relationship with, so when you do begin to look at these feelings, you do not feel alone. trust your instincts over a therapist and take your time to establish a relationship with them.

it is scary going for therapy and there is no getting away from the fact it can be painful. however ultimately it can be very rewarding too and extremely empowering.

good luck xxxxxxx

i can talk about it very matter of factly and have done in the past (i did take him to court and he was put in prison)

but i've never explored how it makes me feel and affects day to day life think thats what i'm afraid of.

even while it was happening (went on for 6years) i seemed to forget about it during the day (away from home) just like a bad dream and think i've spent so long blocking it out now that i can't remember which parts now were actually real or if i dreamed/imagined them i doubt myself all the time.

when it all came to light at the time, my gran said i musn't tell anyone at all except the police and not talk about it, she vetted the clothes i wore to court to make sure they were not revealing in anyway lest the jury think i "was asking for it" (i basically went dressed in boys clothes.)

so i think its partly because i'm doubting what really happened and its been drilled into me from 13yo not to talk about it that im so terrified. i have a number for a counsillor but everytime i pick up the phone i get shaky and butterflies and just hang up again.

but i'm now afraid it'll be the end of my marriage (sorry my spelling's crap today)

I would definitely recommend counselling to help you sort out for yourself what is and is not appropriate behaviour. So if your H is actually overly physical and not capable of understanding that people have every right to refuse physical contact they don't want, a good counsellor will help you see where the boundaries are and give you ways of dealing with people who cross them. Unfortunately, sometimes people who have been abused in the past end up in subsequent abusive relationships.
However, it's just as likely, if not more so, that your H is a decent man because he is encouraging you to seek help.

Your gran was right that until it came to court it was best not to say anything (though by the sound of it she went a bit over the top). Now, though, long after the event, there can be no harm in you discussing what happened. After all, it happened to you, so who else in the world has more right to talk about it?

Excellent advice from Kallima. If you don't like the first counsellor you talk to, don't see that one.

Basically you should be looking for counselling because you want to feel better, not because someone else is demanding that you get "fixed".

i was also thinking that the sex drive thing might be just tiredness i have 1 DC aged 2yo and 5mths pg with 2nd.

we have sex maybe once a month possibly less and even then it seems forced (as in i'm just doing it to keep the peace and shut DH up for a while) i genuinely think i could live happily without sex completely

the next issue is that i can't really afford a counsellor/therapist, my work offer an employee assistance programme where they will put me in touch with a therapist confidentially, and pay for 5 sessions after that i would probably need to go through GP and see if i can get help on NHS either way i don't think i'd be able to choose the therapist?!

I think EAR are quite a large organisation and should, with any luck, be able to swap counsellors if you don't get on with one. Agree you're more likely to be constrained through the NHS. My GP only had access to one for the whole area (fortunately she was ever so nice, but not available nearly often enough).

Sex drive does tend to plunge with a young family, it's a well-known fact.