Hi all, I use to post a lot a few years ago, particularly with issues with my ex. A bit of background is my DD is 8 years old, I split up with her father when she was 8 months old. He lives 3 hours drive away, doesn't drive, doesn't work, lives with parents, and doesn't call/email/visit DD. He only visits her when his parents drive him down, which is every 3/4 months, and I take her up there for one weekend a year.
DD has been finding her relationship with her father very difficult over the last few years. She's not happy with his lack of interest in her life and lack of contact. When she knows he is coming, she gets very nervous. She now says she doesn't want to see him unless his sister comes down as she gets on really well with her. His sister makes a great deal of effort with DD, and tbh if it wasn't for his sister, I wouldn't take DD up there for a weekend.
So this weekend, DD is going up there for the weekend. Usually she stays with ex and his parents, but this time she has said she wants to stay with her aunt. I completely understand why she feels this way, and his sister has agreed, and is thrilled by this and really looking forward to it and has plans of baking with her etc. DD is very excited. I know ex's parents are a bit upset by this, which I knew they would be, as they would have really loved DD staying with them. However, DD's not happy about it, so I have told her she can do whatever she wants to do that will make her happy. I've also have told her if she doesn't want to go, she doesn't have to. She has told me if his sister wasn't there, she wouldn't go at all.
But last night, DD wanted to talk to me about ex. She said she feels that she doesn't love him, and doesn't see him as her dad. She sees my DP as her dad, who I've been with 3.5 years, and they are extremely close, particularly since DD has noticed that ex doesn't make any effort with her, she has become very clingy and reliant on DP. DP loves DD as if she was his own, and I'm thankful that she has a strong male figure in her life.
DD was also saying she only wants to see her aunt on the Saturday and the rest of the family on Sunday. I'm sure she'll change her mind when the time comes, but I spoke to her aunt and told her about it so she knows and is aware of how DD is feeling. Luckily, she is very understanding and her main priority is to do whatever makes DD happy. Thank god I have someone I can rely on.
DD is also suppose to go on holiday with them for a week during the summer holidays. At the time of deciding this, DD was very much looking forward to it. However, just the same as when she goes to visit them, she always wants me and DP nearby in case she needs us. So we are staying about 20mins away from where they'll be staying during the holiday. I'm waiting til nearer the time to see how DD feels, but at the moment, I do think that DD will be staying with us, and then we'll meet up with them during the day. A week is a long time for her to be away from me, she very rarely is away from me so long, and so I think, with everything that she is feeling now as well, she wouldn't be overly comfortable with staying with them. Her aunt will be there as well, otherwise I wouldn't do it at all.
I just feel very helpless, I wish I could make things better for DD. I do feel one day she will just give up on him altogether and not want to see him anymore, as she had already threatened him with this when she was 6 to try and make him see her more, but obviously didn't work. And she was young, so I knew she wouldn't really want to not see him at the time, but as she gets older, I know that will probably change. She has always been a lot more mature than her age.
I wish I knew someone that was local to us that had a similar situation so DD could share this with someone around her age and not feel so alone. All her friends have their families still together, and her friends find it strange how she has ex and DP, and have said they don't think ex can be her a real father, because obviously their parents are all married and together still. She does have me though, my dad left when I was young and didn't bother with us either, so she knows I have been through the same thing and I think that comforts her in some ways. I just honestly don't know what to do anymore, other than be there for her and to listen to her worries and make sure I can do whatever I can to make her comfortable.